i can't

i haven't "can't-ed" in a while, so this is post is long overdue.

i can't...

take it when people bash Kanye. because here's the thing - yes. he's a raging douche bag as a person. but as an entertainer, he's the ISH. if you've never seen him perform live in concert, you have no room to hate him. go see him put on a show and you will see the light that IS Kanye West. i saw him a few years back at ACL, and was b-l-o-w-n away. i know, i was surprised, too. but he deserves to be as douchey as he wants, because he has the skillz to back it up.

i can't...

handle Kim Kardashian's pregnancy. like, i know she's growing a child in a 5'2 "115 lb" frame (yeah - IN HER BRA), but... THIS:

THESE ARE HER FEET STUFFED INTO HEELS. AND NOT JUST HEELS - PLASTIC, SEE-THROUGH HEELS. WHY. no, really. WHY. what are you trying to prove, Kim? that you're still hot? BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT. YOU ARE PREGNANT AND WITH CHILD. OWN IT. WEAR GODDAMN STRETCH PANTS AND UGG BOOTS AND CHILL THE FUCK OUT. also, the sex tape that made you "famous" SUCKS. YEAH, I WATCHED IT. SO? UNIMPRESSIVE.

i can't...

function when my apartment isn't tidy. but did you know, i don't have OCD? did you know actual OCD is so much more intense and complicated than just enjoying the cleanliness of an apartment and getting upset if your bed isn't made just right? ask Lena Dunham or Julianne Moore.

i can't...

watch most reality TV and haven't been able to for years now. it hit me the other day how legit reality TV used to be: the first ever Survivor, the ORIGINAL Real World series (fucking Seattle? omg. when Stephen slapped Irene?), fuggin' INTERVENTION? now THOSE are quality, reality TV shows. and these people who are like "well, i just watch that shit to turn my brain off and not have to think for a half hour..." yeah but you're opening your brain to stupidity and anxiety and just awful shit. go flip through a magazine or something. or sit in a dark room for 30 minutes. i think those are way better alternatives to witnessing botoxed creatures cry fake tears and fight over scripted conflicts.

i can't...

handle guys at the gym who walk around quietly singing/rapping to themselves, depending on what they're listening to in their headphones. oh, you don't know what i'm talking about? see below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mw4wbGM-nHk

i can't...

understand individuals who don't cuss. it's not "dang." it's not "holy cow." it's not "freaking." it's "DAMMIT!" and "holy shit" and "FUCKING FUCK." my ex-boyfriend used to say "dang" and "holy cow" a lot... my EX-boyfriend.

i can't...

stop spending money when i have none to spend. is this a problem or a commonality amongst most 20somethings/30somethings/poorsomethings? when does it stop? when i get more money? no, that doesn't make any sense. here's me on an average day:

"ughhhh. i'm so poor. this is horrible. i'm never gonna get caught up."

5 minutes later...

"i HAD to buy this dress from urban online. had to. like, i didn't have a choice. also, would you wanna grab a casual dinner but order enough wine to make it cost us a fortune? perfect."

i can't...

handle it when people around me are laughing and i don't know what they're laughing at. i need to know EVERYTHING.

i can't...

understand why Dallas decided to put a Twin Peaks restaurant into our beloved Mockingbird Station. how does that fit? how do pushed-up titties and tiny outfits and orange skin tones and acne-ridden faces fit into what typically is a fun-loving, hipsterish shopping/dining area? don't get me wrong. i love hot wings just like any other red-blooded americans. i even suggested going to Hooters one night with my ex-boyfriend as a fun, dine-in experience and we did. but i don't mix fashion, shopping and cool movie theatres with WHORES. Mockingbird is about to be infiltrated with a whole new breed of human and i. don't. like. it.

i can't...

and won't ever stop loving chipotle. it's been probably 10 years now since i started indulging and it still

tastes

amazing.

now that's why i call unconditional love. except for that one time in college when i could walk to it and did so much too often and ended up with double D boobs. those were the days.

xo,

emma