remember when...
the older we get, the more cynical, jaded and bitter we become. what? oh is that negative of me? well, i'm sorry but no one ever said i was here to bring you joy and comfort - i am here to state true facts no one else wants to admit but try and make them funny (funny in a way that makes you ugly cry sometimes). i say all this because this time of year often makes me nostalgic for the back-to-school days and i think about how innocent we all used to be - so unknowing and ignorant to the world and all its secret evil. i swear i'm in a good mood this week - it just doesn't seem like it from reading that first paragraph.
remember when...
you went back-to-school shopping for notebooks and pens and pencils? the way the store smelled of new ruled paper and those markers that had different scents like apple and cherry and evil black licorice? i'm pretty sure these types of shopping adventures is where my present-day shopping addiction began. i wanted it all - every lisa frank folder available, only the sassiest of ruled notebooks to write notes in and top of the line mechanical pencils. i wonder how much money my mom dropped on making me APPEAR organized and studious. after a while of letting kids free-for-all their school supplies, schools got smarter and started providing you with pre-packaged shit. a big ol' box of every notebook and pen you'd ever need. this way, parents didn't have to drop extra dollars on brightly colored, awesome shit for us. i get it now. i see what they were doing - trying to make us all uniform and create the second coming of the third reich. WELL, TOO BAD THAT FAILED, ASSHOLES.
remember when...
you used to lay your clothes out the night before a day of school? because i did. i'm not even sure this was something my mother required of me, i just did it on my accord (yet more signs of my inevitable OCD personality that would soon take hold of me for the rest of my life). i would even go as far to lay it on my desk chair in the order of which i would put it onto my body. work it from the bottom up, ya know? it was so exciting to have that to look forward to the next day. of course, this was when you were SUPER young. by the time high school hit, you were probably trying to figure out how much skin you could actually get away with showing at school without a) getting called into someone's office for it and b) coming off as TOO much of a skank, but moreso a tease. when i hit 16, NO JEANS WERE LOW-RISE ENOUGH. i wanted my ass crack to practically be on display, leaving nothing to the imagination of disgusting, 16-year-old boys. but i wasn't slutty. Y'ALL, I WASN'T. i didn't even have a full makeout sesh til i was a junior. give me a break. just because a lady isn't a slut, doesn't mean she doesn't wanna wear super low-rise bootcut jeans with a top from express and a vicky's secret push-up bra. i just wanted to fit in. god, it was hard being a drama nerd.
remember when...
titanic was all the rage and you made it an actual game to play during recess. no? you didn't do that? WELL I DID and i was fucking famous for it. my friends and i utilized the jungle gym and made it our own personal titanic. at any given time during recess, you could hear a girl screaming "ICEBERG! RIGHT AHEAD!" and know what was up. my best friend still remembers the ungodly amount of blood-curdling screams that filled the playground during our titanic sessions. just so much screaming. "AHH!!! MY BABY! WHAT ABOUT MY BABY?!" girls hanging off by one hand, imagining an icy, unforgiving ocean was right below their feet, waiting to engulf them forever. i've always had a vivid imagination. never let go...
remember when...
holding hands was enough? just simple hand holding had you on cloud nine for a week. the surge of excitement and energy you felt pulsating through your body was similar to the high you get nowadays from a raunchy makeout session. ugh, we're all so damaged. we've lost that loving feeling, all of us. everyone.
remember when...
the oregon trail? THE BEST. look at those wandering buffalo byson things. they have no idea they're about to get shot dead by a 5th grader.
remember when...
getting assigned seats was the end of the fucking world? every year, you never knew whether or not your teacher was going to be a stuffy bitch who actually TOLD you where you were sitting or a cool, laidback baller who was all like "sit wherever. let's learn!" where you sat was the BIGGEST deal. desks were very much like normal real estate - LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION. you didn't want to be up in the front, obviously. that way you couldn't pass notes or NOT pay attention. the back was clearly where it was at - note passing, flirting, and finishing up homework assignments for other classes ABOUND. of course, any time i was able to choose where i sat, i lasted about two weeks before i was demanded to move away from my best friends. and it was ALWAYS ME who had to move. all the other bitches were safe, even if they were the ones causing the commotion. the teacher just assumed it was me being the asshole every time. it's because of my hair. i know it. they were all hairists!
