I Can't

Every week, so many things are not being able to be handled by people who can't. I'm just here to call them out. I can't...

take the phrase "I've slept since" or "I've slept since then." I've never heard it until recently within my current office where I currently am working as of late, recently. It's always used in this context:

Someone to someone else: So, last week, when we were going over the Q1 reports about how they compare to the Q3 timeline...

That someone else back to the someone: Sorry, remind me again of that? I've slept since then.

Really though? It's just a snarky retort. Oh have you? Have you slept since then? Because I thought you stayed awake all weekend, going over what we discussed so it'd be fresh on your mind this morning. "I've slept since then." Guh.

I can't...

believe this horrific quote that I remembered just the other day. One time, an ex-boyfriend was telling a story about being out and about with his best friend and his best friend hitting on this really pretty girl, and when I asked my boyfriend why he hadn't hit on the girl first, he explained: "I mean, he has a harder time talking to girls, ya know? I'm tall and just ya know - I don't have trouble getting attention." OH? DO YOU NOT? HAVE TROUBLE GETTING ATTENTION? Well, guess what, sir? You have a fupa and are incapable of ejaculating. So. Ok bye.

I can't...

sit quietly by and be the victim of passive aggression. I've realized the older I've gotten how much people use PA in their daily, hourly lives. Why. Why can't we all just fucking say it how it is? I never have been and never will be afraid of confrontation. Not like I walk around, screaming at everyone about everything, but what joy do you receive out of being a douchebag in a subtle way? What kind of closure can you possibly stand to gain from thinking of clever, petty ways to get back at someone or remind someone of something they did to you that pissed you off? There should be a national confrontation day and, in that day, everyone would be required to go up to people with whom they have problems and say "HEY. I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU EMAIL. FIX IT." or "WHEN I HAVE WORK TO SHOW YOU, I WILL SHOW YOU. I'M NOT HOLDING OUT ON YOU. I JUST HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW YOU YET. CHILL THE FUCK OUT." National Confrontation Day, 2014. Let's make it happen as a nation.

I can't...

when I'm all set up in my car, music going via Spotify, bee bopping along and, being the anal retentive freak that I am, have to open up my "open apps" window and close out every app as to not waste battery. And, in doing so, close out Spotify. IT IS SO ANNOYING. Every single time, I scream something to the effect of: "MOTHER FUCKING SHIT GOD WHY!" Becasue then, I have to go back into Spotify, wait for it to catch up with itself, refind the song I was listening to... it's a pain. Not to mention it completely ruins the moment. It always happens to me when I'm hitting a high note. "I came in like a WRECKING FUCK NO WHY UGH." And on that same note...

I can't...

when I'm trying to hit a high-note and burp instead. It makes me laugh so hard, I'm surprised I haven't wrecked because of it.

I can't...

with the phrase "let's play it by ear." It honestly may be the worst phrase ever, because you know what it means? Disinterest. Indifference. It in no way has any intention of following up at any point. Play it by ear, my ass. This goes back to being passive - why not just be honest? "Ya know, I'm honestly not feeling it this weekend. I probably won't end up coming with you, so consider it a surprise if I decide to be social and don't count on me." Case closed. Or, if the phrase is being used in the context of not wanting to ever follow-up and make plans with that person in general, be even broader: "Yeah! We'll see!" That's it. Don't even give them the empty promise of your ears playing it. Any asshole can see right through that.

I can't...

with how perfect this Vine is - it literally embodies everything I love and stand for in life in just six seconds of pure wonder:

Suck A Dick vine

I can't...

tell you how much I love getting older and my bullshit threshold getting lower and lower. The theme of every day, every week, every month is I see your bullshit and I'm calling it out. I don't know what made me so hard, but it's like one day, I woke up and was like "Ya know what? NO" and ever since that day, I've put up with very little bullshit. That is, excluding men because those fuckers always get me one way or another.

I can't...

when people walk RIGHT through where you're standing instead of going around. WHY. Are you trying to prove a point? That I shouldn't be standing here? GO AROUND. It's a free country, bitch. This happened just a month ago at the airport. My dad and I were OFF TO THE SIDE with a mountain of luggage, almost against the wall. And what did this girl do? Treated it like an obstacle course on GUTS and made her way through us. I couldn't, but she definitely won a faux glowing piece of Aggro Crag.

I can't...

with the name "Aggro Crag." Like what is that? I just said it out loud and started dying laughing. Try it. Say it like five times in a row. Aggro Crag.

I can't...

with Trader Joe's jalapeno cilantro hummus. But I can and I do, often.

I can't...

with the way my dog chews carrots:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHOAun8e76s&feature=youtu.be

I can't...

stress to you all enough how imperative zzzquil is for not awesome sleepers like myself. It claims not to be addictive, yet how are you supposed to not get addicted to something that makes you sleep so soundly? That's a riddle wrapped in an enigma. But I truly suggest taking a shot of this disgusting liquid before bedtime to ensure you pass the fuck out and don't wake up 'til the sun is shining. Sure, it'll make you tardy to work sometimes because you'll be all curled up in your waffle-texture full pajama set, spooning your dog with that special liquid still coarsing swifting through your veins, but it's worth it and looks like this: