I Can't, Vol. 55
I CAN'T
that I got into work ON TIME today and was halfway through the lobby before realizing I had left not just my individual lunch sitting in a plastic bag on the kitchen counter but, with it, the ENTIRE Tupperware full of this week's chicken salad I just made fresh last night. Typically, this would be a exasperated sigh, "are you fucking kidding me?" moment, but because of where I'm at right now in terms of PMS and exacerbated anxiety because of that PMS, it was more like a scene straight out of really any horror film ever. Murderous screams once inside the safety of my car and hot, angry tears accompanied me the entire way back to my house to save today's, tomorrow's, and probably Thursday's lunch. Good thing I didn't wear mascara today and that I'm a cool, calm, collected individual in case of crises that are anything but. A day in the life, y'all.
I CAN'T
that KKW had the audacity to steal my Friday night lewk and act like she came up with the sexy henley vibe on her own. She even Bo Derek'd her hair in an attempt to get my fresh-out-of-the-shower krimpy curls situation. It's like, be original, ya know? You have all this money and fame, yet you still copy peasants' outfits? Like why are you so obsessed with me? We have so little, so you could've at least let me have my sexy henley moment, which I now see clearly wasn't even kind of sexy compared to your take on the whole thing. You bitch. Next time, we're going NO bra and unbuttoned all the way. And no one will ever see that version, but I'll know I did it and that it's out there and that'll be enough for me.
But, really. My henley is so incredibly soft and comfortable (can't speak for KKW, though). It's by Aerie (I know, right? Who even shops there past the age of 18? I'll tell you who — 30-year-olds who have a knack for wearing pajamas as real clothes, that's who), comes in multiple colors and is like wearing butter. It's their most popular item, so it goes in and out of stock online almost hourly and is extremely aggravating. Therefore, I suggest heading in-store if there's one near you because that's how I was finally able to secure mine. Oh! And I picked up a pair of their take on the mom jeans trend I'm VERY into right now, and I'm loving those as well.
I CAN'T
with "Call Me By Your Name." I watched it the other night and just about died. Gorgeous, stunning, thoughtful, beautiful and, most importantly, SEXY AF. Here's the deal — in general, I don't find homosexual love scenes riveting. Sure, there's the occasional arthouse coming-of-age film with two girls that maybe makes your groin area feel cautiously confused for a hot second because you're like "Oh yeah. I know how that feels." But for the most part, you're most turned on by what you know, so I react strongest to a man and woman doing stuff. However, "Call Me By Your Name" awoke my innards. Like WOKE 👏🏼THEM 👏🏼UP 👏🏼Y'ALL👏🏼. The chemistry between Elio and Oliver was at once innocent and pure yet raw and deliciously passionate, and both actors committed to the cause of portraying that first, all-consuming, must-have-you-right-now but also when-will-I-see-you-again and if-I-dont-I-might-die first love that (hopefully) we've all experienced. It's all done so tastefully and so sexually, and I would gladly make out with either of those actors because both of them look like amazing kissers. That's all.
I CAN'T
believe it took me so long to realize just how obsessed I am with a fig spread + goat cheese situation. Sure, I've always liked it. But we so often float through moments in our lives, failing to take into account what exactly is making a meal so exceptionally delicious. And I think I've realized that, for me, a sandwich or even cheese boardt with both fig spread and goat cheese options is what my tastebuds' dreams are made of. The sweet but not too sweet fig spread paired with the tangy, creamy goat cheese is just. Well, it's perfect. I made myself a grilled chicken sandwich yesterday clad with fig spread + goat cheese, red onions, roasted red bell peppers, spinach, all on a ciabatta roll and had dreams about it last night (again, I'm PMSing so my cravings and intense feelings about those cravings are at pregnant woman level).
I CAN'T
Ok, guys. Heidi Gardner is a new SNL cast member this year, and this sketch on Saturday night had me uncomfortably scream-yelling from my couch. She portrays an awkward, teenage YouTube star named Bailey Gismert who does movie reviews, and Gardner must have younger sisters or done some serious observation of teenage idiosyncrasies because this was uncomfortably yet hilariously on point.
I CAN'T
with passers-by tell you "No yawning!" I didn't realize it until I was at dinner last week with my friend (for Dallasites, she's Rachel from the Food Bitch and the authority on all things delicious and new around the Big D). It was just her and I out to dinner and a big yawn took over me. Just then, a man I DIDN'T KNOW walked by our table, brushed his hand lightly on my shoulder and, in a way that I'm sure he thought seemed cute and flirty, said "I saw you yawn! No yawning!" It was then that Rachel made a connection that shook me to my core: "Saying 'No yawning!' to a woman is basically the same as saying 'Smile!'" How about this, guys? How about no one tells any stranger in public to do anything with their face and mouth? How about that? I will frown if I'm having a bad day or even what I'm not. I will yawn as big as I want until my jaw dislocates if that's how tired I'm feeling even if it's barely 9pm on a weeknight. And you can observe from afar and keep your commands disguised as flirtatious suggestions to yourself. I'M TIRED.
