how to make friends as a 20something

if you came to this blog in order to find out how to make friends as a 20something, you've come to the wrong place. because I HAVE NO IDEA HOW.

Seinfeld said it best (as he does everything):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7JcGYilsuE

yes, i know he's speaking to 30somethings, but it's basically the same shit for 20somethings. amiright or AMIRIGHT? i know i cover a lot on my blog about being single, being attached, being a functioning alcoholic with pretty decent fashion sense, but i don't think we've ever taken the time to sit down and dive deep into one of the worst, most depressing issues as a 20something: friends.

it works like this: you have your high school friends, most of which suck dick (literally and figuratively) and who drop off your radar a year or so into college when you've met new friends. the college friends are the ones that stay with you for a long time. i mean, hell - they've seen you blacked out, vomiting, probably 20-30 pounds heavier than you are right now and crying about sorority drama - THAT'S unconditional friendship love. they loved you when you were a roly poly and they love you still as a slimmer, more put together human (but also slightly hate you for losing that baby fat).

but once you work for a few years in the real world, your college friends start to dwindle. half of them moved to different states and, within a year or two, you both realized you clearly were never that close since neither of you is willing to cough up the time or money to visit the other and catch up. then there are those clans who are filthy rich and have jobs that allow them to meet up in vegas or NYC for the weekend just for a quick reunion to compare how much hotter they've become since graduating (disclaimer: if you fall within this category, you suck so hard and please wire me some of your money so i, too, can have adventures, you silly stupid bitches).

so, by your mid-20s, you're kinda sittin' at home like

what happened to my friends?

it sucks, and i'll tell you why. because, suddenly and seemingly overnight, you wake up and realize all your friends have boyfriends or fiances or, GASP, husbands. it seemed like just yesterday you all were on the same page: young, vibrant, single and ready to mingle (i.e. go to bars together in a small group, sit around and talk shit while getting wasted, then drunken 2am cab rides home). no, maybe every night out didn't end in crazy, erotic stories of hookups and general chaos, but you HAD them there with you and that was all you needed.

don't get me wrong. I STILL LOVE MY FRIENDS SO MUCH (you know who are you). but they know and i know that them not being single is kinda sucky and has put me in an odd position in life. i don't care what anyone says (Oprah, Jennifer Lawrence, Tina Fey, Mindy Kaling, your mom - okay wait. i definitely care about all of them except Oprah), being the only single friend SUCKS. don't deny it. don't try and make it better for me. the bottom line is you have a penis to travel home to at the end of the night and i do not. and as a 26-year-old female currently in this situation, i beg the question:

HOW DO I FIND NEW SINGLE FRIENDS TO BE FUN AND PRETTY AND SINGLE WITH ME?

it's impossible, right? if you really think about it, meeting new friends is almost more awkward than meeting new romantic prospects. and let me clarify: when i say "new friends," i mean LEGIT FRIENDS. not the people who you see out on occasion and you guys become best, drunken friends for that night but know that, in the light of day, you two would never have a fruitful friendship with one another. i'm talking new, meaningful friends who you can go get dinner with one-on-one and are excited about this new relationship in your life. never getting rid of my amazing, best, old friends, but incorporating new, equally as brilliant ladies into the picture, you see.

let's take some wordy time to analyze possible new friend hot zones, shall we?

bars:

do i believe you could meet your husband at a bar? yes. do i believe you could meet your next bosom buddy at a bar? fuck no. the odds of you drunkenly getting hit on OR you getting enough liquid courage to DO the hitting on are 10x higher than the odds of a girl you deem cool-looking wanting to be your friend. and how do you not come off as so creepy in that situation? "hey... uh... you come here a lot? yeah, same. it's kinda lame here. hey so like would you wanna hang out sometime? as friends. like being friends and going to go get a milkshake or something? not a milkshake, though. like a martini. on a patio? and soak up each other's awesomeness? i'm straight, i swear. i just want friends.... oh ok bye...."

