to the... volume 5

to the... guys with fingernails that are longer than mine. what's wrong with you? are you prepping yourself for a manicure or something? here.

look! it's even in the shape of a car! vroom, vroom - here come the nailclippers to shorten those nails of yours so you stop looking like a lady and clawing vaginas! vrooooooooom!

to the...

people who judge me for how often i post on instagram. here's the deal: I LOVE IT, OKAY? IT'S THE BEST APP EVER CREATED. telling the story of your day through pictures??? OKAY. also, i've always loved taking pictures. so. whatever. people who are on it but rarely post are weirder and I'M judging YOU.

to the...

girls in the office who are dressed to go clubbin'. what is this? is there house music blaring in your head 24/7? how do you get away with this shit? i mean, okay. i've gone braless like twice, but YOU COULDN'T TELL. there's no disguising that mini skirt with those heels. who are you trying to hook up with? the underbelly of your desk? because, trust me honey, it doesn't like what it sees anymore than we do. THIS is my idea of a club outfit:

to the...

mornings. hey, mornings. what's up? you? oh, well. i'm not ready to get up yet and never will be.

to the...

birth parents of kristen wiig. thank you for giving the world the funniest woman to ever be created. and also, thanks for helping me put these sundried tomatoes in this clay bowl.

to the...

myth that vegetables fill you up. how many more times do we have to prove you wrong until you finally just ADMIT you do shit for the pain that is hunger? sure, i can eat an entire bowl of just broccoli, but i'm gonna be hungry AND gassy afterwards. worst of both worlds if you ask me.

to the...

bachelorette. you're 26, but look 32 and your fake boobs are so enormous, your necklaces don't even lay right on your chest. also, you probably should've stuck with sean cause he was your best bet- boring and blonde... JUST LIKE YOU. jef knows where to find me when he's ready for me. you know it and i know it.

to the...

american workforce. please just give us full three day weekends. PLEASE? i would gladly work from 7a-7p every single day if i was ensured to have all of friday off. why can't we rethink our game plan? it's time to shake things up and i don't mean by electing a woman president or some irrational bullshit. i'm talking, just work us for 48 hours every week mon-thurs and let us wreck havoc on society from fri-sun. think about it.

to the...

employees at central market who think they're patrol officers. I'M JUST SMELLING THE COFFEE - I'M NOT TRYING TO STEAL THE BEANS OUT OF THE BIN. BACK OFF.

to the...

pandora stations i choose to listen to while working out. y'all are nasty. just fucking nasty. and I LIKE IT. have you ever really taken the time to LISTEN to what rappers are saying? i'll be the first to admit i never really have - usually i'm too busy bopping to the beat. but, when you're cardioing and all you can really do is focus on the music itself... i mean. it makes my already unattractive workout face contort into this:

all i can say is, NAST TO THE EE.

to the...

younger emma who used to think anytime before 1am was "early." GIRL, YOU CRAY. how did i do that? really, i want to know. because nowadays, if i get to bed any later than 1130p, i am like a crippled old woman the next day who can barely keep her head up straight and wishes she had a cane or a walker to support her around the office. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME.

to the...

last guy i went on a date with. there is such a thing as over usage of "lol" through text. you should probably pull back some on that front. also, WHEN YOU'RE A HALF HOUR LATE, EXPLAIN YOURSELF. see you never again. never.

to the...

future son of mine (son as in dog). you're gonna be so happy in my place. i'm gonna suffocate you with love and tell you all my hopes and dreams and fears until you're so mind-fucked that you would never dream of running away from me or seeking out another owner. isn't that the REAL definition of love? OH the memories we'll make!!!

i hope you look like this:

to the...

KONA grills across the world. i hate every single last one of you. you're worthless and disgusting and you should be so lucky you're still in business. that reverse happy hour is your only saving grace, which isn't saying much, you poor excuse for a restaurant.

to the...

"like" button. you know you're revolutionary, right? you make people feel good about themselves. you create instant gratification and validation. but, you're also a two-face fucker because you can so easily take someone's ego down if you DON'T get clicked. basically, you hold the power to make or break an entire day. just remember this, "like" button: with great power comes great responsibility.

to the...

people who bash starbucks. give it up already. you KNOW you still drink it and enjoy it. you also know you judge a city or town by whether or not they have one accessible to you during your highway road trip. additionally, you'll never feel UNcool with one of its cups in your hand. i can't say the same for dunkin donuts or quiktrip.

to the...

popular nail trend of painting your ring finger a different color than the rest of your nails. OVER IT.