Life Advice, Love, Emma.

It's advice Wednesday here on the ol' blog and, boy, do I have a treat for you guys this week. Usually, I graze the interwebs, keeping my eyes peeled for ridiculous and upsetting advice questions that actual people actually write to "advice experts" online. But this week while on my usual hunt, I struck gold, y'all. Pure. Motherfuggin'. GOLD.

Caroline Manzo of the hit "reality" TV series, Real Housewives of New Jersey, has been for the past two years (and I quote) "sharing her no-nonsense wisdom on dating, family, friendship and more" - glo.msn.com. Oh. Really, Caroline? Really? Lemme tell you something. I've been watching a lot of Sopranos lately, okay? And just because you do, in fact, embody many stereotypical elements that makeup the picture-perfect mobster wife, doesn't mean there's not more loud-mouthed, opinionated women around these here parts who want to "give it straight" to retards alike when it comes to advice. Who's got two thumbs, a double-piercing, and a mild obsession with flour tortillas?

UH. THIS GUY.

So, as a challenge to myself, I'm going to see Caroline's answers to the "9 Toughest Advice Column Questions" and come at her with my own (virtually. Not literally. I know better than to ever physically fuck with the Edie Falco type).

Question 1.

"How do I know if my pre-wedding jitters are normal or a sign I should call things off?"

ANSWER: I mean, it depends on what types of jitters you're experiencing, doncha think? If you have the shakes, a constant stream of diarrhea coming out your butt, or wake up from night terrors in a cold sweat screaming "NO! I DON'T WANNA! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME!" then, yeah - we probably have an issue here. Look, I'm no expert (god only knows), but from what I've been told and from what I see through my rose-colored glasses, you don't get the wedding jitters when you feel 110% about the person you're I do-ing. Sure, the planning and stress and pressure of making sure every last detail down to the cocktail napkins are perfect probably will make you poop a few times a day, but the thought of WHO you're marrying and WHY shouldn't give you jitters. Gives you chills? Yes. Gives you nausea? No. Yeah, it's nerve-racking when you think "Whoa. This is IT. This is the person for...forever." Hell, my parents both broke out in hives and acne once they finally tied the knot and realized it was official. But if you have a doubtless mind when it comes to your S.O., those jitters should be reserved for having to see and make nice with distant relatives who mean nothing to you or watch your mother-in-law drunkenly dance by herself at the end of the night.

Question 2.

"How do I ask my boss for a raise?"

ANSWER: GOD. This question makes me feel like I'm reading an article called "How To Be An Obedient Secretary in the 1950s." If you want a raise, ASK FOR A RAISE. Get your credentials in order. Figure out good stuff you've done that would be cause for monetary reward. Think of prime examples of when you grabbed yer tits and acted LIKE A BOSS. And just ASK. Yes, there are politics. Yes, companies will most always find a way to say "no." But hey. That's the worst they can say. They're not gonna be all "...how DARE YOU? GET OUT. GET OUT YOU GREEDY RAT!" If nothing else, it'll make you appear to have bigger cajones than maybe anyone was giving you credit for. Asking for more money isn't hard when you TRULY deserve it. That's another thing - don't kid yourself. You may have been somewhere for a while, but if you've made barely any difference in the workload or overall environment, you shut your mouth and get back to work.

Question 3.

"How can I be supportive of both my parents during a divorce without taking sides?"

ANSWER: I forfeit this question, because I have no experience with the issue at hand and don't want to come off as an insensitive, ignorant dick. So. I don't know. Caroline wins this time.

Question 4.

"How can I get my husband to be more romantic?"

ANSWER: Oh, girl. Listen. If you didn't meet him as a romantic, he ain't gonna magically become one. This is a big something women struggle with - we want our men to be manly, hardened, almost totally stoic. But we also want them to be in touch with their feminine side, gushy around just us, and completely emotionally available. Basically, we all want the impossible. We want them to be romantic, but we also want them to be fiercely sexual. There's really no winning, so my biggest advice to you in order to spark up that romantic desire between you two is this: don't wear granny panties (shh, shh. I know they're more comfortable but you gotta keep the fire alive). Also, keep taking the initiative until your dying day.

Question 5.

"I'm falling in love with my close male friend. Should I tell him how I feel?"

ANSWER: That's me waving my finger back and forth in a "no no no" scolding fashion. I know it sucks and seems unfair, but imma real straight with you right here, right now:

No, Don't Tell Your Guy Friend You Love Him: video

Question 6.

"How can I learn to feel more comfortable and confident in my own skin?"

ANSWER: Cece says: "Get get like me, stuntin' is a habit." But seriously. If you want to feel more confident and comfortable on a daily basis, make moves to do so. It all starts with you, no matter how many people or things you project your insecurity onto. YOU are the only person who can change you. So get to gettin'. Change your daily routine even the slightest bit - instead of hitting snooze 16 times in a row, get up a little earlier, drink coffee in bed or sip warm lemon water (in a dream world, right? But if you can muster the strength to get up earlier, do it). Think positive thoughts and chant positive affirmations to yourself: "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And gosh darnit, most people like me and some people hate me but thank god I have some haters because that means I must be doing something right." You've gotta start somewhere and with something you know you have the power to change. If you decide to get confident by vowing to break your own face and then start a charity fund for facial reconstruction surgery, notsomuch. But you can:

Get your eyebrows waxed professionally

Trash your old makeup you've been using for years and stock up on new, professionally recommended shit

Try a yoga class or some other whackadoodle gym class

Get naked. Just take your fucking clothes off and walk around your apartment naked, constantly. I mean, make sure the doors are locked but strut your stuff for yourself. Stand in the mirror and dance. Cook naked. Clean naked. Be naked every chance you get and learn to laugh at and accept your body.

Just stop comparing yourself. It's a harsh reality to come by, but the fact of the matter is THIS IS YOU. You are you. You aren't gonna wake up one day and suddenly have gained the resources to look like Halle Berry or have lost those 10 extra pounds overnight. You gotta start working with what the heavens gave you, because that's the only way you're gonna get comfortable. I still struggle with it, but one day, it'll all click.

Question 7.

"I'm terrified of dating after my divorce. How do I get back out there?"

ANSWER: PSH, I don't know?!!??! Dating pre-divorce is hard enough - I can't imagine having to date post-divorce with somewhat saggier boobies and years of emotional investment that turned out being for not. Maybe join a divorcee club? Some sort of group therapy thing where you can meet other divorcees? Again, I think I'll give this one to Caroline for the win because I'm 26 and scared.

Question 8.

"My parents won't stop nagging me to get married. How can I politely tell them to butt out?"

ANSWER: You say, "HEY. HEY. Hey. Stop it. Stop it." If your parents are seriously pressuring you about marriage, they're either: Greek, ignorant, super duper religious, super duper southern, under the impression that marriage is the answer to everything and you must be flawed, farmers. I'd throw Jewish parents in there, but they're notsomuch naggy about marriage as they are about grandchildren in general. I really think they would rather you just miraculously give them grandbabies than have a wedding. They don't care how you do it, they just want the grandbabies. Anyhow, if your parents are nagging you that badly, tell them to shut the fuck up unless they want you to settle and be miserable and most likely end up having an affair with someone and ruining lots of lives. #overlydramatic.

Question 9.

"How do I handle a 'mean girl' at work?"

ANSWER: Constantly stare at her like this and try and kill her with kindness. If that doesn't work, punch her in the tits. If that still doesn't get the point across, hoist her with her own petard. Four-way call her with other girls from work and get her to talk shit on said other girls which leads to a shit storm of hatred toward the bitch. Regina George the shit out of her.