sometimes it's okay to hate everything
i was inspired by the terrible start to my day to write this post. it's a short post. a ranting post. but a post nonetheless. sometimes...
it's okay to hate everyone and everything.
and i don't mean ACTUALLY hate it all - i hate people who hate the word hate and always come back at you with "hate is a strong word." yeah, i know that. but you're a fucking idiot if you think i ACTUALLY really mean "hate." but HATE sounds a lot better than "i dislike today." my hate and bad moods are of hulk quality - not like a little lamb who had a bad day in the meadows and doesn't like herself today.
it all started this morning with a terrible outfit. i mean, a REALLY BAD outfit. this doesn't happen often to me (what? i can say that. whatevs), but when it does, it's enough to turn my world upside down. i don't know if i just wasn't awake enough or thought that maybe if i disguised my unshowered self well enough that i could get away with looking halfway decent, but god was i wrong. and i knew this - that's the sad part. i KNEW how terrible i looked and how unsensical my ensemble was, but almost in a self-wounding way, i told myself too bad and that i didn't have time to fix it so i'd just have to suffer one day of my life with a notsogreat outfit.
then, my boss called.
"hey, have you left the house yet?"
"um actually no..." it was 8:25. work starts at 8:30 and it takes me about 10-12 minutes to get there.
"would you bring me a sports bra? i completley forgot one and i'm working out during lunch." i saw my opening.
"yeah sure! also, i'm gonna run to walgreens really quick to pick up a prescription so i'll be a little late."
"okay, no worries! see you soon."
okay, cool. i may look like a mental patient who was granted permission to dress herself today for the first time in three years of being in the ward, but at least my boss knows i'm going to be late and is okay with it. i can calm down a little.
or can i?
i drive to walgreens (which is in the opposite of my office entirely and i'm super low on gas as it is). they don't have my prescription. okay, fine. it happens. but you probably could've figured that out in 5 minutes as opposed to almost 15. i end my conversation with the "pharmacist" by stating "all right. i have to get to work. i can figure this out later. thanks." VROOM. and i'm off.
at this point, it's 8:50. lest we forget my "clock-in" at work is around 8:30. i get back on the highway to make my drive to work when, without warning to myself, i decide NOPE. I'M STOPPING OFF AT HOME AND CHANGING. I CANNOT MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY LOOKING HOW I LOOK AND FEELING HOW I FEEL.
i more or less fastandfurious into a parking spot outside my building, run up and strip down with no plan. i haven't thought this out. it's not like i said "YES! THAT'S WHAT I'LL WEAR!" before i decided to make the change. so another 10 or so minutes is wasted deciding how to look less terrible. you know what i end up in? this:
all black. and not just any regular all black outfit. no. a completely mismatched all black outfit. don't let the picture fool you. in person, every single piece of black i have on today is a different shade from the other. of course, i didn't fully realize this until i was pulling into work at 9:20 and the sunlight hit my ensemble, showcasing my lack of awareness when it comes to dressing myself. the skirt is a deeper black, the shirt is a black/gray, my TOMS i decided to sport (i really gave up today, y'all) are a worn-in black with specklings of dirt and grime, the necklace involves a shinier black leather material. my only saving grace here was the fact that at least it's all black. at least i didn't TRY to cheer myself up with a bold color today. no. i knew what this day was from the moment i woke up this morning. and i have succumb to it. i tried to figure out a "top knot" for my hair from 9:30-10 and gave up altogether. today's just not working for me, guys.
i actually have now re-entered this post since this morning with brand new news to share about how this day has gone down. to add onto everything, i had a doctor's appointment during lunch, got my butt fucked with by cold hands (don't ask) and was almost back to the office in a timely manner when the doctor's office rang and let me know i had left my wallet on their counter. so around i turned, screaming all the way, damning this godforesaken wednesday. the only good thing that came out of having to doubleback to retrieve my wallet was that i was responsible and decided to stop for gas. because lord knows this day would've stuck me on the side of the highway in rush hour on the way home tonight if i hadn't done that.
OH AND did i mention last night was a girl's night hosted by yours truly, filled with mountains of alcohol, eats and sweets and that, at one point, i was simultaneously stuffing cake and sourdough bread into my mouth? so needless to say... i can't.
my point in sharing my mood and day with you all is this:
it's OKAY to feel like i do today. sometimes it can be therapeutic to just BE pissed. because here's the deal: life can suck. days can suck. and it can suck for no particular reason. nothing that i just relayed to you would be anything to actually cry over and most of you probably think i'm just a whiny asshole for even writing it all out. but ya know what? sometimes it's okay to hate everyone and everything for no legitimate reason. get it all out. what's the use in fighting off a bad mood when you know it's probably gonna put you in an even WORSE mood trying to 180 your pissy mood? no one can be chipper and light-hearted all the time and if you wake up on the wrong side of the bed and find yourself wearing a leopard turban headband and feeling like a bald-headed stepchild, you can bet your bottom dollar you're gonna be anything but upbeat that day. i'm speaking from experience.
be angry.
hate everyone.
hate your cube.
hate your computer.
hate that one pen that always tricks you into thinking it works but never does.
hate the fact that you have to pee.
hate your hair.
hate your lunch.
hate that it's only 1:30.
but just know... you'll probably be happy tomorrow. life is a rollcoaster and we're all just trying not to throw up from the ride.
- emma
