how to date yourself

this weekend, i decided i wanted to take myself on a date and not just any date, a REAL date. sure, i go to the grocery store all the time or shopping or work - but i don't count those as dates. as far as i'm concerned, my relationship with myself has a ways to go and is by no means close to being "official." that's why i realized i needed to woo myself a bit this past saturday and take myself out to the movies. i know to a lot of you, the fact that i've never seen a movie by myself comes as a shock. however, there's a first time for everything, right?!? i had heard about how truly awesome it is to see a moving picture by yourself, so i decided it was happening with myself and soon.

i was really nervous getting ready. i mean, i didn't want to look like i was trying TOO hard for myself, but i also didn't want to look like i didn't care, ya know? sometimes it's harder dressing casual than it is dressing dressy (as much sarcasm and idioticness this blog will contain, that statement is dead serious).

i decided to go with the oversized sweater and bright scarf combo to look hip but comfy - the last thing i wanted to do was intimidate myself. sure, the sweater gives me little to no shape and hides my precious assets, but i also know how hard it is for me to work up the courage to ask myself out in the first place and no breasts are gonna ruin that for me!  i thought i would dig this ensemble, so i went with my gut. oh, and also wore one of my newer pairs of underwear- just in case, ya know?

i was super nervous to pick myself up and get going. i knew there were a few things i needed to do before the big finale of going to see the actual movie, so i crossed my fingers and headed out the door.

oh PLEASE let myself like my high, messy hair and not enrage other movie-goers who can't see over the mass. ahh!!! FIRST DATES ARE SO NERVE RACKING, Y'ALL!

i knew i needed to hit the bank first. i never have cash on me - it's a really bad habit i've gotten into. yes, i AM that girl who charges $2 for a dunkin donuts coffee onto her debit card. WHAT? blame my generation, not me. if cups of shitty, black coffee were still hip and a nickel a serving, things would be different. but the times, they are a-changing and big ass, expensive cups of mocha chocha lattes are in and have been for a while. get with it.

i figured $20 for a movie alone would be enough.... hang on. let's break that sentence down. "i figured $20 for a movie alone would be enough." 20 smackaroos for an afternoon at the thee-ate-er - that is saddening. rachel ray's $40-a-day can go snort itself, because that is some serious BULLSH. if i truly wanted to make a day of this day, i would've spent waaaaay over $40. ugh, life is so expensive.

next up was a car wash. bitch can't be rollin' around in a dirty KIA! i wanted to impress myself with vacuumed seats and a super shiny windshield that gets dirty in .5 seconds post-car wash.

at this point in time, i'd like to quote the women at the car wash who sold me my wash. me: "what's the cheapest price for an outside and inside wash?" "$21" "UGH. $21??? shit." "OR i could give you a deal for $18."

uh. i. what? i mean, i GUESS i'll take the cheaper price... i think it's because she also works at Kroger and recognized me as the girl who is constantly buying wine, ground turkey and enough chobani yogurt to feed a small office, so she hooked a sista UP. but still. her $21 deal versus her $18 deal threw me. i was nervous there was a hidden motive here (like weird sex favors), but i opted for the $18 deal anyway.

FINALLY, it was movie time. i was smiling ear to ear the entire time like a bully as they watch their victim cry - ya know, that creepy, slightly off kind of smile.

"one for the artist please" i nearly shouted into the ticket booth mircophone. i felt like a real girl! like my lady balls were dropping! FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST. THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, MY HORMONES ARE FREE AT LAST!

i got a couple of raised eyebrows when i walked up to the bar inside the theatre and ordered a glass of pinot grigio at 1pm. WHATEVS, grandparents. at least i'm not sitting in the movie theatre on a couples date and eating hot dogs like you all! (that actually sounds kind of awesome). i headed upstairs with my wine to purchase my popcorn (and simultaneously get uncomfortably hit on by the 16-year-old concession stand attendants), and settled into the theatre.

nothing says "movie date" like cheap, over-priced wine and delicious, greasy popcorn. not only that, but i got the pick of the litter since apparently no one sees movies on saturday afternoons. i pretty much dominated the dead center of the movie theatre and had my feet up the whole time cuz IMMA BALLER.

i don't care what anyone says, no one can deny the intense feeling of satisfaction and safety that comes with shoveling this shit into your mouth...

don't you worry your pretty little head. YES i did finish half the bag before the movie even started, but NO i didn't go any further. that's the one thing about movie popcorn - it's usually halfway gone before the feature itself comes on the screen, and you can't really help that. no one can. but what you CAN help is whether you choose to finish the entire bag off or not. the choice is yours and yours alone. do right by your ass and thighs, everyone. your blood is already pulsing with processed butter and screaming for help.

my heart was pounding at this point. would my grease covered hand be held or share the armrest with my other hand? is that even physically possible? i don't know because it didn't happen. i didn't take it as a bad sign, though. i know i'm still into myself. maybe i'm just not into PDA during the movies.

the movie was splendid and then it was time to do the awkward drop-off. ah, the walk to the door at the end of the date. that tiny set of stairs seems like a mountain of anxiety and confusion, doesn't it? what happens when you get to the top? do you invite yourself in? do you make a move at the door itself? i decided it wasn't time - not yet. i mean my first true date with myself was amazing - it went as well as a first date can go. but i want to take this slow and really be sure i see it going somewhere. i mean, i'm amazing but you never know. i could turn out to be OCD or oddly freckeled or something.

hey but call me. ;)

p.s. going to see movies alone is the best thing in the world. if you haven't done it, DO IT NOW. or whenever you can. i know i'll be taking myself on many more movie dates.

- emma