21 Things That Are The Worst
At least a handful of times a day, I hear myself exclaiming, "UGH! That's the WORST!" Correction: Sometimes I say it, other times I sing it to emulate Jean Ralphio: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTNfPdqxuC8
Daily annoyances throughout life are really the pits. I try to be a happy, positive person as often as reasonably possible, but that doesn't stop some things from being just the literal WORST. Therefore, here's a new list of things I consider to be opposite of the best:
When your favorite podcast doesn't have a new episode every single day. You check incessantly just in case, but are constantly let down. And speaking of checking things constantly...
When you keep opening your snack drawer at work expecting there to be something you missed but it's the same, boring shit that was just there 15 seconds ago. WORST.
Forgetting you stripped your bed to wash your sheets like a responsible, clean adult and getting home, so ready to get into bed until you're reminded that THERE ARE NO SHEETS ON YOUR BED AND YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT. UGHHHH. In these situations, I have oft opted to sleep shamelessly on my mattress pad.
Getting the ONE gas pump that doesn't hold its flow. Meaning, it doesn't click into place and stay there to vomit gas into your tank, but rather says "HA BITCH!" and makes you hold it for the duration it takes to fill up your car because it's a little bitch that refuses to work. Wowwwwww. Cool, nozzle! YOU HAVE ONE JOB.
Taking a pretty funny or cute snapchat and exiting out of the app before you post it because you're on autopilot and ruining your own social media life.
Getting no mail. No Amazon package, no other online shopping box. Just a stupid postcard looking thing advertising some hole-in-the-wall Thai place you'll never step foot into and another Explanation of Benefits to add to the pile.
When you're trying to stream the OJ 30 for 30 thing via ESPN, but AT&T Internet is a big, dumb, flop of a joke that doesn't work unless you're basically sitting on top of the damn box with your phone or laptop on your person.
AT&T INTERNET. THE WORST.
When people walk up to your desk at work and start talking, completely and blatantly ignoring the fact that you have headphones in/on. I've written about this before, but clearly it's plaguing me still. Do people think these are just on? And don't have music or a podcast going at a substantially loud volume AND are noise cancelling? LIKE. I CAN'T HEAR YOU. Walk up. Pause. Make a signal for me to pause. Then let's commence.
The fact that no one isn't pregnant according to my Facebook timeline. First, it was the never-ending engagements. Now, it's a new baby announcement almost daily. I wanna see a show of hands — who's NOT pregnant? Also, let's all remember that while we're liking and loving these status updates, those two people had sex to make that happen. You're basically openly letting them know that you know they did the ol' P in V and that he def came but she most very likely didn't that one specific time because isn't that just life and they had to clean up afterwards since there's always excess even if they were trying to keep most of that excess in and he probably took too long to get the towel and she was miffed and rolled her eyes while his semen was actively attacking her insides. REMEMBER THAT. REMEMBER THAT THAT IS WHAT YOU'RE "LIKING"!
That tangent was the worst and I'm sorry.
When you ask your friends to contribute to your blog post and this is how they respond:
That my phone is plugged in at least twice a day for extended periods is the worst. It's like, might as well just go back to using a landline because that's essentially what's happening with how often I'm charging this damn device.
When you think all your laundry is washed and dealt with — hamper empty, washer empty, clothes hung up and put away — until you open the dryer to throw in some towels and realize you COMPLETELY FORGOT about that one last load you were drying extra good. Can't tell you how many times I've seen that, sighed audibly, and slammed the dryer door shut to deal with another time.
When you cannot get your fingers to cooperate and keep fucking up a text. Like. Nothing makes me more homicidal. Wait, that's a lie. What makes me more homicidal than that is...
THE SOUND OF MOTORCYCLES OR REALLY LOUD CARS. WORST.
When there's just those one or two eyebrow hairs out of place that you just cannot get with your tweezers, but successfully make your entire eyebrow area bright red while trying. Like, oh. Cool. Glad I was going for two small hairs and ended up looking like I just got a fresh eyebrow wax seconds before I need to be out the door.
When you go to the bathroom, get a snack, come back to your desk and realize FUCK — you forgot to get more water. Sigh.
When you thought you ordered the extra-long iPhone cord, but it's the 3-footer and everything is terrible and you're a failure.
When something doesn't qualify for Amazon Prime. Like, REALLY?! What makes you so gdamn special that I have to wait a normal amount of time to receive you, huh?
When you have to fart so desperately bad and finally get to a safe spot where you can let it loose and it's gone. Then, you go back from whence you came, and it reappears. WHY.
xox,
