First—the story behind the feature image of this post. This was after my recent ex’s 120 pound dog, who I was watching for the weekend, had proceeded to diarrhea, pee, and vomit on every carpet and floor in my house for 2 days straight. This was me having a complete sobbing breakdown while trying to not inhale the stench. More on that later. In my book. That I’m gonna write one day.

I love to clean. Seriously—it makes me so happy, but I wasn’t always like this. As a kid, I (like most kids) hated chores and was labeled the “lazy”* child early-on. But something changed when I moved out of my parents house and into my own dorm room and subsequent apartments. Having a space of my own whose cleanliness I was solely responsible for was a whole new ball game and, suddenly, I was an MVP.

*”Lazy” under Ellen’s rule was not picking up a piece of lint off the carpet, and if you think I’m being dramatic, ask my sister.

Over the years, I’d like to think I’ve perfected my tidy tendencies but of course I’m always open to new products and ideas. And before anyone reading this starts in on me—no, the products I use are not all “clean” or “green” or whathaveyou. I would say I’m open to making the switch but I’m also very attached to my cleaning products, so it would be a frustrating, uphill battle for you to try and convince me at this juncture and, for that, I apologize in advance.

HOWEVER, I hope all that doesn’t take away from the cleaning tools and products I’m about to share with you guys. These are the things that keep my home looking and feeling fresh to death and have for a long time, so let’s slip on our rubber dishwashing gloves and get right down to it, shall we?

Windex (with vinegar)

This is, hands down, my favorite all-purpose cleaner. The added vinegar gives its cleaning abilities that extra umph, really making your countertops, tabletops, toilet seats, and any other top in your vicinity shine. It’s better than the blue Windex because that shit is gross and, unlike so many, I don’t really like the really yummy smelling, clean, fancy all-purpose cleaners. This stuff is straightforward, no scent, and gets the job DONE, son.

Mr. Clean Magic Erasers

If you don’t have these and use them often, what are you doing? I have no idea how these things do what they do—truly, I’m at a loss. And it’s like, I know I could Google it to find out what makes them magic, but I’d rather keep the mystery and keep being shocked at how well they work. I mostly use them around my kitchen to get rid of splishes and splashes on cabinets, oven doors, etc. But they legitimately clean… everything? There hasn’t been a surface or object these magic erasers have met that they haven’t bettered yet. AND, this summer, I was introduced to Mr. Clean Magic Eraser SHEETS—nah. I about died and went to heaven, guys.

Dawn Dish Soap

Basic as fuck, but for good reason—IT’S THE MIRACLE CLEANER OF ALL THINGS. I of course use it as my regular dish soap, but mixing it with water and maybe one other cleaning solvent has saved me from many awful situations, such as: spilled wine all over a fabric chair (3 parts hydrogen peroxide + 1 part Dawn), dog shit/piss/vomit stains (1 cup hydrogen peroxide + 3 TBSP baking soda + 1 squirt of Dawn into a spray bottle), massive amounts of oil splashes on the stovetop from cooking (Dawn + hot water + a legit scrub brush). The list goes on. I love you, Dawn.

Scrubbing Bubbles Toilet Cleaning Stamps

Wouldn’t it be grand if, any time you or a guest peed or poo’ed, the smell was almost instantly masked by a mysteriously fresh scent? And I’m not talking about Poopouri (although, it’s great stuff). I’m talking about this amazing invention from Scrubbing Bubbles. They’re these little sticky gel tablets you press on to the inside of your toilet bowl (with an applicator, not your hand) and forget all about until you flush and a wave of fresh creeps up from your under carriage. They’re truly delightful, super easy to apply, and keep my stank and my guests’ at bay (for the most part).

Invisible Glass cleaner

My sister made me get this for my car, but it also works wonders for mirrors of all shapes and sizes AND for glass stove tops. For real — when I don’t feel like doing the whole Dawn + water thing for my dirty ass stove, I spray this stuff all over it and it’s like new! EXPERT TIP THO: Use microfiber towels with this stuff. They work 100x better than a paper towel or random rag. Trust.

Swiffer Sweeper

I mean. I feel silly even listing this because who doesn’t have a Swiffer Sweeper, but at the off chance you don’t, get one? This beautiful contraption has been a staple in my cleaning arsenal for years. And years. And years. I don’t fuck with the wet pads (I have another system for that I’ll share in a second), but the dry pads are lifesavers. I actually use them separate from the mop to dust my house down. I have a Swiffer Duster but I always forget I have it and never use it unless I’m cleaning fan blades, so shrug.

The Shark vacuum

For my 27th birthday, I asked for a Shark vacuum. And on my 27th birthday, I found one secretly stashed in my closet behind all my clothes as a birthday surprise. Yes—my dad snuck over during the day to leave this gift for me. HAPPY 27TH TO ME! It’s been 5 years and I still use and love this Shark vacuum. It has carpet and hardwood settings and is very easy to empty out. It’s held up all these years because it doesn’t suck (GET IT?). And speaking of things sucking…

A Dustbuster

I grew up with dustbusters (weirdest sentence I’ve ever written). Ellen LOVED them so I, in turn, also LOVE them. I don’t always want to go through the hoopla of attaching that angled nozzle to my vacuum to get those hard-to-reach places, and a dustbuster takes care of that. Plus, because it’s not at all involved to use, you can dustbust your shit every day if you feel so inclined. I have this one by BLACK+DECKER and love it.

Bona Cleaning Kit

Ya know how I said I don’t use the wet Swiffer pads? It’s because I use this shit. Bona (which is SO fun to say in an Australian accent and 100% sounds like boner, but if you were an Aussie) is it. The blue bottle is for hardwoods and the green is for tile, which I’ve never had until my new place and WOW—my bathroom has never been so shiny and clean. Just wash the microfiber pad after you have a cleaning session, and you’re good to go with Bona.

Bon Ami

Bon Ami is a mystery to me. I’m still unclear as to WTF it even is, I just know I started using it years ago to clean my stainless steel pots and pans, then realized it also works wonders on stainless steel sinks and the rest is history. It cleans that shit like a dream. Just wet it a bit, sprinkle Bon Ami, wait a few minutes, then scrub it with a scrubber and you’ve got yourself shiny steel.

Well, my inner OCD clean freak is satisfied, is yours? Let me know if you found this list of products helpful and, like I said, I’m open to suggestions about new stuff but don’t get frustrated if I don’t take you up on it. I’m stubborn, but at least I know it.

xox,