i can't, volume 1.
i think if we all can agree on SOMETHING that something is
THANK THE LARD THE ELECTION IS OVER.
regardless if you were in the corner crying dramatic tears or jumping for joy over the results, it's done and now the choice is yours and yours alone as to how you decide to carry-on for the next four years. you can be as blind as you want to be or involved as you want to be. either way - i couldn't care less.
in fact, while my facebook and instagram feed were drowning in politically-related posts and pictures, i took the time to create a list of things that "i can't" as an ode to my alter-ego twitter handle @literallyicant and just to rant in general. shall i?
i can't...
understand super emotional guys. they really unhinge me with all their insecurities and extreme outbursts. of course, it's lovely when a man can be in touch with his "feminine" side and is capable of communicating and expressing said emotions since all this is usually like pulling out wisdom teeth with no novocaine, but we can do without all the pseudo estrogen. it's just weird. ESPECIALLY when you post that crap on social media sites, i.e. "I miss her." "All the good ones are taken." "I have a secret vagina." girls are emotional enough as it is - COOL IT.
i can't...
ever wear bootcut jeans again and it makes me bitchy when i see it happening all around me. WHY. they aren't okay anymore, you guys. they just aren't. perhaps they will be again in the future, but for now please stick to super skinny pants or super wide leg pants; as far as you're concerned, bootcut jeans don't exist. they're not even an OPTION. do you understand? and don't give me this "but i can't wear skinny jeans." if the infinite amounts of bigger girls i have seen wearing skinny jeans are wearing skinny jeans, ANYONE CAN. "but bootcut jeans were made so you can wear boots with them." do you live on a ranch? do you ride horses every weekend? NO, you don't. so pull those boots up over your jeans and shut up.
i can't...
find the joy in extreme bargain shopping at places such as tj-maxx. not because i don't WANT to, but because i'm terrible at it. fuck maxxinistas in the face with their "adorable" finds. HOW? HOW ARE YOU DOING IT? because i walk in, scan through all the racks, find a few not-terrible pieces i could work into much better pieces i already own, then tear up in the poorly-lit dressing rooms while trying on said items. my "bargain shopping" trips usually end with me not hanging up any of the clothes i tried on and running out of the store in a frenzy, on the search for the nearest froyo joint. I CAN'T HANDLE IT.
i can't...
look people in the eye who STILL don't have iphones. my best friend is lucky that her place of work just distributed iphones as work phones to her team, because before that... i was seriously doubting our friendship. sure, most smart devices now have instagram and any app that actually is worth something, but it's not the same. it's just not.
i can't...
handle the following phrases that i hear at least 10 times a day at work:
"at the end of the day..."
"who OWNS this project?"
"let's circle back around to that later."
"can we touch base in 5 minutes?"
"i need it by EOD" or EOB or COB or STFUOB.
"it's only noon." (this one i don't hear 10 times a day, but it FEELS like it).
i can't...
BELIEVE IT'S STILL IN THE 70s HERE IN TEXAS. PLEASE, GOD OF FALL AND WINTER, PLEASE SHIT SOME RAIN, SLEET OR SNOW UPON US SOON. i'm dreaming of a white christmas, and i don't mean by way of skin color or fake snow decor. it's like, i have at least 6 sweaters with tags on them and i WILL wear them all layered up together the moment the weather changes for good. and cry.
i can't...
believe one of my closest friends dislikes cheese. yes, you read that right. let me write it out again in case you are in denial.
i know
a girl
who DOESN'T LIKE cheese.
if it's warmed up on a sandwich or made into a steaming bowl of queso, she's down. but as for cold cuts of cheese with crackers or just taking massive bites out of a block of tillamook's extra sharp cheddar cheese and laughing evilly as the crumbs fall onto your naked chest (been there, done that), she DESPISES IT. some may say she's a lucky son of a gun for naturally disliking one of the world's fattiest, most undeniably addictive foods, but i say NAY. MORE CHEESE, PLEASE.
i can't...
understand the humor behind "How I Met Your Mother." I KNOW, I KNOW. you think i'm insane and are questioning everything you've ever read or known about me. but, seriously. i cannot handle that show. i've had multiple people swear to me, "you will LOVE it. it's SO your humor. it's HYSTERICAL." i've tried several times to watch it and laugh, but i open my mouth and all that comes out is wine breath and heavy sighs. however, i will say that for as much as i don't find HIMYM humorous or understand why it's still on the air, i respect people who judge me for loving "Big Bang Theory." because i do love it. so much. i love sheldon.
i can't...
not eat carbs. and to suggest that i should "lower my carb intake" in order to see quicker results is just ludicrous. smack yourself for suggesting it then feed me some bread.
i can't...
go to an all-girl dinners and not drink and when this happens, i get very upset. like why are we here? to actually just sit and talk and eat? SOBERLY? but everything is so much more fun with wine or whiskey! i mean, i guess i can sit here and listen to you babble on about your life without even a drop of alcohol in my system... who am i kidding! NO I CAN'T! i waited 21 years to be able to order an adult beverage at a restaurant (legally) and appear way more mature and cultured than i am just from holding it in my right hand and taking slow sips as i nod and furrow my brow at you. LET ME HAVE THIS. PLEASE.
i can't...
get over how BAD JK Rowling's new book is, The Casual Vacancy. i was so excited - the cover was so pretty and colorful! and then, you open it and start to read and it's all like "FUCK FUCK CUNT. CUNTY FUCK. AND THE COUNCILMEN. AND TEENAGE BOYS LIKE TO TOUCH THEIR PRIVATE PARTS." we get it, JK! we get it. you are an adult who can cuss and knows what sex is and can be dirty-minded. but MY GOD. dumbledore would be horrified and upset that there's not ONE homosexual character. RUDE.
i can't...
wait for the weekend every monday. every single monday, i spend the majority of my day pulling weekly reports for work while emailing on the side about what and how i will be doing this coming weekend. yes, i am aware just yesterday (sunday) was the weekend and yes, i know it's immature of me to not live in the present moment in my cube... but how the HELL do you expect me to make it through the week if i don't have at least two weekend activities lined up and planned in advance???
i can't...
think of anymore "i can't"s for the day, so i'll use this last one to say enjoy your weekend, make it count and be sure to check out my weekly postings on fromthehilltop.com. this past week's flew under the radar a bit because jackholes took all my spotlight with election status after election status, but it's imperative you read it and send it to anyone you know who is still in college. it's for their own good.
"25 Tips for College Students from a 25-Year-Old"
GOD SPEED, Y'ALL!
- emma
