I Can't

It seems like the majority of you were entertained by my "I Can't" video blog from last week. This pleases me. However, I wouldn't be so quick to abandon the writing ship for good. You guys fell in love with me for who my writing is, and we can't forget that. That's not to say I won't be making more VLOGS (you must say that out loud in a dramatic, waspy voice), but just not every week. Gotta stay true to the roots that is my writing.

That being said:

I can't...

with the bagels at Starbucks being labeled "New York Style Bagels." Oh? Are they? I haven't been back to New York since before I got my first period, but I know this much: those are NOT New York bagels. First of all, the multi-grain tastes like actual cardboard with hints of dry cat poop tossed in. Secondly, it's like you wanted to hurt me personally by teasing me with an Everything bagel then being like "oh and side note: it also has a cheese situation embedded into the bread." A cheesy Everything bagel? Your bagels are a joke, Starbucks. You're just lucky I love the Blonde drip so damn much.

I can't...

handle the shape of my apartment currently. Ya know that in-between stage when you're starting to pack for a move, but like not really packing, but like there are countless empty boxes waiting to be filled that just loiter outside your kitchen like common-day teen punks, smokin' cigs and laughing obnoxiously? This apartment that I have loved so dearly for almost four years has turned ugly to me. I want out and I want out, like, yesterday. With all my tchotchkes (that's CHOCH-SKEES) packed up, my apartment has been robbed of any personality or life. If I didn't know any better, I'd assume a dementor rolled in here and did some serious soul-sucking.

I can't...

with this damn pet airline carrier that I have to forcibly shove my Cece into every night up until we leave for our weekend trip this Thursday. I mean, would you look at her?

She refuses to lay down in there, so she just sits up against the mesh like that, whimpering softly and sometimes licking the material in her lowest moments. Baby girl does NOT know what's coming. I even tried feeding her cheese and she wasn't having it. CHEESE! SHE REFUSED CHEESE! Ugh.

I can't...

with Dallas weather anymore. I know it's posted and spoken about so much, but it's because we're all upset by it. It just needs to decide one way or the other. I don't like being on the fence with it. Either be cold or be hot, but don't be both within two days of each other. My wardrobe is confused. My body is confused. And, most of all, my hair is confused.

I can't...

get out of bed in the mornings, y'all. Is it normal for the entire "getting up" process to become this difficult the older you get? It's not like I've ever bounded out of bed like an asshole, singing songs to birds and gaily sifting through my closet for that day's #OOTD. My mornings have never once reflected that of a Disney movie morning. But I've noticed lately how bad it's gotten, and that sometimes I'm really worried I may honestly not get out of bed. It also doesn't help when I wake up with an 11-pound ball of fur nuzzled ever-so-quietly into my nest of hair. I have never nor will ever be a morning person.

I can't...

figure out my damn water to coffee grounds ratio at home. I had it for a while then, suddenly, I get a new brand of coffee to enjoy and it's like "WRONG. But here's some tasty watercoffee." There is nothing worse than starting your day with a terrible cup of watercoffee. Nothing.

I can't...

get over this one-liner delivered by Tina Fey during Sunday's Golden Globes:

"Like a supermodel's vagina, let's all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio."

Tina, you are one of my many female comedian sunshines. Also, she looked so incredible. Can we talk about that? I mean DAMN, Tina. Dayum.

I can't...

with Mindy Kaling in general. The fact that she's so cool, so funny, so talented, and so confident in not giving a shit. She didn't scoff at Elle magazine using every other celebrity's full-body shot except for hers. No. She took it as compliment that the entire cover was her face and was all "Yeah! I'm fucking beautiful!" Also, did you know that her mother was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and died the same day Mindy found out she was getting her own sitcom? Goosebumps.

I can't...

handle the "resolutioners" who have taken over the gym I visit to get swole. I know it's not PC of me to complain - maybe these newcomers are really serious about sticking it out and not giving up after a month or two. But, the more irrational, evil side of me JUST WANTS EVERYONE TO QUIT WHILE THEY'RE AHEAD AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY GYM. Everything was perfect the two weeks before the new year when I signed up. I was full of hope, excitement, and the feeling of start anew. Now, I go in at my regular time and can barely maneuver around the floor. I hate all of you.

I can't...

with GEL NAIL. My friends and I discovered recently that my nails grow exceptionally fast, so dropping $$ on gel or powder nails is a total waste for me. After a week, you can clearly see my nail beds and it's not a good look. Stupid gel nail.

I can't...

believe I'm saying this, but I really think my obsession with listening to Miley's new album has finally reached its saturation level. After listening to it and only it for the past month (maybe longer), I found myself pondering what to jam to on my Spotify this morning and actively thinking "Hmm. Not Miley. Not in the mood for that." Of course, I'll always love that album. But I feel that, for now, the infatuation stage is over and we've moved into comfortable sweatpant love. I don't want to take it for granted, but like I know she's gonna be there at the end of the day no matter what, so if I want to explore new things for now, I think that's okay? I guess I should probably talk to her about it...

I can't...

that I was King Triton one year at summer drama camp. Yes - King Triton. As in, Ariel the mermaid's father. So. Let that sink in for a second. It probably explains a lot, huh?