I can’t even count how many times I’ve written about my own personal health, fitness, workout routines, etc. A lot. And it’s “a lot” because it’s been such an integral part of my life for a long time. It started in college when my best friend literally taught me how to workout (I was a theatre kid and didn’t know what the fuck weights and machines were) and has taken on many forms throughout my post-grad adult life (can I still stay post-grad when it’s been, like, 12 years?).

For not ever playing sports, I’ve always been so fascinated by fitness. I remember trying to run laps around the neighborhood at age 13 or so (it didn’t go well). I also have a somewhat athletic/muscular build for not ever being an athlete, so to speak. I’m curvy for sure, but my arms and legs get toned fast. My goal with fitness has always been sort of open-ended. There have been times, yes, when the goal was weight loss. Many times. But, at the end of the day, the absolute #1 reason I stay active and move is because of the mother fucking endorphins. My brain and body crave them, and there is a BIG difference in my day-to-day mental health when I’m active vs. when I’m not. It’s #science. Of course, though, seeing and feeling physical changes is incredibly rewarding, too.

All this to say, body love/acceptance/positivity etc is an absolute mind fuck and effects 99.9% of people, most especially women (these are not real stats, but they could be). Not beating yourself up metaphorically and/or physically can be a struggle. I know how hard I am on myself and can only imagine that you’re the same. The truth of the matter is, as much as I want to be active to be active and stay mentally healthy, I’m a human and I’m putting in a lot of work and FUCK YEAH I want to see results?! Who doesn’t?! The trick, though, is finding what’s sustainable and setting your expectations.

Perfect example: Cutting way down on carbs yields results, but is not lifetime-sustainable.

Doing Keto or some other fad diet yields results, but is not lifetime-sustainable.

Counting every calorie and/or macro of every meal 7 days a week yields results, but is not lifetime-sustainable.

(Of course, there are exceptions to all of these given the circumstances and any health-related issues).

It sounds so simple when you break it down like that, but actually believing all that and accepting it and living it is a different beast. It’s my full belief that we’re all fucked up over food and exercise and body image. We can’t help it; we come by it honestly because of society and media. We can only control so much of what’s being obviously and subliminally served to us every day, but what we can control is our own relationship with our bodies and health.

If you can’t tell, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on this lately. I don’t know if it’s because I moved away from MegMo training or I turned 34 or what, but my relationship with my body has been heavy on my mind the past few months. A few years ago, I saw some online trolls write something about me along the lines of “You would think she’d look a lot better with how often she posts about working out and stuff,” and that has haunted me ever since. That ugly, shitty thought takes up way more space in my brain than it should, and it’s because I’ve thought that about myself too many times to count and seeing someone else write it out on the internet shook me. And angered me. And made me really sad.

I posted this picture with the following caption on IG last Friday:

“i’m done.
i’m done wishing I was taller so my weight gain distributed more evenly.
i’m done getting frustrated when I don’t see a noticeable and instantaneous difference from my consistent efforts to be active and eat balanced.
i’m done hating my midsection and wishing it wasn’t my problem area.
i’m done letting candid pictures or video trigger me and make me question why I even bother.
i’m done fighting SO hard against my body’s natural shape.

i’m done with body dysmorphia.
i’m done not celebrating my body and thanking her for doing what she does.
i’m done.”

And I really, truly meant it. I’m so over beating myself up over things I literally can’t control when it comes to my natural body shape. But more than all this, I’m fucking done living in a fantasy world I created with unrealistic expectations. Yes, I workout 3-4 days a week and do cardio 3 days a week. Yes, I attempt to make the healthier choice when it comes to food. Yes, I obviously think all this means I should have a 12-pack by now! BUT THAT’S INSANE. Because I’m LIVING my life in between all the exercise and fruit cups > fries (which happens so rarely but feels Nobel Peace prize worthy whenever it does). I need a sweet treat most nights. I have a large appetite and almost always have a serving size and a half of what I cook. Pizza is God. Good wine and great cocktails are a joy. My life isn’t dedicated to having a certain body fat % or fitting into a certain size or making sure every single thing I do and eat throughout the day checks a box.

AND THAT’S OKAY. It just means my "progress” will be slower. Way slower. And this is something I’ve just now realized. Today.

I started the PWR program via the Sweat app in June and took full body pictures that day. Today I woke up and thought it probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to recreate the same shots to see what progress had been made. But I was terrified to see nothing, no changes because of everything I just said. Because I am still enjoying my life and eating and drinking the things without counting calories or keeping an obsessively close watch on it all, I expected to see nothing. I didn’t want to take them but I did and was pleasantly surprised.

The progress isn’t drastic—it’s steady progress that has been developing subtly as I continue to move my body almost daily and eat chips and queso whenever the fuck I feel like it. It’s progress that shows I work hard to maintain a lifetime-sustainable lifestyle full of lifting heavy shit, building up my running stamina, eating fries and chicken fingers, and drinking spicy margs. You know what I’m saying?

Like I said earlier, I would love to subscribe to the idea of exercising to maintain where I am, but if I’m being honest with myself, that’s not my goal. I always want to be stronger, more in shape, more toned, etc. I absolutely want to see results and progress and all that jazz, but I’m not willing to be miserable about it and fuel my hangups with food and eating by making unrealistic, unsustainable shifts. So I will keep crushing it while crushing bags of chips and if it takes me years to see more progress, then so be it. I’ve got time.

Also, highly recommend buying Katie Sturino’s book, Body Talk to practice body positivity and love. I’m currently reading it and it’s high priority for me to finish in full.