It was around 11:45pm on New Year’s Eve. I was at a house party with little to no relationship with the homeowners, but had been invited by a friend and, having been broken up with only 2 weeks prior, decided actually “going out” for NYE might be a good idea*. With my new short haircut that made me feel less feminine and much rounder, a body suit, and sparkly earrings, I put on a brave face as a freshly dumped woman and said “Yes” to spending NYE at a stranger’s house where the median age was 26.

There I sat, on this stranger’s couch, trying to let the trap music filling the house fill me as well, but it wouldn’t take (and it normally does). After (what I hope was) discreetly crying to my friend about my breakup and current mental state, I did what any normal person does fresh off a breakup on NYE—I texted him.

“Do you miss me at all? Or has this been easy for you?”

At 11:46pm, a guy I sort of thought was cute walked directly over to me, sat down next to me, and started chatting me up. As I sat there basking in what was sure to be a few moments of short-lived attention from this stranger, all I could think was “WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE COME OVER 1 MINUTE EARLIER AND SAVED ME FROM MYSELF, YOU TWAT?”

By 11:55pm, we were up on the roof with everyone else at the party, and at 12:00am on the first day of 2019, he kissed me.

I never heard back from my ex, but I did get a NYE kiss. This is how 2019 started.

*It’s never a good idea.

Each year when I sit down to write my Year In Review, I’m filled with this feeling of dread. That going back through the year is only going to cause me upset and painful flashbacks. I realized this year, however, it’s because I’m only thinking in terms of dating. Yes—if I weigh my year’s worth in only dates and dating and men, it could very easily be categorized as a “bad” year.

But if I put all that aside and focus solely on me, myself, my career, my accomplishments, and my moments with friends and family, 2019 was fucking incredible.

Of course, it’s sort of fun in a twisted way to reflect on the dates of the year, so let’s get that out of the way first in an efficient manner.

Jan-Feb: I was dealing with a breakup and it sucked. Not because I wanted to still be with him, but because a) it was another “failure” in my relationship book and I was back at square one, which always sucks and b) I knew with every fiber of my being that he was going to end up with the one “friend” in the group who was so painfully into him the entire time we were together and caused me intense strife and anxiety throughout our relationship. It was something my gut picked up on almost immediately, and something I brought up multiple times, always with him denying this girl was so obviously into him and claiming “Besides, I would never date her. I’ve gotten to know her and she’s not someone I would ever date.” But the day we broke up, I waited with baited breath for the day they got together. That day came in late April via social media. There they were, making their debut at a wedding I was supposed to go to with him, with an obnoxious caption along the lines of “Easter Sunday came early thanks to THIS ONE.” A part of me died inside. I knew it the entire time; if I’m being frank with myself, they honestly belonged/belong together. But it conjured up this feeling of humiliation and betrayal I wasn’t able to shake for months (and still deal with in my worst moments). Let me just say this: if a single, younger girl in a friend group who’s a known flirt becomes obsessed with you instantly, talks about you all the time, and becomes your biggest fan while also taking any chance she can get to talk 1:1 with your boyfriend in front of you and happens to always be next to him in every group picture, she’s got plans to steal your mans.

March-August: I dated a slew of gentlemen.

A health-obsessed redhead lovingly deemed “fruit plate” because he sent me a fruit plate at a bar instead of a drink to get my attention.
A really tall, really goofy stoner who was literally high 99% of the time and really good at oral but, not surprisingly, totally unmotivated and non-committal.
A pretty cute dude with a small front gap who I was excited about but after two dates, got weird and ghosted me, later explaining he’s not ready for a relationship and already saw it going that way. And then, a month after that, sent me a wordless text with a picture of his dog to which I never responded. He eventually responded to my non-response with “Really? No response?”
A guy who seemed really interesting until the night before our first date when I asked if he had a dog and he said no because he’s highly allergic to them and was so disappointed to learn I had one (it was my FIRST profile picture on Hinge at the time???) and said (I’m not exaggerating, guys) he typically tries to date girls with no dog or a really old dog who’s going to die soon or a dog they that don’t love THAT much and are willing to give away/to their parents.
A nice Jewish dude who catfished me with his pictures and made it awkward for everyone.
Another redhead who also catfished me. It was around this time I decided to take a short break.

Sept-Nov: On Friday the 13th of September, I met the dude who would become my boyfriend for the next two months and it was intense like at first sight—for real. We made out all over town and talked every day after that and eventually became “official.” I was so smitten with this guy. Maybe the most smitten I’ve ever been. I felt sure, I felt confident in it, I felt safe and so, so happy. Then, at around 2 months in, he did a 180º on me. I’m not gonna get into details at this juncture, but just know that the moment it happened, my jaw was on the floor and the phrase “UGHHH It’s always something. You want every conversation to be a confrontation” was said. #FUCKGASLIGHTERS. Also, fuck Scorpio men.

Present-day: Single and not looking to mingle at all unless it involves friends, family, or you guys. TYVM.

Now that we’ve covered the romantic bullshit, allow me to relish in my 2019 for a moment.

RE: Blogging/Career

Because of y’all and your interest and engagement with me, this was the best year I’ve ever had in terms of growth, sales, and visits to my page. We’re still not at 10K followers on Instagram (the number Instagram randomly decided makes you and your influence “legit” and allows you a swipe up), but that’s no mind to me—we’ll get there. Slowly but surely. I know so many don’t understand the social media phenomenon and the idea of having all these strange connections throughout apps and websites, but it truly brings me so much joy to connect with my audience however I can. Am I perfect at it? No. Do I respond to every single message I ever receive? No, because DMS OVERWHELM ME SO BAD AND ALSO I USUALLY READ THEM WHEN I’M NOT IN A PLACE TO RESPOND THOUGHTFULLY AND THEN FORGET ABOUT THEM. I’M SORRY. Am I doing the absolute most I can in terms of content? No, because I have a full-time job which takes up a lot of brain power and creative juice BUT my ultimate goal is to only be creating content for you guys (and maybe for others at a freelance level. So if you know anyone who needs my help…).

BUT, 2019 was still an amazing year for emmasthing. This year, I not only was asked to be on my first ever live podcast panel with the Bad on Paper Podcast, but was also hired as co-host for a travel series with OYO hotel which has been the most fulfilling, exciting project to be a part of (and further validated that I only want to host shows forever and always). Plus, I started partnerships with Blender Bombs and Papa John’s (LOL @ the contrast) that are both continuing into the new year. And, surprise surprise—y’all were there to witness and support it all.

March will mark 10 YEARS of emmasthing.com. 10 fucking years. And it’s my belief that a lot of people would’ve thrown in the towel YEARS ago on blogging if they hadn’t “made it” yet. Do I wish this could be full-time? OF COURSE. Have I suffered crushing frustration watching countless others with next-to-nothing to say grow rapidly while I walk uphill at about 1.5MPH? Yes. But it’s never stopped me because I have y’all. I’ve made so many connections and have had so many deep conversations with you guys over the years that, even if I can’t stay at home all day every day thinking of a stupid IG story to put up and get paid for, I know we have something here. And it’s real and it’s spectacular.

Building this little brand has been a joy for me, and I feel like it’s just getting going. And the fact that you guys enjoy it and respond to it is, well, everything. So thank you.

RE: PERSONAL LIFE

I wanted this year to be a year of trips and travel, and boy was it. I traveled the most this year that I ever have, including cities I had never been to. When I listed out everywhere I went in 2019, I was so happy with myself: Mexico, Marfa, Arizona, Vegas, Chicago (x3), Austin, San Diego, New York, Houston, Memphis, and Denver!

I took myself on my first ever solo trip, and it was incredible and transformative and makes me tear up just thinking about how special it was. This will be a yearly thing I do now, and maybe even AT Civana every time because it’s that wonderful.

I witnessed one of my best friends marry the love of her life in the most gorgeous and fun wedding I’ve ever been a part of, then turned right around and watched my sister do the same with her soulmate who is the best sister-in-law I could ever dream up. I attended the company I work for’s annual conference that I had only ever admired from afar via social media and couldn’t believe I got to be a part of it (and see my copy blown up on big walls!). I got super close with a few coworkers who I adore with every bone in my body. I watched my pseudo niece grow exponentially and SAY MY NAME OMG.

The big one, of course, is that after 10 years in the same neighborhood and 5 years in the same duplex, I moved 15 minutes down the road into a magical place that, with the help of my sister and mom, I’ve turned into my dream space over the last five months. Besides a freak situation with my ex’s 120 pound dog who diarrhea’d, vomited, and pissed all over my house the ONE time I watched him, resulting in all my new rugs being ruined and having to throw them out and start fresh, living here has been fantastic. Admittedly, I do miss my old neighborhood very much. I miss the energy of it and being able to walk to my favorite spots in 3 minutes. However, I would’ve never been able to find anything like my new space for the same price in my old ‘hood, and Mama was painfully ready for an upgrade. And she got it.

So, like I said—when you take men out of the equation, it was a fucking fantastic year. I don’t know what 2020 has in store, no one does. But I have high hopes for it, and I plan to attack it full-force. Last year gave me so much, and I want this year to give me even more. Let’s not call them resolutions, but more so things I’m actively striving for in 2020 are:

Even more content. Another partnership or two. Serious growth. Working hard toward working for myself.
Another solo trip, 100%.
Even MORE travel.
A new approach to love. Letting it come to me, for once. Truly not seeking it. Also, not sharing it. I love telling you guys almost everything, but if I’ve learned anything, it’s that dating is fucking bleak and you can’t trust it most of the time, so I have no interest in sharing my love life with you guys until I know it’s for real. Sure, if there are funny, outrageous, short-lived stories/dates in between, maybe I’ll share those. But as for the real thing, you won’t know a thing until I know all the things and then some.
An adventure. Literally, figuratively, whatever. I don’t know what it means when I say it, I just know I want it and I’m ready for it, however it chooses to manifest itself. LFG, 2020. I’m ready for you, bitch.

xox,