PANDA WATCH 2015 (My Review of the Oscars)

Ever since I can remember, award show season has been a huge part of my annual life. I don't know when it started (probably before I could form words), but making a huge deal out of the Golden Globes and Academy Awards is a tradition I look forward to most each year. I got rid of cable over a year ago, and I have to say — the only time I feel it, like really feel it, is January and February. Any other month of the year, I am completely content streaming movies and television shows of the past through my Apple TV; re-watching episodes of beloved series I've seen at least 10-20 times (see: Gilmore girls and Seinfeld). But when it's time for the celebrities to crash the red carpets and give us something(s) to judge and talk about, not being able to send out the most basic bitch gmail invites to my friends re: an Oscar watch party, makes me so sad.

Ok. Pity party over. Luckily, I'm dating a guy who does have cable (for #sports and watching "Predator" or "Bourne Identity" for the 37th time), so I was able to essentially takeover his TV last night, shoving popcorn and wine into my pie hole while my phone was receiving 22 texts a minute from my mom, sister, and best friends. So many outfits to judge, so many comments to make about celebrities we'll never meet or measure up to. Here are the outfits/moments that stuck with me the most from last night's charade of glamour.

Patricia Arquette's acceptance speech.

Guys, sorry. But :-| I in no way found her words inspiring or empowering. In fact, I found them misplaced and inappropriate. I get that a lot of winners like to use the stage and the microphone as a 60-second soapbox (more on that later), but for messages and issues that make sense. A Hollywood actress who's paid millions and worth millions standing up to yell about equal pay rights is bull crap. And, one of the highest paid (maybe the highest paid?) actresses getting super pumped up about it and cheering her on (I'm talking about Meryl Streep, obviously) is just as messed up. YOU PEOPLE MAKE MILLIONS. WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT? To be fair, I understand acting is a profession just like any other wherein there are politics and injustices, but I guess it comes down to me not needing a celebrity figure who is well-off representing my struggle as a woman to earn what I deserve. I need someone in the real world doing that. End rant.

If you came within two feet of ScarJo last night, you now have Poison Ivy.

Yeah, her body is ridiculous. I mean, it always is, but considering she just pushed a baby out of her, she looks good. However, that doesn't excuse her choice of look last night. I just can't.

J.Lo in general.

I said it in my Golden Globes post and I'll type it again — YES, J.LO. WE KNOW YOU'RE 40 AND LOOK THE WAY YOU DO. WE GET IT. NOW PUT YOUR TITS AWAY AND RETIRE YOUR GLENDA THE GOOD WITCH GOWN. Also, WTF re: her red eye shadow??? Next time, do us all a favor and cut to the chase by walking down the red carpet naked. We all know you want to anyway.

J.Lo being at the Oscars/seated next to Meryl Streep.

WHAT WAS THIS. Why was Jenny from the block even at the Oscars? What did she do this year to be there AND be seated next to Meryl MOTHERFUCKING Streep? Oh. Star in a "thriller" in which she "sleeps with" an "underage" teenager she ends up "teaching" at "school"? THAT'S NOT OSCAR INVITEE MATERIAL. THAT'S THE TOP STORY ON THE 8PM NEWS EVERY NIGHT ON CABLE TV.

One last J.Lo thing, sorry.

Robert Duvall's wife, who probably out-ages J.Lo by 20 years, won last night's version of "Who Wore It Better?"

Rosamund Pike was a nightmare dressed like a daydream.

Of course, I only use that line because of her character in "Gone Girl." I'm sure she's nothing close to a nightmare in real life. Last night, she was the walking example of a "lady in red." Just amazing, and doesn't look even a little capable of slitting someone's throat mid-sex.

JK Simmons had a wonderful message.

Call your girlfriend. I mean, your parents. JK obviously feels very strongly about texting and emailing not being enough when it comes to communicating with your parents, and he's right. But sometimes phone calls are just soooooo draining and sooooo unnecessary. Still, his speech made me feel guilty, and I asked my mom if I could call her. She said "Not now. I'm eating."

Neil Patrick Harris should've done a few shots before the show.

Man, was he rigid. I never got into HIMYM, but from what I hear, he's pretty funny on it. The opening of the Academy Awards last night was fantastic, but once NPH was on his own, the rest of it fell flatter than Kate Hudson pre-boob job. That is, until...

Lady Gaga saved the show and her horrific red carpet look with the performance of a lifetime.

The hills are alive with the sound of Gaga. Sometimes (most of the time), Lady Gaga is so weird, we forget how talented she actually is or how she's capable of landing fiancés that look like Taylor Kinney. She showed up to the Oscars last night in one of the ugliest dresses the carpet has ever had grace its presence. The Internet had a fucking heyday over it.

BUT THEN. But. Then. Halfway through a lagging night of Hollywood, Gaga comes out, looking way more normal, and nails a "Sound of Music" medley harder than anyone's ever nailed a medley before. Good job, Gaga. Proud of you, girl.

"Everything Is Awesome" was not awesome.

It was confusing. And scary. And why Tegan and Sara? I will say, though, seeing The Lonely Island up on the Oscars stage made me feel like a proud mom. At the risk of sounding like "that" girl, I was watching The Lonely Island's hilariously pointless online videos back in 2004/2005. When their troupe was signed to SNL, I felt validated for my interest in such off-beat comedy. Last night made it even better.

Graham Moore's acceptance speech was EVERYTHING.

Now THIS is how you use your 60-seconds up on that Oscar stage. What a powerful, inspiring message. And so raw, too. Not rehearsed, just completely genuine and so inspiringly real. If you don't know what I'm talking about, here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGF8bzeRwcw

Anne Hathaway wasn't there.

Which was a win for everyone last night, as far as I'm concerned.

What about Joan Rivers not being included in the "In Memoriam" tribute?

This is the Academy's official response: "Joan Rivers is among the many worthy artists and filmmakers we were unfortunately unable to feature in the In Memoriam segment of this year's Oscar show. She is, however, included in our In Memoriam gallery on Oscar.com." Sorry, what? That's not a reason. You weren't able to feature her? Why not? It's one more slide. What — because she wasn't technically in the movie industry, she wasn't worthy enough to be remembered? Screw that. SHE MADE ALL YOU CELEBRITY FUCKS WORTH WATCHING VIA THE RED CARPET AND FASHION POLICE.

And, lastly, Zoe Saldana.

VA-VA-FUGGIN-VOOM. OKAY, ZOE. A new mama TO TWINS, a bit more curve, and all-around sexual glamor. I loved everything about her face, her dress, and her attitude. I gasped when I saw her. This is a prime example of someone who knows how to dress for her body.