I Can't, Vol. 26

I thought that I couldn't, until I got to work today and realized I can't not (if that sentence made sense to you, email me because we should be best friends).

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I can't...

with 4-day weekends, clearly. Because today was a struggle, guys. A mad struggle. Did I wake up like I normally do for the gym? Nope. Was I totally alert and handling my workload calmly? Nah. 68 emails. I don't care how good a long weekend is, 68 emails can single-handedly ruin all of those happy feelings in mere seconds. And yeah, most of them don't even pertain to you, but you were still copied on them. So you feel the weight of them in your inbox and that's enough to mentally trick you into feeling more stressed than you are.

I can't...

decide how to ween myself off of regular sugar in my coffee. First, Splenda was terrible for you. Now, normal sugar is caloric AF even though it took me a while to get myself used to missing the taste of artificial sweetener. I'm lost. I thought Stevia in the Raw was the next best choice, and now I'm reading about how, it too, will probably eventually highly likely maybe might could kill you. WTF is a sweet coffee lover supposed to do?! Honey? Still very caloric, but has lots of natural health benefits? What. WHAT. WHAT DO I DO, HUH? SOMEONE TELL ME.

I can't...

with Target's fresh out the truck swimsuits. Girls, GET THE FUCK ON IT. They'll be gone by the time you read this post.

I can't...

over the moment Jerry and Larry had on this weekend's SNL40 event. Honestly, they could've just done the "Hey! Hi! Look at this!" bit and stopped there. It was enough for me. Larry's smile makes every bit of my cynical, neurotic, observant heart melt. The things I felt in my body and groin when this was happening are grounds for a medical experiment about what two mens' faces can do to a woman who would give her left nipple to have lunch with one of them.

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I can't...

handle the wonder of the Thug Kitchen cook book. My boyfriend's super hip sister gifted us with it over the weekend, joking that we can fight over who keeps it at whose house, but knowing that my boyfriend calling dibs wasn't at all realistic. The recipes are all vegan, BUT! You can easily make them not so, and the directions for each dish was hilarious enough to keep you coming back for more. Ex: "Makes a side serving for 4 people or two big servings for your lonely ass to eat for a few nights." 

I can't...

with my lunch today. I'm serious. I know that's so specific, but anyone who loves and respects lunchtime will understand. Some people are like "Meh, lunch. I almost forgot to eat it today." But everyone else holds lunch sacred. It's something to break up your day — a delicious treat to look forward to. Something that happens every single day around the same time that should be looked for ward to and taken good care of. That's why, when you fuck it up by sleeping in and packing a crap meal or forgetting a major aspect of it or ordering the wrong thing, it's one of the more depressing moments in life. It's truly sad how the lack of an avocado in a salad can (and did) ruin an entire meal.

I can't...

Amber Rose. I just can't with you. Like, I can't so much with this... thing that I would rather sit at a dinner table with all of the Kardashians sisters, completely sober and with no option of Ativan while Kim's sex tape plays on a huge projector screen than come within 100 feet of Amber Rose. Maybe it's because we're so similar. I mean, we have the exact same "tired AF" facial expression AND get the same amount of likes for showing our "tired AF" face.

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I can't...

that some people still don't use electric toothbrushes. I don't understand. Do you enjoy having to rely on your own manual movements to ensure limited plaque build-up and minimally receding gum lines? Are you just opposed to superior dental care and clinically proven results? Were you not held enough as a child?

I can't...

with underwear+workout pants. Or can I? We'll find out tomorrow, after I complete my first ever workout whilst wearing made-for-the-gym underwear. I've gone commando for a long time, but I've recently decided to give moisture-wicking panties a go. More than that, I'm proud to announce that the pair I bought is the second thing I'm able to comfortably purchase from lululemon (but, while in there looking around, I might have muttered "I fucking hate this place so much. I want everything here" at least three times).

I can't...

with faux fur vests. There. I said it. I don't like them. I never have and I never will. I'm sorry to my friends, close or not, who have one and sport it. It just makes me uncomfortable and itchy and also it's so fake. It's just so damn fake.

I can't...

over this Belkin car vent phone clip that makes navigating directions, maps, texts, or even streaming video (JK that's dangerous AF) so much better in every way. Your phone, sitting eye-level with you in the car. WHODATHUNK?! It clips right onto one of your vent slats, and that's it. Ready to roll. Seriously, it's a game changer.

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I can't...

imagine what's going in the other 90% of my brain. You know, since we humans only use 10% of it. Like how? How is that even possible? I wonder if 90% of me is calm, cool, collected and completely capable of turning off any emotion like a light switch. I wonder if that 90% of me even cries. More importantly, though, I wonder if everyone could actually be a witch or wizard with magical wands and spells if we all just put our minds to it a little bit more. If, in fact, we're capable of creating a real-life Hogwarts. Which then makes me wonder... does David Blaine use, like, 20% of his brain? Because he can levitate, so methinks he's definitely at least at 11%.

That's all for now, folks.

xox,

emma 

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