I Can't, Vol. 43
Whoa, y'all. Whoa. I know I always say this, but it's truly been a hot, long minute. However, I went through a breakup in July and albeit we were only together for two months, those were an involved two months so it stung. I needed time to not be funny on here, so I gave myself that. But now I'm back WITH A VENGEANCE and ready to rant about things I just can't.
I can't...
wait to stop focusing on my damn gums. As you might know, I got gum graft surgery in July and today marks a month post-op. It's been fine for the most part, but having to be so mindful of what's going in my mouth has sucked balls (something that I definitely haven't been able to do in the last month). In another month, I can bite into a burger or thick Italian sandwich with abandon. I can go back to my normal dental hygiene routine, crunch down on a chip loaded with queso, and most definitely S a D. CAN'T WAIT.
I can't...
sell-in the Trader Joe's Peppercorn-Garlic Pork Tenderloin enough. Yes, I am a Jew but it's more so culturally than religiously (i.e. I fret, I worry, I have extreme neurotic tendencies, I love musicals), so I will get down with pork from time to time. My best friend has been making this particular hunk of meat for her husband for a while, and I finally decided to try it out for myself last night and O.M.F.G. Not only is it magically delicious, it's also easy AF to cook. The possibilities with this pork are endless. You can: serve it with sweet potatoes or a cauliflower mash, throw it on a salad, put it on bread, Netflix and chill with it, invite it over for drinks, take it to a movie, introduce it your parents. AMAZING.
I can't...
help but wonder about a guy I went on a few dates with years ago who has had a very serious girlfriend for some time now, but was one of the worst kissers I've ever experienced. Like, I just wonder if she fixed that? Or maybe she's bad too? Or she just accepted it and deals with it on the daily? These are the things that keep me up at night.
I can't...
with the dream I had last night. It involved a work outing that was an annual thing, but all my best friends were there. And the outing consisted of basically doing every drug under the sun throughout the entire day and just seeing what happened. So kind of like a Fear and Loathing situation, I guess. A Christmas-themed party was involved, and mangled cars, and people vomiting, and bridges with water. Seriously, weaning off sleep medication is a real bitch.
I can't...
that I saw my ex on Bumble (for the 3 seconds I decided to sign back up before promptly deleting my account) describing himself as a "generally nice" person... Just. Ok.
I can't...
imagine how incredible a Gilmore girls trivia night could be if done right. Wait, yes I can imagine it. Miss Patty's Punch as the main cocktail, gin martinis, red vines galore, pizza, Chinese food, biscotti, burgers, fries, broccoli tarts, Norman Mailer iced tea, whatever's on special from Al's Pancake World, and coffee. So much fucking coffee. If anyone hears of a GG trivia night in Dallas, PLEASE TELL ME. It would almost be as amazing an experience as the Seinfeld trivia night I participated in years ago. Almost.
I can't...
decide whether or not I truly love my phone case. It's one of those that holds your credit cards in the back of it, which results in you not having to carry a big purse around at all times therefore making you feel like a low maintenance, chill chick. But also, if I ever lose my phone, I lose my license and main credit card. So, that's something to think about.
I can't...
stress how good Jessi Klein's book is. Jessi is a comedy writer (most known for working on Amy Schumer's show and being her good friend). She's Jewish (duh), brunette (duh), real cute (duh), blunt as hell (duh), and fuggin' hilarious (duh). I don't typically love non-fiction books, but I devoured Jessi's. In fact, I have one chapter left and am so unhinged about the book ending that I purposely haven't read it yet. She's just... so relatable and so funny and her recounts of 20-something and early 30-something struggles with men and life give ME life. She got married at 38 and had a baby at almost 40, so obviously I'm over here like "THERE IS HOPE YET!" Buy it and read it (the picture is a link, so click it!).
I can't...
love Club W anymore if I tried. It's so reasonably priced, and the fact that you get to CHOOSE your wines each month is a treat. Yeah, they already have four lined up for you, but you're more than welcome to go in and switch things out if you like the sound of a different wine more (or, let's be real, if you spot a label that's way cuter). Also, it helps transform you into one of those seemingly "put together" adult women who always have wine at the ready in their home, which is a fun pretend game to play. One of my favorite fashion and style ladies loves it, too and has a discount code you can use for your first month! Just hit the hyperlink and use the code "shejustknows." Also, follow her on Instagram and shit. She's so cool and pretty and her and her boyfriend are goals AF.
I can't...
with this.
I can't...
wait for fall. I know I write about this at the same time every year — I'm so predictable. But for real, this summer's heat was so brutal, I question whether or not it aided in my unsuccessful summer dating trysts. Meaning, the amount of sweat I produced throughout June to now was so offensive, perhaps my pheromones were out of whack? I wouldn't be surprised, honestly. I just need fall to get here so I can be adorable in layers and booties and smell like my normal self and have completely healed gums and S some D! AMIRIGHT? HOO HOO! But seriously. Mama needs to sport some jeans and a light sweater before she sets her entire summer wardrobe aflame and walks away from it while it burns in the background as she smirks and takes a swig out of a flask. Then farts.
xo,
