to the... volume 6
to the...
people who overuse garbage disposals. if you just asked yourself "wait, that's a thing?" then you are DEFINITELY one of the over-users. look, you guys. garbage disposals have feelings too. they didn't CHOOSE to have the job they do - to get stuffed full of your shit and grind it all up all the while making some of the most seizure-inducing noises you've heard. treat them with some goddamn respect. it's not a fucking game to see how much of what you can force down their throats. yes - lemons or any type of citrus fruit usually aides in making your sink and kitchen smell happy, BUT NOT AN ENTIRE LEMON. the scraps, people! THE FUCKING SCRAPS. did you really just try to shove an ENTIRE lemon down your sink??? "y'all, i heard candles really make kitchens smell awesome. i'm just gonna shove one down here..." or potato skins??? MY GRANDMA CAUSED THE GREAT DISPOSAL BREAKDOWN THANKSGIVING 2004 WITH THIS MOVE. treat your garbage disposals with kindness. pro-garbage disposals, y'all.
to the...
guys who answer with "miller lite" or "fireman's 4" when asked what their favorite beer is... you will never end up with a cool girl.
to the...
girls who choose the stall directly next to me EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. WHAT is your problem??? what are you doing? why. there are AT LEAST five other stalls in here, so my question is - are you lonely? are you insecure? are you so desperate for any sort of human connection that you come into the bathroom, see it's completely empty EXCEPT FOR my stall and post up right next to me and are creepily running your fingers down the stall wall and breathing heavily? I'M TRYING TO POOP. PLEASE KEEP A BUFFER ZONE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
to the...
the shirelles. why did you have to break up? will you still love me tomorrow?
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inventor of instagram. are you god? i think you might be. because you created my own personal heaven. i know i've written about instagram before, but i just can't get over what a perfect app it is. telling your day through pictures AND captions instead of just captions (aka twitter, aka worthless social media). some weeks on instagram, people hate me and that makes me sad and also makes me question WHY i have over 1000 photos, but then i just take 10 more and forget about it.
to the...
sales associates in any and every retail store. if i need help, I WILL ASK FOR IT. other than that, please just greet me and keep the eye contact to a a minimum unless you see me trying to hold a mountain of clothes and looking around completely helplessly. then, and only then, may you approach me and kindly ask if i need another size or a dressing room. sales associates are just like waiters - there when you don't need them and literally nowhere to be found when you're choking on your salad or actually DO need them to check in the back for something. your timing couldn't be any worse, service industry.
to the...
impending season of SNL. i'm nervous. i'm just being honest with you. i'm really, really nervous for what you're gonna bring to the table. we all know your success is cyclical. it usually takes a new cast a season or two to really get a groove going, then when they're perfect and hilarious and kristen wigg, it ends and they all move on. it kinda makes me question why i keep watching. it's an abusive relationship in a way. treat me like gold for a while then take shits on me and make me question why i'm wasting my time with you. i keep telling my friends you'll come around eventually for good and that these bruises are from falling down my stairs.
to the...
fad of the big, asian, messy bun. IT WAS ABOUT DAMN TIME YOU MAKE IT OKAY FOR ME TO CALL THIS RAT'S NEST ALL TWISTED UP ON TOP OF MY HEAD A FAD.
to the...
katy perry haters. i don't blame you... at all. but there are two things we all need to admit: 1) her breasts. her fucking boobs. 2) I'M WIDE AWAKE AND I'M A FIREWORK.
to the...
parents of this child:
(go here ----->) www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxuWSXwR4Mc
i mean. what do you wonder they're thinking as they watch this happen right before their eyes? like do they know their son is gay? maybe he isn't? do straight guys today remember doing shit like this when they were little? look, i'm all for it. he's cute as shit. i'm actually WATCHING glee! live! as i write this post because i'm 25 and that's normal and shut the fuck up. i'm just seriously curious if it's ignorant or not to automatically assume... yeah. your kid is gay.
to the...
nail salons across america. what did i do? what could possibly be so wrong with me that you start to speak in tongues and giggle the moment after i say anything? my feet aren't gross and i'm just asking you if you'll cut my nails rather than file them because, contrary to your belief, i'm not into this look:
i don't consider my feet weapons with extra daggers added on, so cut them and STOP TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME.
to the...
creators of this cereal:
you win. i love you and this. i recommend it to everyone who loves cinnamon, oats and crunch. but not to people who are super sensitive to lots of fiber because i will NOT be held responsible for you shitting your pants at random.
to the...
work day. HANG ON, I'M JUST WRAPPING UP OVER HERE! all right, guys. i'm out of here.
good day to you all.
- emma
