I Can't, Vol. 46
Happy Monday (is there such a thing?)! (That's my opening line for any email I send on Mondays. It's so corny, and I love it). Speaking of corn...
I can't...
with candy corn. It's truly the devil's candy. Don't get me wrong; I'll eat it. But I won't seek it out. I'll fucks with it for about three or four pieces, then remember how it does nothing for me and be pissed I wasted my time putting it in my mouth. This entire collection of thoughts was riddled with that's what he/she said opportunities, but I'll let you figure them out for yourself.
I can't...
understand why Oreos wouldn't package their Pumpkin Spice flavor the same as they package all their other flavors. I probably just got the one package like this, but mine has no resealing option. You just crack it open like just another bag of cookies and struggle to find a way to keep them fresh once you're done eating your personally allotted amount. Why is this? Why. Is Oreos trying to make me eat more in fear of them all going stale? Are you all secretly laughing in your cozy corner offices as I attempt to close the package of crack with scotch tape? Was this a conscious decision they made in hopes of encouraging the consumer to eat SLEEVES at a time in order to keep them coming back for more and more packages? Because if so, it's working.
I can't...
figure out where the blade for my blender went, and if you follow me on Snapchat, you more than likely heard me rant about this just last night (unless you haven't gotten around to watching it yet or did but without sound because you're like that or you "follow" me but sometimes choose to not watch my story for the day. I get it. I do the same). Last week, I made a delicious dinner on Monday night involving pork loin, roasted sweet potatoes, and cauliflower mash. I used my trusty, amazing Ninja Master Prep to blend up the cauli, butter, garlic, and seasonings, enjoyed my dinner, and thoroughly cleaned my kitchen afterwards because my OCD tendencies don't allow for kitchen messes to sit for more than 45 minutes to an hour. Ever since, I haven't been able to find THE GD BLADE FOR MY NINJA. HOW? Literally HOW does one misplace a larger, sharp AF piece in one's own home? I have searched high, low, in the dishwasher, in random cabinets, under the sink. I asked my friend who ate with me that night if she hid it to fuck with me. It's gone. The only viable answer to this mystery is that, in my cleaning frenzy that night, I threw it away on accident. Like just did a broad sweep of my entire kitchen counter and dumped everything into the trashcan. Who knows. It was debate night and I had been drinking wine, so anything's possible. However, this conundrum will very likely be the cause of my insomnia going forward.
I can't...
believe how hard this video bombed on Instagram last night. Six likes in two hours? COME ON, GUYS. When that kinda shit happens, I don't know if people truly don't like it or are just being passive, lazy lurkers who can't be bothered to turn the volume on to hear the hilarity. But regardless, my mom's reaction at the very end was gold so here it is again. LISTEN:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5gy41hZfDA
I can't...
with AT&T Internet. I just can't. It's the literal fucking worst, and the fact that they "own" the area in which I live and I have no choice but to use them for my Internet needs makes me IRATE. I feel like a GD prisoner, trapped in their shitty, rundown, smelly jail. I live in an average-size 1/1, have ONE computer, ONE TV, and ONE phone yet you get past my kitchen, and you enter the dead zone. Laying in bed and refreshing my social media feeds like an empty zombie is obsolete unless you switch to LTE. WHY THE FUCK AM I HAVING TO SWITCH OFF WIFI IN MY OWN GD MF HOUSE? Why am I forced to switch to LTE to aimlessly scroll through all the memes ever made? Why did I just have to drop $30 on an extended router to resuscitate my dead zone back to life? It's utter bullshit. You're the worst, AT&T and no one likes you.
I can't...
make you understand how incredible almond milk creamer is for your coffee. You just have to trust me and buy some. I didn't mean for this to happen, truly. It was an innocent trip to Target (no such thing) to grab a few groceries. I was looking for regular, ole almond milk when I saw it: hazelnut flavored almond milk creamer by Silk. I audibly gasped, confusing the Target employees surrounding the area. Something in my gut told me this creamer was what I've been looking for my entire life, so when I got home, I made a 3pm pot of coffee to test it out and BOY WAS I RIGHT. I saw God, fam. It's like what I've always wanted coffee to taste like my entire life, but was settling for less because I didn't know any better. If you like almond milk and hazelnut and coffee, please just do this. For me.
I can't...
imagine having a family to clean up after because it's already so difficult with just myself, and this is how I know I may be ready to meet my person, but I'm sure as hell not ready to pop a person out of my body to take care of. No matter how much of my laundry I do, it's never done. There's always something in the dryer or hanging to dry or needing to be put away. There are always clothes randomly strewn about my bedroom that need placement. The kitchen stays clean for maybe half a day and even then, something is usually needing to be cleaned in the sink or just out of place in general. The trash always needs to be taken out (literally, how much shit can one girl have to throw away? Apparently enough to fill up two trash bags a week). Something always needs to vacuuming. My mail is never truly sorted. My bathroom mirror stays un-splashed for 12 hours a day, no more no less. I just. IT'S SO MUCH. HOW DO PEOPLE WITH A SIGNIFICANT OTHER AND KIDS DO IT? I CAN'T.
I can't...
with this throwback to falls in Connecticut (we lived there until I was 10, you didn't know?). So northeast right now.
Have a solid week. Make it count. Don't give up. Keep your head in the game. Stay strong. Don't be dumb. Be smart. Attempt to make solid choices. Forgive yourself if you don't. Eat a burger. Pick your nose.
xox,
