Extremely Last Minute Gift Ideas

Christmas is 10 days away (Hanukkah is 9, but meh) (Seriously. I know I'm Jewish, but I haven't received a present during the eight holy nights since I was about 11 or 12. That's probably because I come from a twisted household full of Jewish blood that puts way more emphasis on recognizing the Christian holiday [sans tree], but that's another story for a different time). So, what do you have to show for it? Have you still not gotten your shopping done (shame 🔔.... shame 🔔.... shame 🔔)? WTF have you been doing the past few weeks of December? Unless you have an Amazon Prime account (which, if you don't — again, WTF are you doing with your life?), you're pretty much SOL at this point for banking on Internet orders getting dropped by your front door or office receptionist's desk in time for the holiday. You've, once again, failed to plan and failing to plan is planning to fail (stick that in your high school English teacher's whiteboard and smoke it).

But, no fear because I've done the leg work for you by compiling this small and somewhat uncreative yet helpful list of super last minute ideas even your ill-planned ass can most likely pull off.

Alcohol.

Not just any alcohol, though. Don't you dare regift that one bottle of no-name, where-the-fuck-did-this-even-come-from bottle of red blend. That bottle is yours to one day remember and drink in an act of desperation and not enjoy at all because holy fuck this is so dry and old all at once. Whoever you're gifting, you most likely know their alcohol preferences (if you don't, you maybe shouldn't even be gifting them. Something to think about). Therefore, take those preferences and turn them into a thoughtful liquid offering for their enjoyment. Example: if your friend is a baller and likes whiskey, you should not only move this friend into the upper rankings of friendship, but grab them a bottle of legit bourbon (Bulleit is where it's at), some simple syrup, and some Angostura bitters to make an Old Fashioned care package. Why not also throw in some tumblers for them, too? Like these on sale AF ones I picked up at Target last weekend. Same idea for Moscow Mules or Lemon Drops or what have you. Drink ingredients and glassware out of which to drink too many of these drinks = a legit Christmas gift. Whatever you do, stay far away from the meaningless bottles of wine (unless it's a coworker).

2. Massage or nail salon gift cards.

I know. It seems so... impersonal. But, truly — it isn't. If you know for a fact that this friend or relative loves a rub down or getting their cuticles professionally pushed back while they try to make broken conversation with the nail tech, TREAT THEM! Why not? These activities are luxuries and typically the first to go when someone is trying to budget better (i.e. "Guess I'll be doing my own nails for the foreseeable future"). The trick here is to treat them to the salon or massage place they love most. Don't buy them a gift card based on what's closest for you to pop into (douche). Go out of your way to visit that one salon or massage parlor they love to grab them a gift card. They'll massively appreciate the effort. Trust. For my Dallasites — if you're not sure what nail place or massage palace they like to frequent, MiniLuxe (that just opened off Oak Lawn) and Sole Therapy (a wonderfully sketchy walk-in massage place where you can get 30 min for $30) are treats for anyone.

3. A candle.

No, but like — a really fucking nice candle. Not a 3-wicker from BBW (albeit, those are simply the best, and I guess if you buy them three or something, that's ok). Buy them a candle they're too rational and fiscally-thoughtful to ever buy for themselves. These particular candles have actually earned themselves a categorical name: "Luxury Candles." Some examples of these over-the-top towers of smell are: LAFCO, Jo Malone, Diptyque, and NEST. For my Dallas homies, if you haven't visited the candle store Society (essentially feels like something straight out of Diagon Alley or somewhere equally as magical and cozy), do so. It's your absolute best bet for finding pricey yet powerfully seductive candles. Plus, they have cute little doodads to go along with the candles, like long-stem matches, flame snuffers, and wick trimmers. So you can spend more than you planned to, which is always great!

4. Spotify.

This is specifically for a significant other or sibling or parent or like really, really good friend you love every much. If any of the aforementioned still refuse to pay $10/month for Spotify because they're stubborn, non-sensical, cheap asses, create an account for them and give them the gift of unlimited music every month until you decide you're done doling out that money you could be investing at Chipotle instead. It's a sweet gesture and, if it's an older recipient, be sure to set it up the app for them via mobile or desktop and BE PATIENT ABOUT IT. Old people take a second to learn, asshole.

5. WINC.

I've written about WINC before (formerly known as Club W), but here I am talking about it again because it's a genius idea for last-minute gift giving. No, you don't have to buy someone a membership — that's a bit much unless you have those sort of funds and then, BY ALL MEANS. They have gift cards available starting at $60 (about the price of one box, but I'm sure with discounts, that $60 will get them a box and a half or something IDK), so you can be like "Here. Here's your chance to choose four wines whose labels look pretty fun and all taste pretty similar but good nonetheless! Also, each box comes with menu cards! So, that's fun. Ok. Happy Holidays. Bye!" And, if you find that you're interested in trying this delightful wine club yourself, use this link: Hi, click me. THX.

6. Some vinyls.

I mean, why not? Whoever you're buying for, you probably have a solid idea of what kind of music they like. So get your ass to a record store (I'm sure your town has one — it's too hip not to have right now), and take a half hour to rummage through. Of course, make sure you know they have a record player before you embark on this respectively hipster journey. That would be really embarrassing if you just showed up with all these cool records but they didn't have anything on which to play them and you're both standing there like.... ...... "Oh. Well. It was too expensive to buy an actual record player for you, but. Whenever you get around to getting one? Here?" Also, you can sign someone up for Vinyl Me, Please if that's more your style. THERE ARE OPTIONS, GUYS.

7. An Open Table gift card.

Genius, I know. TREAT THEM TO A MEAL THAT YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO ATTEND! However, HEED THIS: DO NOT give this to a boyfriend or girlfriend. Don't do it. I'll smack you. This is strictly for parents, grandparents, a couple you actually love who don't make you question how people even stay together, etc. It's been proven that people who spend money on experiences rather than things are happier, so why not facilitate that by "treating" your friend to a meal, via Open Table so they can go anywhere they want, whenever they feel like it, with whoever they want? Pretty smart if you ask which you didn't but you're reading this, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Again, not a very creative list, but helpful nonethe. At least I think so. If you don't, I hope you get nothing but straight coal in your stocking this Christmas, heathen.

xox,