love advice, love emma VOL. 3

if this is your first time experiencing one of my "love advice" blogs, BE WARNED: this is not suitable for any of the following: people under the age of 18

sexually INactive people

people with little to no sense of humor

easily offended people

people who do not understand sarcasm in any shape or form

people with legitimate love questions they need answered, because i PROMISE you this isn't gonna help.

i plucked this volume's questions straight from a renowned source of ridiculous articles and advice giving - COSMO magazine. the drill is the same as always. i will first post the question asked, my initial facial reaction then my answer.

LEGGO!

question 1.

"My boyfriend and I were at a party talking to his best female friend when her boyfriend started pawing at her. She tried to push him away, but then my boyfriend yelled at him and almost started a fight. He’s never been like that around me. Could he like her as more than a friend?"

girl. for real? come on. i mean, i get being a psycho - TRUST ME - but this is a bit extreme. has he ever made out with this friend? dated her? sexed her? no to all of those? then you're being a freak. if anything, this should make you happy. your dude is a MAN. he stands his ground, not only for you but for his friends, too. he has a dick and he's not afraid to shove it in people's faces to intimidate. if i were you, i'd be like "you were so hot back there. let's go make out. NOW." on the other hand, if your boyfriend has given you reason to doubt his actions before and has a weird relationship with this chick... give him the bitchiest look ever, roll your eyes when his friends pat him on the back for standing up for her and cause a huge scene. maybe even tear up - that'd be perfect. drama bitch up in hur!

question 2.

"This may sound silly, but how do I give my guy a really good hand job?"

YOU DON'T. EVER. FOR ANY REASON. HOW OLD ARE YOU?

question 3.

"My guy and I have great sex, but he only wants it on the weekend. Every other night, he'd rather just hang out and watch TV. He says he gets stressed during the week, which I can understand. But is there anything that I can do to change that?"

whoa. whoa. whoa. hang on. first off, how long have you guys been together? if it's 2+ years, OK. i sort of understand this. you're used to each other and gotten to a point where you're comfortable enough to just sit on the couch on weeknights and admit you're both too tired to touch one another. HOWEVER, if it's any less than 2 years, just think of how much worse this is gonna get. right now you're at weekends only, but eventually you'll be a been-together-too-long couple who only has sex at 2:31pm on sundays... with socks ON. also, you should tell your boyfriend - you know what's an AWESOME stress reliever? SEX. you know what CAUSES stress? BEING HORNY. i'm prone to lashing out more easily when i'm going through a dry spell and i KNOW i'm not alone in that. sex SHOULD NOT and IS NOT reserved for weekends only. it's not like eating taco bell on a sober tuesday night as opposed to black out wasted on a saturday night, i.e. the tuesday night sober session makes you want to off yourself whereas, with sex, YOU JUST HAD SEX ON A TUESDAY! WOOP! all the time is a good time for love making. dump this fucker. promptly.

question 4.

"When my guy and I hang out, he always asks me what I want to do, but he never comes up with ideas of his own. When I tell him he should choose, he says he doesn’t know. He takes our relationship very seriously, but I’d love it if he took the wheel every once in a while. How can I encourage him to do that?"

 

you're dating a lazy, uncreative, unimaginative fool. sorry to be blunt, but I WISH SOMEONE HAD SAID THIS TO ME ON SO MANY OCCASIONS. one of the SEXIEST things a man can do is plan. ya know why? BECAUSE THEY NEVER DO. men usually literally have no idea how to plan. big things? fine. but everyday, fun things? HAHA. they typically don't think that far ahead because their brains were not built for it. all this being said, there ARE gems out there who get it and are better at planning and being fun than a lot of other males and you are NOT with one of those. you will be bored forever. eating fat food, drinking beer and sexing can only serve as a "plan" to a certain point, ya know? sure, you'll be able to say you're sexed up on the reg, but you'll also have a little beer pooch and A LOT of resentment for your guy. then, eventually, you'll meet a dude at work who is mr. fun and plans awesome work outings and you'll fall in love with him, cheat on your boyfriend and ultimately be a slutty cheater. DON'T DO IT! take him on a picnic and tell him "look. i planned this whole picnic. so, what i'm trying to say is... we're over."

question 5.

"There’s a coffee shop near my apartment, where I sit and read or do work on my laptop. I always see guys approach girls who are far less attractive than I am. Generally, I don’t want to be interrupted, but I’d like it if a cute guy said hi to me every so often, if only for an ego boost. Is it possible I’m sending out a hostile vibe?"

 

let's address the big, pink elephant in the room: YOU'RE TRYING TO FIND YOUR NEXT BOYFRIEND IN A COFFEE SHOP. you know who goes to coffee shops anymore? NOT COOL DUDES. weirdo dudes who probably don't have a home to call their own hang out in coffee shops these days. or stuffy business men who wear too much cologne and still have blackberries. or high schoolers. or i guess college kids (are you in college? even still...). i have a feeling you're going into these coffee shops dressed way too effing cute and what guy, who is stopping into a coffee shop midday, is gonna see you all cute and be like "oh hey girl." THIS ISN'T A MOVIE, WOMAN! LIFE IS NOT A MOVIE. you are not going to be sitting around the fire one day with your huge, extended family telling the story of how you met grandpa on a rainy day at a coffee shop and you fell in love over a latte. get out there. go to a concert. go to a cool bar without frat guys in it. get the fuck out of the coffee shop!

question 6.

"I brought a guy home after our second date, and when things started to heat up, I grabbed a condom from my bedside table...but he stopped me and said he wanted to take it slow! I was shocked and offended. Could he be telling the truth, or was he not that into me?"

WHAT?! WHAT??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! THIS IS A NICE GUY AND YOU, MAM, ARE A SKANK! a GUY saying "no" is as rare as christina aguilera looking human nowadays. if you offer, they will take and you have found a NICE and GIVING GUY in this case. i mean, maybe i'm naive, but i just think this means he genuinely enjoys your company and doesn't want to completely fuck everything up and make shit so complicated with sex just yet. he wants to be normal with you for a little longer before his thing goes in your thing and then when he doesn't text or call for 2 days, you are threatening to buzz your head and join the peace corps. yes, quickly and silently asking yourself "is he gay?" is a completely normal reaction to this, but I DON'T THINK HE IS. count your blessings and your condoms - in a few more dates, that number will be depleted. don't rush it, bitch.

question 7.

"My boyfriend's best friend is a girl he cheated on an ex with. They chat online, text, and talk on the phone — even while I'm present. She has a boyfriend, and she's never done anything blatantly wrong, but my intuition tells me that she wants to be more than friends. He tells me I'm being narrow-minded. Should I be worried?"

I'M SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS.

no, ya know what. no. it's fine. stay with this guy. he's obviously completely trustworthy and not sketchy at all. it's very normal that he still is close with this girl whom he used to cheat on his last girlfriend with. i actually have no idea why you even wrote in about this? how are you even concerned? this guy is just super friendly. and you have NO RIGHT as his current girlfriend to even question him about this. he can do who and what he wants - YOU DON'T OWN HIM. if he wants to sleep with this girl again, IT'S NOT YOUR PLACE TO TELL HIM NO. that'll just make you look like a psycho. you be a good girlfriend and keep your mouth shut.

sure hope i was helpful this time around, you guys. stay tuned for next time... because there WILL be a next time.

- emma