i can't, volume IDK
I can't... believe how much better my life is when I'm single. Really. I'm not just saying that to be all like "GIRL POWER! SCREW MEN!" I'd like to have regular sex. I'd like to go on pretty frequent outings with a designated male who wants to makeout a lot. I'd like to have a TV/movie watching buddy with a penis. But when I don't have the option of any of these things, my world turns much more smoothly and happily. Instead of spending time stressing over whether he'll call, if I like him more than he likes me, if he'll think my bloated tummy is cute, if he'll want to spend the night, if he won't be a stupid cheapass - I spend time stressing over ME and getting shit done. It's all about my life, my dog, my friends, my family, my career. Good stress, too. Not "did I shave?" stress.
I can't...
understand why I feel the urge to makeout with my dog. Is this normal? When I look into her eyes, I see her soul and I then want to eat her face. Am I a cannibalistic serial killer? Are these warning signs? And, on that note...
I can't...
keep my apartment cleaner than a day anymore. If this is what it's like having a puppy - the strewn about toys, gathering of carpet lint from rough housing, drops of water all over the place from her beard when she's done drinking - I can't even begin to understand what it's like having real human children. And good thing I WON'T until I'm 97.
I can't...
handle girls who go through their boyfriend's phones. Yes, I have friends who have done it. Yes, I've told them that I don't agree or approve (like my say really weighs on them). I just... WHY? If you really think you are going to find something, maybe instead of going through his phone, you should question the relationship as a whole? Or yourself? Why are you so insecure? What are you expecting to find and pick a stupid fight about? I hold steadfast to the ideal that if there IS something to know, you'll find out naturally. Don't go looking for it. It ruins the fun of being able to have a natural, knee jerk reaction. Knee jerk right into his BALLZ, AMIRIGHT?
I can't...
stress enough how fantastic the "None of Your Business" pandora station is. Classics such as "Creep," "Shoop," "Too Close," "Get Ur Freak On" are featured and make you wanna bop around and dirty grind all day long. Next time you're in need of a serious pick me up, plug this station in and get down with your bad self.
I can't...
fall in love with my shower, thus why my visits there are so infrequent. It's not as big as my old one and I don't like my shower head/water pressure. It's lame and bores me. Sorry I'm not sorry. I have no one to apologize to. Scroll up to my first "I can't" on this page for reasoning why.
I can't...
stress enough how incredible NyQuil's new, non-addictive sister ZZZQuil is. It truly helps in getting you to sleep faster and keeping you there longer. The only catch? It is totally addictive and those who say otherwise are in denial.
I can't...
shake this urge to want Dallas to resurrect a legit dance hall. I'm talking 1960s style, hot, sweaty dance hall. Yeah, places like Beauty Bar amnd Slip-Inn are fun but only when you're completely wasted. What we REALLY need is a place that forces you to check your inhibitions at the door and dance as hard as possible until your dress sleeves droop below your shoulders. SWEATY DANCE HALL, Y'ALL.
I can't...
handle the thought of and WON'T be able to survive if Beyonce and Jay-Z ever get a divorce. My last bit of faith in ever-lasting love will be completely smashed to pieces and so will my life in general. They are the world's most intense power couple with talent and badassness for days. If they can't make it, who can? Not me. Not you. Definitely not that one friend of yours with an unfairly amazing husband. WE'RE ALL DOOMED IF B AND HOVA BREAK UP.
I can't...
understand why "Pitch Perfect" felt the need to accentuate and push up Anna Kendrick's breasts in every single outfit she wore, but I guess it is what is. That is, pale boobs are what they are.
I can't...
wait to go to bed every night. This is a high-sign that you're some combination of: boring, old, sad, bored, tired, overtired, boring, old. The few times this past month I've tried to stay up until at least midnight just to prove to myself I still can have not ended well. The day after is like you'll slowly sauntering through a zombie world, only able to speak when it involves food and counting down the hours until you can get back into your bed that night. It's not worth it, you guys. Listen to your old, boring body - if it wants to go to bed at 9pm, RESPECT IT.
I can't...
afford to shop for Spring until at least April, and it's making me morbidly depressed. DAMN YOU, ADULT CHRITMAS! DAMN YOU FOR INSISTING I APPEAR GROWN-UP AND SHOWER MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY IN GIFTS THAT DON'T COST $20. I RUE THE DAY YOU CAME.
I can't...
stop singing lately and the rotating songs are as follows:
Sentimental Heart - She&Him
I Dreamed a Dream - Les Miserables
I Drove All Night - Celine Dion
No. None of these make sense when paired with the other, but then again not much in my brain makes sense 10 times out of 7.
Oh and I can't...
wait to start my first professional writing job as a copy writer for an ad agency in town. Here's to 2013 being the year of the single woman, the year of following your dreams and the year I try my damnedest to not keep any sort of store bought ice cream in the house.
- emma
