entering my upper 20s

oh my god. i don't know how the day came, but it's here. tomorrow, i will officially be in my upper 20s. all of the laments i've posted on my blog thus far about how hard it is being a 20something or being 25 are now inferior because life's about to get way more serious.

I'M SCARED, y'all. no, really. i think i'm having a prolonged panic attack.

on that note, though, i have reflected on the last year of my life and have put together a list of "ALWAYS," "NEVERS," and "MAYBE SOMETIMES."

ALWAYS:

- order a beer if that's what you're craving. i know you may be trying to watch calories, but that vodka soda is gonna taste like piss if all you really want is a hoppy brew

- forgive yourself for eating dessert or having ice cream for dinner. you're only human

- make time to watch your favorite television shows on a weekly basis, AKA GAME OF THRONES BECAUSE OMIGOD I JUST STARTED THE SERIES AND I'M FREAKING THE FUCK OUT

- try and be the first person on your team into work. i know it's annoying, but it'll start your day off doing something right so, in lower moments, you can look back and say "hey. at least i beat them all into work today."

- always write down when your bills are due in whatever device you check the most (be it your phone or your planner). just when you think you've finally saved a good chunk of money, you'll remember you haven't paid 4 of your bills yet. the realization is heartbreaking.

- wear lipstick. if you're 25+ and you still haven't dabbled in the lipstick arena yet, you are not a woman. BE A WOMAN.

- stay up late reading a book or watching your favorite TV show because, honestly, if that's what makes you happy and enables you to get through the day, you can fight the tired the NEXT day. it's worth it.

- have your toes painted if you're a girl. sorry, but it's just my belief system. even during the dead winter and you live in chicago and you're feet are buried under 15 layers of socks and shoes. painted toes, bitches.

- be sure you make your boyfriend/husband laugh and vice versa, because if not, YOU'RE BOTH SCREWED. if he says to you "i just feel like you're TRYING to make me laugh," slap him and never look back.

- take notes at your job. you're never too old to notes. never.

NEVER:

- apologize for being naked too often, especially if it's your boyfriend who told you to stop being naked so often

- stay in a relationship with someone when they tell you to stop being naked so often

- feel bad when all you wanna do is stay home all weekend in sweatpants and be completely antisocial

- accept a date with someone who you have literally no desire to makeout with. it's a waste of both their time and yours.

- sleep with a guy with whom you have absolutely no definite anything and expect something romcom to happen from it. IT DOESN'T HAPPEN.

- shop at the following stores once you've hit 25: Forever21, B.P in Nordstorm, NastyGal.com. <-- i'm sorry, but i've literally returned the last 5 things i've purchased from them. i'm sure they've black-listed me by now.

- rely on people to make plans. if you're a planner and anal like me, just get over it and make the plans yourself. it's what you were born to do.

- take a shot at a bar if you know you can't take shots. no one wants to be the girl who projectile vomited on cue at the bar.

- lead a guy on. it just is lame and, i know you and i and everyone else ever loves the attention, but put yourself in his pussyless shoes and realize how sad you'd be if you were him.

- say anything about being retarded in front of people you don't know. a few things can happen: a) they may think it's your awkward way of actually admitting you're slightly retarded, b) they could have a family member or close friend who has some sort of disorder and they'll think you're a flaming, ignorant asshole.

MAYBE SOMETIMES:

- lead a guy on. whatever. if he can't pick up on the OBVIOUS hints that you don't really like him, he's too dumb for you anyway.

- accept a date with a guy that maybe you don't wanna makeout with. but, seriously. only maybe sometimes because this does get super depressing and fruitless really fast.

- shop at the aforementioned banned stores but only for oversized shit or cheap jewelry.

- take a moment to stop, look around and question yourself as a person and human. it can be both enlightening and terrifying, but it's necessary sometimes. SOMETIMES.

- order a small Papa John's pizza and eat the entire thing alone on a saturday night. but only MAYBE SOMETIMES. don't make this a habit or no one can save you.

- cut yourself a break. not like when you forget to pay rent or go completely broke, because you're way too old for that shit now. but when you do stupid things that are obvious mistakes. you're only human. sometimes.

- get piss-wasted drunk and make a complete ass out of yourself. MAYBE SOMETIMES. like once a month. maybe once every two months. GROW UP. but don't.

- act your age.