love advice, love emma.

I realized this week that I a) haven't posted in too long a while and b) haven't posted a love advice article in longer than too long a while. So, I decided that this week I would a) post and b) the post would be a good ol' fashion love advice article. Because who DOESN'T need advice from a 25-year-old singleton who swears off men then cries silently in the back of her closet when she realizes she's going to be a 35-year-old, completely dried up spinster? For those of you who are new to my blog and have yet to experience a love advice post, allow me to outline what happens here. I find random advice questions that very sad, confused people post on the internets, I post them here, I showcase my initial facial reaction to the question, then I answer the question how I would if someone had ever asked me. In other words, I like myself and my face and I think I could give better advice than Ann Landers or Cosmo or your mom.

Question 1:

I  am 18 and a student.  I recently slept with a guy at work and he has not paid attention to me since.  I have totally fallen for him.

We have known each other since primary school and he always was shy.  Why won't he speak to me, let alone date me?

Aw, mannnnn. Your first ignorant, sexual experience. Listen, it's okay. We all have to give it up in this fashion at least once and be completely shat upon to understand that this is how the world works. You like someone? Good for you. DON'T SLEEP WITH THEM. I don't care how hot he is. I don't care that he whispers sweet nothings in your ear. I don't care that he pays for your movie ticket and holds your hand all throughout. None of these things mean you need to drop trou and offer up your precious, jeweled goods. Let this be your first lesson in that, unless there has been a DTR talk (Define The Relationship), sex does not mean anything except penis going into vagina, people yelling joyfully or keeping creepily silent, and an awkward good-bye. You should never, ever have sex with anyone you actually like. Not unless they claim you're the only one they're sleeping with, you're their significant other or some sort of something has been solidified and established. I mean, of course if you're just looking for some ass and are a stallion in the world of meaningless, casual sex - go for it. But if you have emotions and crush hard, lock that shit UP before you go down.

Question 2:

I've known this guy for about 6 months and he's my best friend. We have a lot of things in common and we just seem to click. There is one problem though, my friend who introduced us has liked him for 4 years.

He pretty much ignores her and spends time with me.  I don't know what to tell her.  We are attracted to each other and we keep sneaking around so she won't see us in town.  I told her that I like him and she was upset.  Is there a easy way to tell her we are becoming a couple?

You do realize that you're already a pretty fucking terrible friend just from keeping this from her, right? That by sneaking around with this douche who probably isn't worth either of y'all's attention and not telling her, you're doing her 10x the disservice of being a good friend than if you were to just be an adult and tell her what's up? My advice? Grow a pair, sit her down and say "Listen. Billy doesn't like you. You have to accept that. I know it sucks, especially because his penis is pretty big and he tastes like butterscotch, but you look pathetic at this point. What? How do I know about his butterscotch aroma and big weiner? Because I'M SCREWING HIM, BITCH." Maybe not that harsh, but somewhere along those forthcoming lines. Billy isn't her property - he's all yours and you need to stop being a bad and weak person and stand up for yourself by telling your friend. Yeah, she may hate you and you guys will never be the same friends again, but at least she won't set your hair on fire and stand outside your apartment ugly crying when she finds out what you've been hiding from her. Don't be daft.

Question 3:

I have been dating a guy over the net.  We are close and even told each other that we loved each other and we both really mean it.  I am almost 16 and he is 18.

Now he won't email me back or even try to find me on the net.  I know he has a steady job but shouldn't he make time for his girlfriend?  Please tell me what to do.

HAVE YOU SEEN CATFISH? THE MOVIE OR TV SHOW? NO? GO WATCH IT FOR YOUR ANSWER.

Question 4:

I am 17. My best friend is a guy I have known for years. In the past two years, we have become very close. Last year he was "in love" with me but I just wanted to be friends. Now I think that I am falling "in love" with him. What should I do?

