18 Thoughts We All Wish Were True

Life isn't fair. I think by this point in time we all know this to be true in one way or another. Whether you're outraged at how much effort it takes to go to a job every day that doesn't pay enough, you just got ghosted for the umpteenth time by another royal douche, or your just spilled your entire $50 cappuccino on your white blouse before you even got a chance to have one sip, you've more than likely had a moment wherein you're all, "SERIOUSLY. FUCK THIS." Yesterday, while I sat hovered over a plate of deliciously warm queso and chips shoveling the crack into my face, I jokingly exclaimed, "Ugh! Queso is SO gross." Because wouldn't life be so much better if that were true? If all the things that were "bad" for us tasted, felt, and looked like garbage? This post is a creative effort in trying to bring myself and you all into that world — a world in which right is left, up is down, and sprinkles are just ugly, depressing ice cream toppings that bring no joy to anyone ever. Come. Come with me on this delusional journey into this upside down but oh so right world of thoughts I wish were true... 

Pizza is foul. It tastes like straight cardboard trying to disguise itself with disgusting red sauce and offensive, rich cheeses. And don't even get me started on when people DIP IT IN RANCH? Like, oh yeah — I love cream-based dressings full of green onions and other abominable ingredients. Ugh ew.

Oh, and speaking of ranch... Can we talk about wings for a second? I'm sorry. CHICKEN WINGS? THAT YOU EAT WITH YOUR HANDS? THAT ARE COVERED IN SAUCE? GROSS. They're messy, they barely have any flavor, and typically end with stains all over your clothes and in your hair. Their only saving grace are the carrot and celery sides. Other than that though, no thanks.

Makeup is so dumb. Not only does it not make me feel any prettier whatsoever, it's boring to play with. It doesn't cover up any blemishes, give me more color, or make me feel fiercer. In fact, I wear it as punishment. It's so cheap, too. Like why would I want to put any sort of trust into cheap as dirt product? It's probably horribly made and terrible quality. Oh and lipstick is the devil. Oh cool! You want to add color to my otherwise washed out and sometimes chapped lips? NO THANKS. FUCK OFF.

Clothes are also so fucking stupid. Who gives a shit if things fit or not? Just put something on and live your life, ya know? I don't care if it's cute, fashionable, on trend, fun, pretty, WHATEVER. IT DOESN'T MATTER. Clothes don't make me feel better about myself. They don't change my attitude, my confidence, nothing. They're pointless and most of them are ugly. I have literally zero desire to spend my hard earned money on any of it, to throw buckets of money at things I'll love for a few months then never wear again. How dumb do you have to be? Just keep the same shit and wear it until it's overrun with holes. That's my motto.

Also, music is so annoying. A-👏🏻-NNOY👏🏻-ING👏🏻

Don't even get me started on sex AKA the dumbest, worst shit EVER. It's like, what are we even doing here? This doesn't feel good for anyone. It's boring, it's pointless, it doesn't feel like anything but time-consuming and a waste of energy. Kissing? Ew. Making out? Um, no. Fondling?? Ugh. ORAL??? ARE YOU HIGH? OMG STOP. It's all a necessary evil to procreate, I guess, but it's hardly ever enjoyable or worth it. I don't need it; I tolerate it at best. Once every few years would be FINE👏🏻BY👏🏻ME👏🏻

Netflix originals suck. I don't have time to binge watch 100 episodes of a show. I have a life and things to do, places to go, people to see. The fact that people are somehow that lame that they can post up on a couch for an entire weekend watching episode after episode is sad. I feel bad for them. They need to get out more. Netflix has never asked if I'm still watching because it knows I'm not. Ever.

Alcohol tastes disgusting and does absolutely nothing for my social scene. Who needs alcohol to feel "normal" at a party or bar or dinner? All it does is take away from the situation at hand. It doesn't make food taste better, that's for damn sure. It doesn't make people funnier or prettier or easier to approach. It doesn't serve as an excuse to stop work early to gather and consume it. It's not there for you on sad, lonely nights full of ugly cryings. Beer is smelly, vodka does nothing for me, whiskey is foul, and don't even get me started on wine — the #1 offender. Wine not only tastes horrendous, but makes you feel like a dork when you buy it or drink it AND feel so unattractive and not at all sexy. Ugh, it's so so so stupid. 

Getting to the gym is easy. It's like the simplest act anyone can ever do. It's almost too easy, therefore bores me. There's no sort of motivation or catalyst that propels you there — everyone is just born with a natural draw to exercise and often. It doesn't take any sort of commitment or extra effort — you just get up, go, place yourself smack in the middle of the gym floor (where else would you exercise?), lift a lot of weight (because it's easy to do), do 100 push-ups (again, simple), and you're fit and thin forever. No excuses.

Sleep is dumb. I'll sleep when I'm dead. I can't wait to get out of my bed every morning — I basically sprint out of it. I've actually taken the snooze feature off my phone because who needs it? Pillows, blankets, and warmth are overrated and easy to give up for a full day of life ahead of you! Come on now! 

Extra thoughts:

The internet is boring and useless. I would be completely fine without it.

Folding and putting away laundry is honestly my favorite past time and a pure joy.

Chipotle burritos are way too filling. I can never finish a whole one and, besides that, they taste "meh" at best.

Texting a new love interest is pointless and so much work. When I see my phone go off with a text from them, I roll my eyes so hard they get stuck in my brain. Leave me alone.

I love running and cardio in general. It's so easy to build up stamina and anyone can do it.

Comparison is the thief of joy, which is why I literally never compare myself to anyone. Especially not popular sex symbols or no-names on Instagram.

Condoms are incredible and sex (which, I already stated is the worst) actually feels okay for once if you use one. 

BIKINI AND JEAN SHOPPING IS SO FUN. 

IF ONLY ALL THIS RUNG TRUE, IMAGINE WHAT A HAPPIER, HEALTHIER, LESS STD-RIDDEN, FITTER, CALMER, MORE INVOLVED WORLD THIS WOULD BE.

xox,