secret life of the american 20something
that could be a book title, don't you think? or even a spin-off TV show to that steaming pile of garbage "secret life of the american teenager" (although, i will say, when i had first graduated from college and had nothing to watch/do late at night, i got semi-hooked on the ABC Family soap opera. i quickly snapped out of it after the goody-goody Christian cheerleader had sex with her boyfriend and then her father died in a plane crash, which she blamed on herself having sex because God was CLEARLY punishing her. i can't). hey, guys. i'm back. it's been a while because i've been at a loss as of late when it comes to posting. i guess you could call it writer's block, but it's moreso just that i've been busy and uninspired. so this post is going to be a hodgepodge of random happenings in my life mixed with overall ideas about 20something daily life.
let's talk about...
the Grouper i went on. for those of you who don't know what Grouper is, allow me - it's basically a blind date you go on with your friends. you choose two single friends to meet up with a guy and his two single friends, so it's a big group of 6, probably really horny, young professionals who just wanna get drunk and touch each other. it's all setup online by the queen of Grouper, Lexi. i was pretty apprehensive at first, but i will say - it's a great thing to do if you're single and wanting to be out on the scene in a new way with new people. even if it's only for a night. yes, there's always gonna be one outcast (ours was a lord of douches who whispered "when in doubt, blame it on the Jews" to his friend after i told them i'm Jewish. he was the first to get a cab home). surprisingly, we all got pretty inebriated and turned that shit into a 6th grade makeout party. but hey, YOLO! when i came to the next day, i realized the Colombian man who had cornered me that night had a serious language barrier, was wasted and dancing on tabletops with his belt undone, and had also wondered if we could "dedicate ourselves" to each other in the future. i'll count that as my one exotic affair, but just barely.
Totes Grouper right now
let's talk about...
how many people are getting engaged. i know, this topic has been covered by numerous other blogs, facebook statuses, witty tweets and countless bitch sessions among friends. but, speaking completely honestly and from the heart (since i usually speak from the vagina), it blows my mind. i know i should be used to seeing 8 new engagement announcements weekly on FB now, but my eyes still bug out and my butt still clenches up. it's not that i don't ever want to be married - that's not the case at all. marital bliss is definitely something on my to-do list... just not for another handful of years. i am still a child. i still get slightly annoyed when my dog needs something from me when i'm in the middle of painting my nails. i forget to check my mailbox for weeks at a time to the point of it literally exploding open with copious catalogs and special offer letters. i use paper towels when the toilet paper is out. i truly feel i won't have life figured out until i'm at least 30, but really until i'm like 80. the cookie cutter routine of date college boyfriend/first real world boyfriend, get engaged, get married, have babies is too much. it's all just too much for me to handle. what about horrible breakups? stupid sexual decisions with bad guys? wasted nights with girlfriends like you're still in college and crash on each other's couches? what about months-long dry spells that make you question whether or not you remember how to kiss or if maybe something is terribly wrong with you that your friends just aren't telling you and that's why you're so painfully single? WHAT ABOUT STAYING HOME ON A FRIDAY NIGHT AND WATCHING "SAY YES TO THE DRESS" WHILE CRYING AND LETTING ICE CREAM DRIP DOWN YOUR CHIN? WHAT ABOUT THOSE CLICHES BEFORE YOU HAVE A RING ON? these are the moments i wouldn't trade for anything.
let's talk about...
how drastically your personal hygiene routine transforms when you start dating someone new. your typical shampoorinsekindasortascrubyourbodyoff 8 minute showers suddenly become the most important showers of your life - every time you shower. gone are the days of not remembering the last time you washed your hair and not giving a fuck. no. now, you shower daily. you may not even be seeing him that night, but what if he somehow found out you didn't shower anyway? you run the blade over the same 2 spots on your leg until every dead skin particle and every microscopic hair is gone. you shave your armpits 3 times each. you scrub areas like you've never scrubbed them before. IT WILL ALL MAKE A DIFFERENCE AND HE WILL NOTICE. yes, it's like false advertising but it's a part of the experience. those dirty, smelly days where you both can't believe how gross the other one is or how long it's been since they've bathed yet you still want to touch them sexually have to be earned in a relationship.
let's talk about...
how i got rid of cable - finally. and how i feel no different without it. in fact, i feel better. i have my Apple TV, i have my Netflix, i have my parent's HBOGo log-in. you tell me that isn't just as good. let's also talk about how i got a raging power boner over telling Time Warner Cable to cancel every service of mine. "may we ask why you want to cancel services?" "yeah. because i know for a fact that i can get internet for the price i want from your direct competitor." TAKE THAT, PHONE OPERATOR.
let's talk about...
that moment in young adulthood when you finally realize, after countless dips into your savings, how fucking poor you really are. that moment where you say "oh my god. i seriously can't afford anything except to have shelter and to eat food that i buy at a store and make for myself. i'm gonna have to take up knitting and make my own underwear." it's a dark epiphany to have, but you're lucky if it hits you at a point where it's not too late to change your buying habits and turn shit around for yourself. for example, i used to have a serious online shopping problem. serious problem. literally had to buy something at least every week and would measure my worth on the number of packages waiting for me on my doorstep at the end of the day. however, a few months into my new job, i've realized the environment here is perfect for a former shopaholic in the process of quitting. at my old gig, it was a fashion show everyday - who was gonna be the thinnest and look the cutest? here, it's jeans on jeans on jeans and if you roll in with wet hair and no makeup and flip-flops, the only thing people will ask is "hey, ready to go to this meeting?" thank you, new job, for being so conducive in my 10-step quitting process.
that's all i have for you today. 5 points of discussion. gotta ease back into this, ya know? plus, i have a headache. no, really. i do. i swear it's not you. i WANT to have sex, i just don't feel good. my head is pounding. tomorrow night, i promise, sweetie.
xoxo,
emma
