WHY. volume 1.
WHY.
do all my friends suddenly disappear via text or gchat when they're needed by me most? Every other second of the day, they're around making non-sensical, completely worthless small talk with me (i.e. "i just ate goldfish" or "it's so cold in my office"). But when something ACTUALLY worth talking about happens in my life, suddenly they're idle without an explanation. It's like all the traffic lights being green when you're early and red when you're running late or rain on your wedding day...
WHY.
is my (and most everyone else's) relationship with Miley so complex? It's like i hate her face, but I love her stomach. I hate her areolas, but I love her new album. I hate her nonexistent ass, but her hair is sometimes cool. It's confusing and makes me nervous. I feel like I should put my tail between my legs when people who follow me on Spotify see that I'm listening to her, but instead I own it:
WHY.
won't I ever know how it feels to be really, really, thin? Like REALLY thin. Sometimes I honestly sit and daydream about how girls who are that thin function. Like what does it feel like to not have boobies or an ass? Cold? Lonely? Light? How does it feel when you sit down? I'd ask how it feels to not have to wear a bra, but I do that anyway because I don't give a fuck. HOW DOES IT FEEL TO NOT HAVE YOUR UPPER THIGHS TOUCH?????? THAT'S THE BIG ONE.
WHY.
doesn't any deodorant ever work? Don't tell me to use Secret Clinical. What do I look like? A daft cow? I've tried. I still pit out. I'm only human. There needs to be a deodorant called "I'm Only Human" and the scent should be a little bit of embarrassment with a lot of owning it.
WHY.
why why why why why WHY can't America have Fridays count as a full weekend day? This is something that will always plague me. I'd sit here and tell you I plan to run for Congress and get a bill passed changing the American workforce structure as we know it, but then I'd just be like every other asshole student you went to school with who promised longer recess, more lunch options, and a more lax dress code. But none of those ever happened because guess what? THEY HAD NO PULL. And neither do I. But if I did, I'd make it so we were expected to work 12-hour days Mon-Thurs, and have Friday-Sunday completely to ourselves. #EMMAFORPRESIDENT2016
WHY.
do some people not like Family Guy? Personally, to me, it falls in the same arena as dog-haters or people who don't drink coffee, like ever. How can you not laugh at Family Guy? How can you honestly sit there and tell me you DISLIKE Conseula and Weston's Soda Biscuits and covering up farts with coughs? To each his own, but if it's not the same as my own, I can't.
WHY.
did iPhone make their new iOS s0o0o0o0o different than the last one? Change is good and I get mini, lady nerd boners over application updates, but I'll be darned if I didn't love iOS 6 way more. This new look makes it seem like I have a whole new phone... that's NOT an iPhone. That's right - I feel like I now have an Android. THE HORROR!!! THE HORROR.
WHY.
do rappers still rap to Western beats? And now like Westernized, American beats. Like actual yeehaw, dosey doe beats. I wish it would stop. Why are you guys trying to be something you're not and that's actually incredibly lame? You're cool, just as you are. I'd rather hear you rappin' about hoes and molly and bugattis than horses and saloons and round and round we go. Ew.
WHY.
can't I be one of those background whatevers on rap songs that literally just grunt "AYE" the entire duration of the song? How much do you wanna bet they make millions off one song for that shit? Someone needs to do a documentary and call it "Aye Sayers: The Untold Story of Background Grunts." Look, I can do it, too! Even though it looks like I'm just burping toward the end...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAwGxJAMSnM&feature=youtu.be
WHY.
do I buy an entire kitchen's worth of groceries and feel so accomplished, then immediately get home, unload them, and want to go out to eat? Seriously, what's that about? Just recently, a grocery clerk asked me "So, you gonna go home with all these groceries and then order in?" "OMG!" I exclaimed. "You do that, too?" "Every single time," he said. So now I know it's not just me - it's a thing. BUT WHY! Can anyone explain this human brain fart?
WHY.
would an apartment come without a towel rack by the sink for your face towel to live upon? I had to install one myself. There's a bar for the bathmat and one for the face towel - THEY CAN'T SIT TOGETHER. It doesn't work like that. Figure it out, apartment dicks.
WHY.
do some dog owners have unfriendly, horrid dogs and are okay with it? It really baffles/outrages me. And I'm not talking about fucking assholes or hoodlums with mean dogs, no. I'm talking about everyday, seemingly average people who have raised shitty dogs and don't seem to wanna fix it. For example, in the complex where I live, a neighbor owns a little shitzoo (don't care enough to spell it correctly). One day, I had my precious furball of a dog off-leash to run downstairs for a quick pee, and she saw the little shitzoo and got incredibly excited. She followed the girl and the shitzoo down the hallway, all the while trying to say "HI! HEY!" to the shitzoo, and the owner looked back at me like I was Satan himself. Later, she explained her dog "isn't friendly." But here's my question: how is that MY fault? Why did I earn a death glare from you because YOUR dog is a piece of shit? Sorry that mine loves everyone and would probably runaway with a stranger if I wasn't paying attention, but you raised your dog to hate everyone and other dogs, so... GOOD DAY, MADAM.
Ugh. I just. Can't.
xox,
emma
