6 Things I've Learned From Moving In With My Partner
Last week, I was laying on the couch in what we call “the blue room” (the walls are painted blue and we spend most of our downtime in there watching Netflix and movies) soaking in my happiness. Our home was freshly professionally cleaned, everything was in its right place, and the house smelled like soup and fall. That’s when it hit me.
“OMG, Zac. We’ve been living together for six months!”
I was and am still in shock that it’s been six whole months since I moved in with Zac. April feels like just yesterday but also two lifetimes ago. I was so nervous about moving in for a few reasons. Yes, because I had never lived with a man before and was anxious about all the unknown I was willingly exposing myself to. And yes, because it meant giving up a decade of living in a 1:1 with nobody but myself to deny or approve vibes, decor, and general house tidiness. I’m not what I would call “good” with big change, so I knew my adjustment period would be a little trying and it was. Only a little, though.
Now that it’s been a solid six months, I’m able to reflect on the process of combining daily lives and ways of living and offer anyone out there some insight about what I’ve learned from moving in with my partner. Whether you already have, are planning to, or want to some day, I hope any of this is helpful.
It’s Okay (and very normal) To Be Anxious AF
This is a big deal. Moving in with your SO should not be taken lightly, although I know plenty of couples who do take it lightly because they’re not nearly as anxious as us. However, if you’re not that type of person and are slightly (or heavily) freaking out about this massive life change, please know that it’s normal. Living with a roommate is one thing; moving in with a girlfriend or boyfriend is entirely another. Not only is there a new level of commitment to, well, commit to, but there are a lot of unknowns.
Let me assure you that “basically living” at your SO’s place while you’re newly dating is very different than literally living there. This is also coming from a girl who has lived on her own since 2010. I’ve gotten quite cozy with complete autonomy and only having myself to blame when chores don’t get done. For over a decade, I’ve done it all on my own: trash, laundry, vacuuming, bed-making, grocery shopping, ALL OF IT. I even take pride in the messes I was able to create during my stint of living alone—the bedroom chair wasn’t going to build itself a small mountain of clothes, was it?!
Let me also assure you, though, that you being anxious about this big step in no way means this person isn’t right for you or this is the wrong move to make (unless, of course, your gut is telling you this is a bad decision then maybe listen to it). Anxiety is just fear of the worst case scenario and all the what-ifs. Your brain is in overtime thinking about everything all at once, which can render you crippled by your own mind (been there only 100,000 times). My best advice is to share your anxieties about moving in with your SO. Let them know you’re in no way doubting your relatipnship, you’re just nervous as fuck. This is what I did with Zac. I also told him a lot of my fears were coming from my own insecurities about being a good housemate. What if I was terrible to live with? What if I realized I’m not built to live with a man and fuck it all up? What if I nag him too much? What if what if what if.
BLENDING YOUR THINGS TAKES TIME
We lived in total chaos for months. If you’re anything like me, that is your worst nightmare—living in chaos. I lived it, guys. I lived it and I’m still here—I’m still breathing. Any time I’ve moved, I am that person who wants to get it all setup in a night. Living amongst boxes and completely unorganized goods strewn about is truly what I think hell is (and I’m not looking forward to it). The great thing is any time I moved before now, I was moving just myself so I could stay up until 3am three nights in a row to ensure I got everything put away. Not the case at all when moving in with Zac.
Not only was I moving all my stuff in, but Zac already had lots of stuff because he’s been living in this house for years now! When I got here, we had three couches, an extra king-size bed, and what felt like 24 accent tables to deal with. We left boxes unboxed and countertops and tabletops completely covered in junk for months. It was the worst, but we were doing all we could. We both work full-time and, even though I work out of the house and could’ve accomplished a lot while Zac was at the office, I didn’t want to organize, decorate, or sort without him here. That was an instinct I had to really fight against daily—the whole not doing a lot to the house while Zac was away just because I had time and could. I wanted every new decor and organizational decision we made to be ours, so I had to be patient and focus on just my stuff (like bathroom drawers, closet, etc) in the meantime. I am not a patient person, so this served as a lesson for me. I’d give myself a B+ looking back on it now.
OBSERVE, THINK IT OVER, THEN SPEAK
This insight is for those of you who are terrified that they’re going to fuck things up because you’ve gotten so used to living on your own and are suffering major self-doubt about if you’re even someone worth living with. That was me. I was so sure that I was going to get into this house and not be able to contain myself with demands, that I was going to let every little thing Zac did differently than me drive me insane. That his tendency to leave his side of the closet a heaping pile of mess or to make his sandwiches on the naked counter with no plate was going to send my anal side into such a tailspin, I wouldn’t last. Guess what? I don’t care. All the little things I had no faith in myself to not implode about, I couldn’t care less about. I’m just as shocked as you, trust me. I was so sure that I was so stiff in my ways and so particular about how a house operates that I would lose my shit and scare Zac off, but here we are.
