to the... volume 7
before we delve into my latest addition of "to the...", i would like to take this opportunity to shamelessly self-promote my new freelance writing gig on fromthehilltop.com. this site is awesome. yes, it's for college-aged kids looking for deals and yes, these college-aged kids do not yet suffer from this infinite time period we're all going through we call "real life," but that's besides the point. the site posts daily happenings in the world and awesome sites to visit and great articles to read (aka mine).
so far, i've written three pieces for them. in case you missed any of them, here they are for your reading pleasure!
the one where i discuss the downfalls and confusion of being 25...
the one where i point out what a true hipster is and why i'm not one...
the one where i expose the truth behind beautified instagram and facebook pictures...
go. read. enjoy. spread the love. and now to my actual blog.
to the...
men in black. please stop making movies. you are no longer galaxy defenders. you're hollywood offenders.
to the...
makers of my expensive hair products. why do you make my already impossible hair even more impossible to control with your stupid, expensive items? i mean you KNOW i can't use cheap shit so it's like you're just taking advantage of my non-choice to buy your crap. i hate you all. $30 for a can of creme and you have me as a customer for life. you should be ashamed.
to the...
idea of installing toilets IN desk chairs. this would just make life so much easier. i love drinking water during my work day. in fact, i drink so much of it that mypees per day average around 4-5. that's 4-5 times of getting up from my desk and having to walk the length of a football field to the freaking bathroom on my floor.
literally, it's the longest walk ever.
if it was socially acceptable to just drop trou within my cubicle space and pee in my built-in toilet, i would be SO much productive! think about it. no longer would i get distracted saying to my friends on my trek to the restroom. i wouldn't waste 15 minutes sitting on the pot thinking about life and staring off into space. every time i had to go, it'd be wham bam thank you mam and we're back to work! i'm just saying... it's an idea.
to the...
small salad with a cup of soup lunch combo. FUCK YOU. you do NOTHING for me. mmm yeah, so tasty for 30 seconds and then 30 minutes later... STARVING. HOW DO PEOPLE DIET? HOW?
to the...
adult documents we have to fill out all the time nowadays. when you ask me "single" "married" "divorced" "separated," i'm all like "what if i have a boyfriend???" it always makes me feel so weird checking the "single" box when i AM in a relationship. i want to write "i checked this because i had no other choice, but i just want you all to know i DO have a boyfriend. it's legit. so i'm not technically single. thank you." i also feel bad checking the box like i'm cheating or lying to him? then sometimes i've thought "what if this reverse psychology and they're making me question whether or not i WANT to be single or if i even really wanna be with this guy?" clearly, i make a lot of doctor's visits because of this way of thinking.
to the...
question "how are you?" i hate this question with a fiery passion. rarely is it ever asked with any sort of conviction behind it. it's an empty, in-passing question. i've asked this question to a homeless person before. just kidding. but seriously, that's how it feels. if you are getting asked this question anywhere outside of a sit down, one on one conversation with a good friend or family member, it's not being asked with any sort of meaning. i think often about answering truthfully: "how am i? not great. i've had a terrible morning and am one cup of coffee away from shitting my brains out and throwing my computer across the floor." we should start a revolution of answering "how are you?" completely truthfully from now on. WHO'S WITH ME?!?!? AND FOR THOSE THAT ARE, HOW ARE YOU???
to the...
world of politics. you confuse and frighten me and i don't want to be involved with you. i just want my healthcare and for you to not tax me out of my ass and to have the right to control my own body and choices about my body. i know i don't do the best job of that sometimes when i eat 3 oreos in a sitting, take two weeks off from the gym and tell myself one more milk stout won't hurt, but that's
NONE OF YO BIZNASS!
to the...
book deal lena dunham just signed, with a $3.7 million advance. no, that's fine. really, seriously. i'm SO happy for you. no, for real! that's great. really, really great. can't wait to read it.
to the...
veggie pizza. you're so unsatisfying. i don't care if you had the world's finest artichokes on you, i will never love you the way i love pepperoni or sausage. when have you ever heard someone go, "the pizza was so great. it was full of health and veggies." no. you envy pictures of meat lover's zas and mountains of pepperoni and jalapeno on cheesy goodness. i feel bad for you, veggie pizza. i really do. you try. and you fail. for me, anyway.
to the...
show "revenge" on abc. WHEN WILL JACK KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT EVERYTHING??? HOW MUCH LONGER IS EMILY/AMANDA GOING TO KEEP THIS CHARADE GOING? AND THAT BABY IS REALLY SLUTTY AMANDA AND JACK'S?!?!?!?!!!!?!! i love having guilty pleasure TV shows.
to the...
new cast of SNL. i'm impressed, ladies. seriously, thoroughly impressed.
to the...
tootsie roll. ya know, you honestly only taste great with surrounded by sweet candy coating. on your own, it really does feel like i'm chewing on a tiny turd in my mouth. you need that extra UMPH that your lollipop form gives you. sorry, bud. i wish i could help you out but eating lots of you in one sitting is not the answer.
to the...
idea of sitting on my couch all weekend, hiding away from the zombielike crowds that TX/OU weekend in dallas can create and eating and writing and sleeping and cleaning and movie watching and holing up my entire life for 2 days....
YES.
- emma
