love advice, love emma. vol 5.

you should know the drill by now: question.

initial facial reaction.

answer.

SADDLE UP AND RIDE.

question 1.

My new boyfriend is very experienced. I’m not jealous of all the girls he’s been with, but I’ve always been really scared of getting an STD. And when I’m with him, I can’t stop worrying about it, even though we practice safe sex. Will he mind if I ask him detailed questions about his past?

wait. so. let me get this straight - your newest sexual endeavor is a man slut who you HAVEN'T HAD CHECKED OUT??? are you high? did you write this question in right after getting hit in the temple? here's the deal - i don't give a FUCK what the guy tells you, YOU GET THAT PENIS CHECKED. and you should  have absolutely no qualms about it either, because we all know that a) condoms SUCK anyway and b) THERE IS NO B. WHY ARE YOU BONING A MYSTERIOUS WEINER THAT MOST VERY LIKELY MIGHT MAYBE HAVE SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT? one time, i legit made a guy get tested. do you see me caring? no. you see a vibrant emma with a clean record of health. ya know what. let's back up for a second. you seem too dense to even be having sex. maybe you should just stop for a while. are you 15? i knew it. get yer head out of yer ass and out of his weenus and SWAB THAT SHIT.

question 2.

I find it hard to climax from intercourse alone, but my boyfriend gets defensive and will not assist me in finishing after he has gotten off. In addition, he hardly ever pays attention to me during foreplay...but loves it when I take care of him. He doesn’t seem to realize that it’s also hurting my feelings, which is making the sex worse. How can I make him less selfish?

aw, baby girl. i don't know how to put this lightly but - you're dating a raging asshole. if i've learned anything thus far in my adventures of dating and love and life, it's that you should never trust a guy who isn't all about you in the bedroom. if pleasuring you isn't their first concern, something is off. men are competitive animals by nature meaning they are in a constant battle with themselves to outdo themselves. it's no different in the bedroom. if they're not essentially beating their chest after getting you off, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. this guy sounds like a selfish prick. i can just see him with his hands behind his greasy head expecting you to do all the work like a bitch. that's some bullsh. you are being a submissive peasant. how about this? during your next bedroom session, as soon as he starts directing traffic his way, fart. just start farting. proceed with your sexual acts toward him, but fart the entire time. loudly.

question 3.

My boyfriend and I sometimes role-play when we have sex. I'm all for it, but lately, I've been bothered because he always wants to pretend that I'm younger than I am (nothing demented, but a legal teenager). Does this mean he has a thing for younger women and will eventually think I'm too old?

HELL NO. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. NO. i can't and i won't and i have nothing to say other than

HELL TO THE NO.

question 4.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost six months now, and we've never had a fight. This may sound crazy but I've tried to get him mad by being bitchy for no real reason, and he never takes the bait. Does it mean that he's not passionate about me?

oh you crazy, crazy girl. i hate this kind of crap. i know too many girls who do it constantly. "ugh, things are just TOO good. i'm gonna start screaming at him about my DVD collection just to shake things up a bit."  here's a wild notion: JUST BE HAPPY THAT Y'ALL AREN'T FIGHTING YET. BECAUSE I PROMISE YOU, THAT DAY WILL COME. AND YOU WILL BE SO MAD YOU STARTED ALL THOSE FIGHTS OVER CHEESE FOR NO REASON BACK IN  THE HONEYMOON PHASE. yes, i understand that it's frustrating when your partner won't even TRY and bicker with you - it shows passion in a really twisted way. however, SIX MONTHS IN? REALLY? try years, honey. soak it up right now, because before you know it, his crazy and your crazy are going to come out full-force and ruin each other's lives. relish in the fact that as this point in y'all's relationship, he's telling his friends "man, she's just so amazing. and chill. and laid back. and no drama." because six more months from now, he's gonna be with those same friends saying "i just needed to come get a drink with you guys. bitch is driving me insane. she started crying the other week about how i don't fold my laundry. CRYING. no, SOBBING. we had to talk about it for 45 minutes while i rubbed her back and then she fell asleep on me and drooled."

question 5.