I CAN'T
with #shoegate 2018, y'all. If you follow me on the 'gram you might've noticed that this INCREDIBLY SIMPLE PICTURE of my new Target shoes went viral (in my little world, anyway). I don't know why or how, but a picture I spent — oh — 5 minutes putting together, posted with the thought of "It'll flop. It's the most boring close-up picture of shoes ever but oh well 'cause I love them and they're cute IRL" literally blew up and I've been shook ever since.
I have my Instagram profile set to a business account so I'm able to see how much (or how little) my #content is effecting, reaching, and working for my audience (you guys!). So here's a little BTS footage of WTF happened with this picture of shoes. As of right now, we're sitting pretty at over 1.3k likes, 61 comments, 162 people SAVED the image to study later, it's garnered almost 1k profile views, and has reached over 40k people. Like... WHAT? You guys have been with me on the social media journey since you found me, so I feel comfortable in saying WHAT THE FUCK? about this. Truly, I don't know what happened. Perhaps it somehow ended up on the Discover page? Or people just REALLY love affordable AF Target shoes? Regardless, it's been a weird and wild ride with this post. And it goes to show you never know what's going to work. The pictures I've spent thoughtful time curating and editing and really strategizing have nothing on this picture of shoes that I quite literally put on, walked out of my house and onto my porch, bent over just slightly, snapped a picture, doctored it ever-so-lightly, and threw on Instagram with zero expectations. Instagram is a strange place, guys. A very strange place indeed. (P.S. the shoes really are cute, though and so comfortable).
I CAN'T
with the narrow sunglasses trend coming back. I cannot and I WILL not. And the worst part isn't even the glasses themselves, it's that they're actually referred to as "Matrix" style sunglasses. Well guess the fuck what, Neo? Even if you fed me both and the red AND blue pill, I still wouldn't sucuumb to this tiny sunglasses trend. Give me full eye coverage OR GIVE ME DEATH (check back in a few months to see if I've found a loophole way to participate in this trend).
I CAN'T
with this delightful new candle I found. Volupsa has been around forever and, for a long time, Baltic Amber and I knew each other well. It was my go-to for years until we grew tired of each other and knew it was in our best interest to part ways. Not forever; just for now. They say it happens when you least expect it, so stumbling upon this Amber Lumiere scent by them the other weekend really took me by surprise.
I am a sucker for any candle with amber-forward notes, so it's been a match made in smelly heaven up in my house. Even better is that for how big the jar is, $27 is a reasonable price to pay for a clean, somewhat sensual smelling home.
I CAN'T
with laundry, guys. I just can't. I mean, I know none of us truly can so you will completely understand where I'm coming from but MY GOD. I've said it before and I'll say it again — I don't know how families do it. Like, I have a hard enough time tending to my own soiled workout clothes and attempting to change my sheets on a regular basis like any good, responsible, not disgusting adult should do. So to imagine a house of more than just myself with laundry needs makes me want to give up altogether. It just never ends. There's always something to wash or a forgotten load of dried clothes that's been waiting patiently in the drier for weeks to be put away or that one pair of jeans you hang dry that will not fully dry yet, and all the while, your dresser drawers and closet that you work so hard to keep pared down and well-maintained has suddenly run out of space and hangers and WHY. WHY, GOD?! WHY!!!
I CAN'T
handle when there's an accident on the highway in the opposite direction you're driving, but everyone on your side of the highway has to rubberneck, which results in your side of traffic now looking like and moving as slowly as the other side that actually has the accident going on. Oh, not to mention that rubbernecking doesn't do shit since there's a large enough median separating each side of the highway so you can't even see shit anyway. Just... KEEP DRIVING, PEOPLE. PLEASE. YOU SEEING WHATEVER HAPPENED ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE OR EFFECT YOUR DAY IN ANY WAY. IT ALREADY SUCKS ENOUGH FOR THOSE PEOPLE THAT THEY'RE HOLDING UP THEIR ENTIRE SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY WITH THEIR ACCIDENT, SO I REALLY THINK THEY'D ACTUALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU'D JUST GO ABOUT YOUR DAY AND NOT HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH THE SAME TYPE OF TRAFFIC THEY'RE CAUSING ON THEIR SIDE OF THINGS RIGHT NOW.
I guess we're ending on a super yell-y, angry note today. Seems about right.
xox,