remember when...
you essentially took your life over dates and proms? the dress, the shoes, the bag, the makeup, the hair, THE DATE?!?!! WHAT ABOUT THE DATE?! then what about the group? and the mode of transportation? and who's gonna get the alcohol? who's throwing the house party? where am i gonna vomit from taking 3 shots of vodka? WHOSE LEG WILL I HUMP WHILE DANCING TO SISQO?! i mean, girls still take their lives over things like this throughout the duration of their existence, but it's on a bigger scale. like for a wedding. or to a party where you know your college ex will be. i was just so thankful i went to my senior prom with my closet gay best guy friend. we listened to "BANANAS" on repeat the entire night and had a slumber party. a legit slumber party, with separate beds happening and girl talk til 3am. how did i not know?
remember when...
the spice girls? and clueless? AND EVERY BOY BAND EVER? in 4th grade, my two friends and i deemed ourselves cher, dionne and tai. even with my jewish hair and latina looks, i was cher (duh). we tried so hard to dress like them, which in the 4th grade was wearing like plaid socks or something like that. we wrote notes to each other IN CHARACTER: "d - you've been hanging out a lot with tai lately. are we still best friends? i hope so or my daddy will be really upset." then when the spice girls came on the scene, i created an actual singing troupe to mirror them. we called ourselves "the super troopers." what? what 11-year-old names her singing group after an ABBA song? i took that shit so seriously. i spent the duration of my sister's soccer games sitting on the sideline with my "music notebook," writing lyrics and practicing my pitch out loud. HOW DID I HAVE FRIENDS?
remember when...
buying fries or pizza or a cookie from the cafeteria was the best day of your life? there was something so deliciously wrong about those items at the school cafeteria, but you wanted them anyway. you wanted them every single day, but your parents knew better than to provide you with ANY money to buy them so you either spent your mornings begging friends to buy lunch for you or searching every hall and desk for a quarter there, a dime here. seriously, those days where i had just enough cents to buy a chocolate chip cookie was gonna be a great day. no one could touch me or my cookie. don't get me wrong - pb&j's from home were legit, but every now and then you need that extra something. and those cookies had that something (again, early detection here for my obsession with food and how it would control my mood swings).
remember when...
you wanted braces or a retainer SO badly? and how you would break off the top of those disgusting, sugar, juice drink bottles and pretend it was a retainer? "sorry, guys. i can't talk right now. i'm really busy having a retainer and being more mature with better teeth than all of you." WHY? why did we have this oral fixation and want metal contraptions in our fucking mouths?! are all humans born with the innate curiousity of S&M? we actually WANTED for our poor, young mouths to be tortured with turning keys and colored rubber bands in honor of major holidays? oh, we were so young. and so much wiser now... with probably pretty decently formed teeth except for the one tooth that's kinda crooked because we haven't worn our retainer in years.
remember when...
going to the movies in a big group on a friday night was the shit? you'd have to get all coordinated with parents dropping you off and whatnot, but once you were there, you were the coolest kid in school. everyone in the theatre wanted to murder the entire group of you for being loud and for wearing low rise gap jeans. then, after the movie was over, you would go to some disgusting chain like RAZOO'S or CHILI'S and sip on coke and be on this hormone-induced placebo effect high. nowadays, movies cost $20 and they upcharge on bottles of wine like they made it from fresh grapes in the back room. SERIOUSLY. $30 for WHAT I KNOW TO BE A $10 bottle????? but i'll buy it anyway. and drink it while i watch my arthouse film. alone.
that's enough memory lane for today. now all i want are chicken nuggets and mashed potatoes and a cafeteria cookie. THANKS, ME.
- emma
