I Cannot.

I realized it's been a while since I've posted a "I Can't" installment on the ol' blog, so that's what I'm gonna do today. If you don't like then...

For those of you who may be new the world of Emmaisms, "I Can't" is a phrase I use to express my feelings about most every situation in daily life. It can embody disgust, surprise, excitement or general not being able to. Here:

Word: Cannoting, verb

The act of not being able to.

"I'm cannoting so hard right now. I cannot."

And now, the things I just CAN'T as of late.

I can't...

With the woman living in my hallway who clearly doesn't understand how to strip the mildew scent off her laundry, but instead, let's it roll around endlessly in the dryer and blow the mildew stench throughout the airway. I battled mildewy towels for years until Pinterest came along and showed me the light that leads to a mildewless life: one hot water cycle with lots of baking soda followed by another hot water cycle of white vinegar. BOOM. Mildew gone forever. No one should have to live with that stench that follows you around and stings the nostrils so hard.

I can't...

Handle morning people, even now. I've been a "real" adult in the "real" working world for over four years, yet I still cannot deal with chipper people first thing in the day. Why are you so damn happy? Where are you getting this energy? Where do you get off coming by desk and saying "Good morning!" that loudly? I'll stink eye you six ways to Sunday.

I can't...

Believe I never knew how to open a banana the proper way. What's that? You don't know either?! LET ME SHOW YOU:

So phallic, I know. But ignore that for a second and notice - the banana is "upside down" but, in reality, it's the right way up! WHAT?! MIND. BLOWN. And it really is much easier than using all that bicep juice to tear off the top of the banana like it did something wrong to you. Try it and tell me your life didn't get just a little better.

I can't...

Take the heat anymore. I know. I live in Texas and have for several years and should be used to it. But guess what? I'M NOT. This is not something you ever get used to. It's still brutal year after year after year. I mean, when you need to go outside to take your damn dog for a quick pee and think "I'll just throw on this thickass house robe real fast because it can't be THAT bad out," and then you get out there and a layer of wet immediately covers your skin... I just can't. And it's like "Hey thanks, Cece, for taking YOUR SWEET TIME TO PEE WHILE I DIE OF HEAT STROKE." I guess I should move. HEAVY SIGH.

I can't...

Eat a salad for dinner on a Friday or Saturday night then drink heavily and make it out alive (the word alive here meaning without drunk eating later). And neither can you. And if you can, you're not someone I'm interested in befriending so...

I can't...

Find the joy in drinking vodka anymore. Is this just a phase? Has this ever happened to you? I was a vodka/soda or water or whatever girl for a long time, but it sounds like death to me lately. If it's not beer or whiskey or something else dark-colored, I'm not interested. Is this part of growing up? Have my vodka balls dropped off of me? Will they come back? I'm genuinely confused about this change of pace.

I can't...

Deal with crop tops or high-waisted "cheeky" shorts ANYMORE. NO NO NO. STOP. PLEASE STOP IT. Some of us actually have body fat that we don't get off on showing off via shorter shirts and barely-there shorts. Yes, if I had 0-5% body fat, I'd probably dabble. But the ugly truth for most of us is we can't and shouldn't and I just wish the trend would go away.

I can't...

With waiters or the like who do this:

Me: Could I get a Shiner?

Waiter: No, sorry.

Me: Ha...

Waiter: AH - JUST KIDDIN'! OF COURSE!

Or this:

Me: Would you mind taking a picture of us?

Waiter: Yes, I would mind.

Me: Oh.

Waiter: BAH! HAHA! JK. GIMME THAT CAMERA.

GET ANOTHER LINE, Y'ALL. PLEASE. Or, better yet, follow through. Joke that you won't serve me what I ask or take a picture of my friends and I, and take it all the way to the finish line. I will respect you and probably tip you harder.

I can't...

Handle my friend whose diet looks like this and yet her waist is smaller than my thigh:

Breakfast: Two bowls of Cocoa Puffs

Lunch: Two kids hamburgers from Wendy's, small fry, diet coke, Sweet Tarts

Dinner: Red wine and more Cocoa Puffs

I can't...

NOT put my fan on full blast when I go to bed, but every morning I regret it by waking up in what feels like the deepest depths of the Arctic tundra. It's just an impossible situation. I probably need to train my dog to bring me my sweats each morning in bed to get around the issue. Yeah - that's the ticket!

I can't...

Imagine being able to handle Vegas at this point in my young adult life. I feel as though I've past my prime for going there and making an adventure out of it. I have a feeling my adventure would be like dressing in something super uncomfortable with my boobies pushed all the way up to my chin, going to one club, getting hit on by dudes who probably really like having a lot of butt sex with girls, leaving, eating a lot of food and shopping the rest of the time. And just to make a point, I'd wear workout gear the entire trip because I AIN'T TRYIN' TO IMPRESS NOBODY. NOT NO WAY, NOT NO HOW.

I can't...

Handle guys who look like they have a lot of butt sex with girls. You know the type: slicked back hair, a sweaty/shiny look covering their face, a cheap-looking button down, and usually always a small or large gap between their front teeth. So much butt sex. I CAN'T.

Let's end there. Let's end on dudes who look like they frequent in the butt sex arena, shall we?

Happy Hump Day, Y'all!

- emma