My advice here if you’re feeling the same way is to just go into the big move with an open mind. Don’t come blazing in with 100 rules—that’s not cute. Take time to settle in while you observe the day-to-day and if something is really grinding your gears, think it through and how you want to approach it first before flying off the handle or, even worse, being super pissy and passive aggressive about it. You’ll be surprised at your own flexibility upon moving in and sharing a home with your SO (unless they’re a filthy piece of shit. Then, godspeed).
ESTABLISH WHO DOES WHAT ASAP
Piggy backing off what I just wrote, I would definitely suggest establishing who does what as quickly as you can to avoid any unnecessary micro aggressions. Of course, this is a team effort so if it makes more sense for you to complete a task that is usually theirs that day, so be it. For example, Zac typically deals with the trash, but if I’m the one creating a bulk of it with my cooking, I deal with it. Speaking of cooking, I do that and Zac literally always washes every single dish. It’s everything I never knew I wanted from a relationship. There is no debate—I cook, he does dishes. However, I actually clean the kitchen after my cooking because no one can wipe down a countertop or stovetop like me.
There are still so many moments where I feel like I could be a better partner and housemate by picking up slack, but I think that’s just a part of it? When you live with someone and respect and love them so much, I think that’s something you’ll always worry about on some level. Like am I doing enough? Ugh, I should’ve done this or that because they didn’t have time to, etc. I’m probably overthinking it like I always do, but I am who I am.
REALIZE IT’S OKAY TO EXIST SEPARATELY, TOGETHER
This is a BIG ONE and didn’t hit me until a few months in. Upon moving in with Zac, I was under the impression that living under the same roof meant we had to spend every single second together while we were both here. Like, in the same room doing the same thing. This is very elementary thinking, I admit. But I’d never done this before so how was I to know?!
At first, it was definitely like that. I was everywhere he was. If I wanted to watch something, he’d watch it with me and vice versa. No one went to bed without the other, etc. Finally I realized it doesn’t have to be that way all the time. It was such a weird adjustment for me because I was used to going it alone. My schedule was entirely my own and I did random things at random times and had my little routines and no one to run them by. So, naturally, I assumed all of that went out the window the day I moved in and we operated as one instead of two individuals. I was very wrong. I’ve had roommates before, so it’s not like I shouldn’t know this, but I think it’s just an entirely different beast when it’s a SO rather than a friend.
Just because you’re now cohabitating together in no way means that you need to be next to each other every second that you’re both home. Yes, it’s really fun when it is like that but sometimes you want to go to bed earlier than they do. Or they’re ready to go to bed, but you’d rather stay up late and watch The Office on your laptop and eat oyster crackers in bed like the good old days when you lived alone, and that’s okay (this literally happened last night and I ended up falling asleep in the guest room). On weekends, you may want to go to the gym right now and he may be in the middle of yard work and says to go on without him. These individual moments when you’re both existing separately together are important and save you from becoming overly co-dependent. I’m sure some of you are reading this, thinking “No duh, Emma” but, like I’ve said, I’M NEW TO THIS. I DIDN’T KNOW, OK? All this leads to me my last insight…
REMEMBER—THIS IS YOUR HOME, TOO
This one probably took the longest for me to accept and settle into, especially considering I was moving into Zac’s house that he has owned for years. We didn’t buy a home together and move into it together. He didn’t move into my place. I just straight up moved into his existing and established home. Although he told me no less than 100 times, “I want this to feel like your house,” it took me probably up until writing this post to truly feel that way. A lot of that is because it’s taken a good six months to redecorate and create our own EZ aesthetic around here, but a lot of it is because, like every other move in your life, it takes time to walk in the door and truly feel that warm, all-encompassing sense of “Ahhh. HOME.”
Once we got our bedroom squared away, our extra couch sold, and the last box of “what the fuck is in this box” dealt with, that’s when it finally clicked for me. Like I said at the top of this post, it was truly that moment last week, laying on the couch and soaking it all in. Sure, I may have a literal pile of clothes on top of the dresser to deal with, Zac may have a literal pile of clothes on the floor of the closet to deal with, he put the carrots on a random shelf in the fridge again instead of in the crisper, and I, once again, left Cece’s turd on our walkway and he stepped into it, but we’re home together and that’s all that matters.
