we all SCREAM for ice cream
i can't keep ice cream in my apartment. there's no two-ways around it. yes, we all scream for ice cream, but if it's there, it won't be there within a few days and i refuse to watch myself as i eat delicious, cold fat every night. i have an emergency bag of dove chocolates and that's my limit when it comes to keeping sweets within my sweaty palms' grasp. HOWEVER, i think one of the more fun jobs in the world would be to create names for ice cream. and not just any names, but names that reference what it REALLY means to be sitting around, eating ice cream. if i was entrepreneurial enough, i would create my own line of ice cream for the sole purpose of coming up with names for each flavor. ben and jerry's does a pretty decent job of this, but they could do better. THAT'S RIGHT, BEN AND JERRY. YOU HEAR THAT? YOU'RE WEAK. just like my blog, my ice cream names would appeal moreso to the female-psyche but that's not to say gentlemen and assholes alike wouldn't appreciate the flavor combinations. some of the names might be a little harder for them to swallow, but if they could look past those, my 'scream would satifsy any and all sweet tooths.
what's that? you want to hear some of the names i've come up with for ice creams? okay, i guess.
THE BREAKUP
a combination of incredibly thick truffle chocolate ice cream with a healthy dose of sea salt caramel all the way through. the sea salt obviously represents your tears and the thick truffle will hopefully end up all over your face as you cry into your pint and wonder if you'll ever be loved again?
CELLULITE CELEBRATION
a party of fatty flavors including marshmellow puff, hot fudge ringlets, a peanut butter base and TOPPED with gooey chocolate balls. mmm, you like that don't you, fatty? shove that shit down your throat and watch as it INSTANTLY hits your thighs! it's like a fucking science experiment in a pint!
I'M SO ALONE
this time the entire base is sea salt caramel ice cream doused in dark chocolate chunks and woven with fresh strawberry syrup to symoblize your bleeding heart. hey. it's gonna be okay. you'll meet someone someday... but not if you keep eating this pint. which you can't stop doing. so basically... you're screwed.
OUT OF BATTERIES
this pertains to your pleasure toy having run out of batteries so the next best thing is A PINT OF FUGGIN' ICE CREAM. DUH. this diddy involves milk chocolate with coffee ice cream and WIDDLE bit of marshmellow cream to top it off. sexual and perfect just like you are in your fantasies. just do us all a favor and keep it clean - no, really. don't let ice cream spoons sit around unwashed - they get gross.
ONE DAY MY PRINCE WILL COME
but until then, i will eat this pistachio ice cream (get it? green like a frog? like you have to kiss frogs to find your prince? SHUT UP) that has chocolate covered almonds in every bite. almonds are healthy. so are pistachios. also, who's to say i won't bite into one of these almonds and it'll turn into ryan gosling? so, excuse me while i polish this entire carton off. p.s. would it not be THE most depressing thing ever if ryan gosling turned out to have a mircopenis?
FUCK
vanilla. then chocolate. then peanut butter. then cookies 'n' cream. more chocolate. rainbow and chocolate sprinkles throughout. hot fudge wound through. caramel, too. all this with a coupon on the actual pint for 1/2 off one session of liposuction. just bring in the empty pint for proof you finished it all. FUCK ice cream is for when all you can think to do is eat your feelings and say FUCK. fuck him, fuck her, fuck it, fuck that, fuck them, fuck work, fuck friends, fuck reading, fuck candles, fuck food, fuck underwear, fuck me for eating this and gaining 2 pounds in one sitting.
I'M BLEEDING
tequila-infused chocolate on dark chocolate with MASSIVE globs of cookie dough. also, a sprinkle of crushed up midol and a free tampon with every pint.
I'M NOT OKAY
sorbet. like, you're not dying, but you're also not that great. it's like if the guy you were KINDA talking to was caught making out with another girl or something on the less-shitty end of the scale of upset. you don't necessarily want to stuff your mouth with fat, but you need something cold and a little fruity. this is where it's at. comes in all flavors, including mango. i'm not okay sorbet.
SOB STORY
there's a beginning: chocolate. a middle: peanut butter. and end: french vanilla. and crazy characters throughout! peanut butter chunks and pretzel bites. i know - it's fucked up. just like your sob story was.
JUST GET AWAY FROM ME
milk chocolate truffle ice cream with milk chocolate morsels with caramel centers and a sprinkle of coconut. this shit is so good, you don't need an occasion to indulge but you WILL have to shoo people away from you who want to try a bite or get all up in your personal space. NO. NO. GO AWAY. THIS IS MY ICE CREAM. LET ME BE. JUST GET AWAY!
all you can think about right now is ice cream, isn't it? i know. it's like i'm such a bitch and i don't even mean to be. let's meet at pinkberry in like 20 minutes. at least it's semi-healthy.
GET YER 'SCREAM ON!
- emma