The other night, my guy called me by the name of another woman while we were in bed. When I got mad, he swore he didn't even know anyone by that name. My friends all have different opinions, so tell me-how big a deal is that?

that's a big ass deal. here's what i want you to do. i want you to go into your kitchen, find the biggest knife you own, and chop his penis off. HA JK, but seriously. i know it's easier said than done, but i highly doubt on a lot of levels if i'd ever be able to dismiss a guy saying someone else's name during sexy time. it raises too many questions and doubts and anger and tears and "what the fuck"s and fist fights and burned down houses and jail time.

question 6.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years, and our sex life has always been bland. I fantasize about other men and situations, and when I’m alone, I look at porn and wish he’d do certain things to me. How can I convince him to?

 hey remember that time i went through this exact same thing? me too. remember when i realized "hey. it's time to break up." ME TOO! sorry, girl, but this just is not how it should be. i mean i know that after a while of being with someone things can get stale and boring, but it's been like this since day 1??? what are you doing? it's been three years - are you seriously still hoping for a complete turnaround? because it's not gonna happen (just like "fetch" isn't going to happen). if it's been bland since the beginning and hasn't gotten miraculously better over the last 1,095 days, you need to cut your losses, BITCH! i remember the first time i started tightly closing my eyes and envisioning someone else on top of me during sex with my boyfriend - it kind of made me sick to my stomach knowing that's what i had to do in order to take my mind off of what was actually happening just inches below me. maybe i'm being too idealistic, but i really don't think that happy and sexually satisified couples have to imagine someone else banging them during their own banging. at least not when you're a measly three years into something. the natural arousal should last AT LEAST until kids. then maybe after you need to reevaluate things. what do i know, though? i'm a virgin. JUST KIDDING. no i'm not. JUST KIDDING. yes i am. JUST KIDDING no, really. i'm not. justkiddingjustkidding...

question 7.

Recently, my boyfriend told me that I never go out of my way for him. But I get him thoughtful cards for no reason, buy him little presents, and do loads of other things all the time. How can I get him to see that and appreciate me?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. WOO! WOOOOO. whew man. i'm sorry. i just. wow. a) is your boyfriend also forcing you to tell people you fell down the stairs to explain your bruises? but moreso, b) WHY ARE YOU THE ONE GETTING HIM LITTLE KNICK KNACKS AND CARDS AND THINGS? what is happening in the world?!?!?!!?!?!?? HE'S complaining YOU don't appreciate HIM enough? what in the what. he sounds controlling and evil and like he may very possibly have a vagina. this is a classic case of role reversal and i don't like it - i don't like it one bit. the girl should be the under-appreciated one, always. AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT.

question 8.

Guys often approach me at bars, and sometimes we really hit it off. But they almost never ask for my number, and the ones who do are never the ones I want to ask for it. What’s my problem?

your problem? your problem is that you're a doofus. THIS IS EVERY GIRL'S PROBLEM, DIDN'T YOU KNOW. it's always the ones you don't want and when it's actually the ones you do want, it's like this:

you aren't doing anything wrong except being a dumbass in your own brain. if you're so tired of guys you are 100% NOT intereseted in approaching you at bars, you have a few options to make it stop: don't make eye contact with anyone except your drink, be a raging bitch to the guys who DO have the balls to approach you, STAY HOME. being hit on by losers, douches, smelly guys, assholes, creeps and men who think they're rico suave is just apart of it all, girlfran. you have to talk to, be a bitch to, ignore and makeout with a lot of horny toads before you find your horny toad who smells pretty good most of the time and knows that, in order to shut you up, he needs to pay you personalized compliments every five minutes and feed you cookies 'n' cream froyo (no? that's just me? all right). if you aren't willing to be hit on by mr. wrongs, YOU IS SHIT OUT OF LUCK and you don't even deserve mr. right becuase you wouldn't be ready for nor appreciate him when he came along. JUST SAYIN.