work:

this is a trickier one. work romances are one thing - if they work out, it's all "AW SO Y'ALL MET AT WORK? THAT'S SO CUTE." if they don't workout, it's more like "i have to see his douche face every damn day. WHY DID I GO THERE? i'm working in my own personal HELL." as for friends, it can work in your favor but it depends on where you work. if you're surrounded by lawyers or much older people who all have families and children, that's no bueno. if you're surrounded by nice people but can tell that none of y'all are on the same wavelength when it comes to having a good time (i.e. you like to drink full bottles of wine and watch funny movies with friends and they like to shoot heroin and pop molly with friends), that also sucks. it's also kinda crappy when you work in a building where the company is spread throughout several floors. you could be on floor 3, but all the cool, single girls are on floor 5 and how in the WORLD are you supposed to meet the cool floor 5 girls?!?!!!?? on top of all this, you gotta be extra special sure that hanging out with this person outside of the work walls isn't going to look bad to others, start gossip, or be detremential in sort of other way to your job. yeah, it might SEEM like they're awesome and would be fun to drink with, but what's gonna happen if you lose all inhibitions and go balls-to-the-wall in front of them? tread lightly. corona light lightly.

dog parks:

dog parks are so great in general. there's lot of dogs there which means there are lots of owners there which means there's opportunity to chat with new humans on a random tuesday night while you watch your dogs run around and take poops. i haven't given up on the whole dog park thing yet. i've met some very nice people out there - a knowledgable married couple, homeless looking women, and a hot egyptian man who took me on a date, kissed me like a pro but turned out to be a raging prick - but nice people, nonetheless. my dog gives me faith and also needs exercise, therefore i have yet to rule out dog parks as a new friend hot zone.

through other friends:

i guess. but wouldn't you already know them by now? also, in girl world, that shit gets messy. you could very well end up clicking better with this new friend than your friend who introduced the two of you ever did. that would end with your original friend who introduced you two maybe kinda hating you and resenting the fact that HER friend clearly never liked her nearly as much as she already likes you. then it turns into the two of you new friends having to plan secret outings, which means you couldn't take instagram pictures of them so, really, there's no point. on the other hand, you could end up loving all these new friends your friend has introduced you to but, no matter what, you never really feel like an integral part of the group because, let's face it, you were the last one onboard. soooooo.

public social groups:

like running clubs or dog training classes or joining an IMPROV comedy class (which i did do once in a desperate attempt to get back into comedy and decided i was too advanced and since they wouldn't expedite my advancement, i bowed out. TOO BAD). groups can be good, i guess. i'm just not a fan. i'm not a "group" type of girl. groups make me feel obligated and committed which i don't like feeling either of unless it's toward my dog or family or friends or boyf or glass of wine. or queso. you get the picture. look, if you like groups, then i think joining one could be the very best thing to do. seriously. you know the people there are gonna have common interests! it's a shoe-in. just not for me, because i'm difficult.

let me be clear - i don't think it's impossible to make new friends once you've hit a certain age. it's just harder to find much like finding someone to date gets harder as you get older and your friends get older and seem to be moving much quicker at life than you. college provides you the resources needed to gain friendships and weiners for four glorious years. the real world isn't set up as sweetly. here, you have to work for it and do a lot of stumbling around in the dark to find the light. it takes years upon years to form deep, firm friendships that you know aren't going anywhere and have passed the test of time. i think my best piece of advice to myself and to others is to jump on any opportunity you deem worthy enough. maybe an acquaintance invites you out one night - it's not someone you'd normally hang out with, but who knows who you'll meet if you go and what the night will consist of? if you don't at least try and put yourself out there to meet cool new people then, well, you can't even say "i've tried!"

and, for the record, i'd like to point something out about big ass groups of girlfriends who travel in hoards: they're like a multi-colored denim display at GAP. when all of these dazzling colors are stacked on top of each other, it creates a display of color and light and happiness that makes you want to buy every single color you see. you are drawn to the stack. but once you decide on a color and pull it away from it's group, it becomes less appealing. boring. and you can't help but wonder, "maybe i chose the wrong color?" yeah. think about that.

in the meantime, i'll most likely be sitting at home with my dog waiting for something fun to come up. or waiting on all the 20something, singleton girls who read my blog to be all like "OMG TOTES AGREE" and wanna be best friends. either or.

xo,

emma