Go for it. Tell him how you feel. Let it get dramatic. Cry. Beg him to give you another chance. Let him tell you he's lost those feelings and he's a changed 17-year-old man now with different desires. See him in the halls at school and sob-yelp uncontrollably. Write Facebook statuses about setting fire to the rain and him being the only exception to your tainted view of love. Let him make a huge declaration of undying love toward you and admit he was being a fool and trying to protect himself from getting rejected by you again. DO IT ALL. FEEL IT ALL. Because you're 17 and soon you won't have these types of wonderful, melodramatic stories anymore. It'll turn into "Yeah, I don't know. We went on a few dates. It was great. We slept together and I haven't heard from him since." Soak in your young, stupid years. Go for the mother fucking teenage gold. Orgasm from hand-holding (it could happen).

Question 5:

I am living with an unusual, but sweet man. My family does not like him but they really don’t understand him the way I do. He has a temper but he has never hit me. He won’t come in for my family’s parties. He just sits in the car, reads books, and listens to music.

My family mostly ignores him but my sisters want me to leave him so sometimes they go out to the car and bug him and make him angry. Then he screeches off and I have to beg a ride to our apartment or take a cab. It takes me quite a while to calm him down too. I don’t want to give up my family, but I love him.

You terrify me. Your boyfriend terrifies me. Your family terrifies me. Everything about all of this terrifies me to my core. He sits in the car? And reads books? And your family ACTUALLY taunts him? What the hell is going on here? Clearly, your boyfriend has a social disorder (maybe Aspergers?) and your family are sociopathic assholes. I mean, that's the only clarity I see within this situation. I thought my family was dysfunctional, but shit. At least they pretend to like my boyfriends and pay for their dinners and more or less will give any and all of them SOME sort of chance. If your boyfriend's odd enough to literally remove himself from a family gathering and sit alone in the car, your family should be scared enough to stay far away from said car for fear of him snapping and biting them. Your boyfriend isn't right and neither is your family. My advice to you is to realize you may be dating a serial killer, dump him like yesterday and move away from your animalistic family members. And may the odds be ever in your favor.

Question 6:

The woman I am seeing is very neat. Everything in her apartment is in order and immaculate. She immediately washes the dishes after we eat. She doesn’t relax when any thing is out of place. She is intelligent, witty and a good conversationalist. However, she straightening my clothing, sews on my buttons, clips hanging threads, and generally neatens me up too. I have been polite but I like it less and less. I am not sure what to think.

Heyyyyy..... is this every guy I've dated ever??? You guys! Come on! I mean, I know I'm anal, but you didn't need to collaborate and write into an advice column about it! But seriously. What's wrong with an OCD girlfriend?! I clean up. I'm tidy. My place is cozy and always in place. I don't live, breathe, have sex or walk around in filth. HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY BE A BAD THING? Yes, I have trouble sitting still and relaxing if I know food remnants are caking onto my plates in the sink or if my dog's toys are scattered all about my apartment when we're settling down to watch a movie but it's just because I CAN'T HELP IT, OKAY? Plus, I can be laid back sometimes. I mean, I slept on my last boyfriend's disgusting, most likely bed bug ridden bed, with his mattress always exposed and sheets always dirty for three months. I CAN STEP UP TO THE DIRTY PLATE AND SWING. If she's hilarious, pretty, witty AND tidy as all get out, what the hell are you complaining about, you slob? Then again, if she licks her thumb to wipe something off your face or tries to overhaul your man pad with her touches, bitch needs to be brought down a level or two. Boundaries, y'all.

Question 7:

I need to find a husband. I have been looking for a few years and I never get past the three-date stage. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. All I have ever dreamed about is having a husband, home, and children.

No, you know what you need? Hand to the FACE. And a life. And friends. And probably a vibrator? I'll tell you why you're not getting past date #3. Most likely because you're dropping the "M" bomb on date 3, gawking openly at other women's wedding rings in front of the poor man, and sprinkling the following words into your dialogue: time, clock, ticking, babies, wedding, children, husband, home, house, future, ihaventhadsexinareallylongtimesoifiletyouhumpmewillyouproposenexttimewehangout, poodle. I can't help you because you clearly can't help yourself to NOT be so obsessed with being a wife. I bet you have constantly smudged eye makeup and wide eyes. Chew some gum and breathe.

That's all I got in me for this advice session.

Until next time,

- emma