thoughts o' the week
thought:
it's my firm belief that girls who apply their daily makeup during their morning commute should either be in some sort of MILD accident or at least get a ticket. too harsh for you? well you know what's too harsh for me? your eyeshadow that you applied IN THE CAR. what are you doing in the mornings that you're SO busy you have to be sticking a bristly wand into your face while on the highway going 70+ MPH? if you're a mom, i get it. i totally get that. you're feeding children, getting them dressed, barely having time to put on your own underwear. but for the girls my age or single women in general with no offspring to care for in the morning time, BITCH - WAKE UP WITH ENOUGH TIME TO PAINT YOUR FACE. if you seriously don't have enough will power to hoist yourself out of bed with five minutes to spare for makeup, you have a lot of soul searching to do. actually, if your daily makeup routine takes you well over five minutes to complete....... well, then. maybe it's time to rethink what exactly you're trying to accomplish with those brushes and that eyeliner every single day. this is what i would look like if i ever tried to apply my face whilst driving:
thought:
i used the words "panties" this week. not jokingly. not in a mocking valley girl voice. i straight up was referring to my underwear and said "PANTIES." that's never happened before. i made myself cringe as soon as i heard it coming out of my mouth.
thought:
when people ask me any variation of the the incredibly awkward question
"how are you single?"
i want to respond like this: "how??? um. well. partly because i want to be. partly because i guess i have a tendency to date below me slash just date total fucking morons. it's like, with me, the guy has a private jet with a built in hot tub and mini fridges full of champagne and then decides he's gonna downgrade to flying atlantic southeast airlines for the rest of his life - economy seating only with multiple delays and misplaced luggage." FUCK YOU, "how are you single?" what a dumb question. don't ask me - ask the male population. better yet, ask Tom Hardy or Ryan Gosling - they know they could have me, they're just playing coy.
thought:
you know one of your guy friends is 100% unattracted to you sexually and has given up all hope of ever frenching you when he farts around you. and not just casually, accidently farts around you, but is mid-conversation with you while walking, pauses briefly, lifts his leg and farts. that happened to me this week and it was horrifying, hilarious and liberating all at once. i now feel no pressure with this male friend; i can go braless, not suck in and scratch my crotch in front of him and there's not a damn thing he can judge about it.
thought:
do you ever wonder who would come banging on your apartment door if you turned your phone off, didn't show up at work and no one had heard from you in 12+ hours? i think it's only natural to question that sort of thing. like who ACTUALLY cares? and not only cares but cares enough to do something about it even if it ends up making them look dramatic? living alone, these are the things i think about. for this reason and this reason only, i have adopted the habit of chewing slower and gulping with grace as to not choke and have to find out if the people in my daily life like me enough to come save me.
thought:
"better than sex" anything can suck it. there is no replacing human touch with food. okay. i'll have a slice of this "better than sex" chocolate cake. but you know how i'm gonna feel afterwards? fat. depressed. and somehow lonelier than i felt going into that pile of sugar. THEN AGAIN, with some of the sexual encounters i've experienced, that chocolate cake wouldn't have to do much to be better than those disappointing times. honestly, for the worst sex i've had, the pre-packaged cake at the grocery store would definitely satisfy me more. slap some sprinkles on that hoe and serve 'er up with a scoop of ice cream and YES! YES. THAT'S IT. okay. fine. you win "better than sex" desserts. this time.
thought:
it sucks when you're a super emotional and usually pretty animated person, because you aren't allowed to ever be mellow. if you decide you don't feel like chatting one day or you're not in the mood to smile or you just feel "blah," people cannot handle it. "what's wrong??? is something wrong??? you seem OFF. you've been so quiet today. is everything okay? are you sure? are you upset with me??? it's me, isn't it. don't lie. i can handle it. what did i do? are you SURE it's not me??? WHY ARE YOU SO QUIET. WHY. WHY. JUST FUCKING TELL ME. YOU'RE KILLING ME. I DID IT, OKAY? I DID IT. I CHEATED ON YOU. I'M SORRY. YOUR SILENCE SPEAKS VOLUMES. PLEASE. DON'T LEAVE ME. WE CAN WORK THIS OUT." it comes in super handy for making the people around you sweat when need be.
thought:
it's been my finding that individuals who use fighting phrases like "um, HOW old are we?" "grow up" or really anything along the lines of questioning age and maturity are the ones in the argument who are immature fucks. get new lines, dick squeezes. it's 2012.
thought:
my favorite "would you rather..." question to pose to a group is: "would you rather go without cheese or oral sex for the rest of your life?" and i'm not talking just cheese alone. i'm talking pizza, tacos, nachoes, pasta - ANYTHING you would typically ever use cheese for... gone forever. you can tell a lot about people from how they answer this conundrum. if a girl is quick to shout "I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT CHEESE" you know that girl has never experienced an, ahem, "experienced" mister down below. if a guy says "who needs head?" he might be insane and you should probably take a few steps back from him. i fluctuate. if i can mentally block out the sexual part of it, i will say i can live without it. then things come rushing back to me and i realize "hey. if i didn't have cheese, i'd still be satisfied and i'd probably be a lot thinner." WIN, WIN.
that's all i got this week, guys. have a fantastic weekend.
until next time,
-emma
