As I start my last week living alone as I have for the past 11 years, I sat down to talk it out. Here is the transcript of the IGTV video if you prefer reading over watching/listening!

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“Ok. I have been sitting here trying to think about how I want to format this video, what I want to say… and I think I’m overthinking it so I’m just gonna keep it short and sweet and just talk to you guys like I normally talk to you guys.

So, I’m entering the last week of living by myself in my “bachelorette pad” and it’s a really big deal. I know that people move in with their significant others every single day and have done it multiple times and have lived with lots of boyfriends and girlfriends and fiancees and whatever. I never have. I’ve never lived with a partner. And truth be told, I really never I thought because I really didn’t think I was ever gonna find the person.

This is a really big life change for me. I have been the soaken… SOAKEN?… Wow. I have been the token single friend for the last decade. I broke up with my college boyfriend when I was 24 and i’m about to turn 34 in exactly a week from today. And I’ve had so many horrible dating experiences that, more times than not, I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I think that when you reach a certain age and all you’ve experienced are disappointing situations, it’s very very hard to imagine anything else for yourself. And I’m not saying that in a…I’m not trying to be dramatic. It’s just like anything else—people can tell you how something should be and how it should feel and this and that. And they can tell you “don’t worry. You’re gonna find it blah blah blah,” but it really is one of those situations where you don’t know until you know and then it makes sense and everything clicks into place.

So while I’ve had too many moments to count or being so hopeless and sad and tired of being alone and all of that good stuff, I also had, whether it was subconscious or I was aware of it, I had begun to really lean into being a single woman in my 30s. I’ve been living by myself for the past 11 years, so it’s what I got used to and I’ve loved every second of it. I’ve lived in 4 places now in my adulthood in Dallas and every single one has memories and stories and when I found this place in July 2019, I signed a 2 year lease because I was like “I’m not going anywhere for at least two years. Like this place is amazing, this is where I wanna be. Maybe once the lease is up, I’ll buy something. We’ll just kinda see where my life is at.”

So I moved in here in August 2019 and I met a dude September 2019 and we broke in November and obviously, it was super short lived but I really really liked him. I think, too, when you get into 30s, if you really like someone and you feel like there is a connection, it’s even harder not to get your hopes up. Because let’s just fucking call it what it is: there’s a little bit of desperation! Like, “Is this ever gonna happen for me? My biological clock is ticking!” That’s a very real thing that women have to deal with. You know, I’m ready to be with that person. So , I took that breakup really hard. But, come January 2020, I was finding my way back to myself. I had just started working out with Meg, I was ready to get in shape and figure out my career and job situation because I was super unhappy. I went and saw a psychic. I was doing all the things to propel myself forward and really lean into my new place, my neighborhood, my community—I was ready and then COVID happened.

And, mind you, I was so not focused on dating or meeting anyone that, for the first time since 18 years old, I got off birth control! But I was literally like ya know, I am not going to be actively pursuing dating. I don’t want to sleep with anyone for a very long time. I think maybe for the first time in my life idid’t have that desire. I really was very serious about Emma and EMMASTHING and what have you. But with COVID happening, it not only sort of ruined my grand plan of when I was going to quit my job and take myself on a solo vacation and start my new life as a full-time freelance writer; it also sent me into a panic how the fuck I was gonna anyone. I know I just said I wasn’t focused on it, but even though I wasn’t focused on it, I knew that the option of perhaps running into someone out in the real world while I was so busy doing my own thing, it was still an option. It was on the table. But with COVID, I was like well…fuck. I don’t even have the option to go out in the world and have a meet-cute.

So, in my state of panic, I downloaded Bumble for the 500th time, and I really… I can’t even tell you why because it was so early into the pandemic, that I knew it would have to be someone really special for me to even want to meet them. I mean, we didn’t know anything this virus so really I feel like me downloading the app was just to have some stupid, meaningless conversations with stupid boys that weren’t gonna go anywhere. And that’s exactly what it was for the first few weeks until Zac and I swiped right on each other. And a week after we did, he suggested that we meet outside a coffee shop that’s literally walking distacen rom my place in my neighborhood and I don’t know. I just had a good feeling and I wasn’t scared and we’d already said we were gonna keep our distance and do what we had to do and so I went and met him at that coffee shop…and now I’m moving in with him!

i’m like just realizing recording this that even though my plan to really discover this new neighborhood where I rented this place from was sort of thwarted because of covid, I did discover it and explore it with Zac. Like we made memories in my rental together and you know, he came over here… like one of our first all day dates was him literally coming over here and sitting on my front porch with me. We just listened to music and drank beer and talked so much and… (momentarily loses it)

I knew so soon that this was really special. and I hoped it wasn’t just because of the circumstances of COVID or out of desperation or something but I know myself well enough that I was like “No, this is for real.” I really just never ever saw this happening for myself, ever. And I’m truly not saying that to be dramatic. Like, I could not picture a situation in which I was with someone who loved me as much as I loved them and we wanted to make a life together. And in August of last year (2020), we were on his porch one day in our baby pool on the front porch like we did all summer. We just started talking very matter of factly about me moving in, and it was such an out of body experience. That’s the best way that I can describe it. Like, and I said to him, I remember, as I was… I was standing up or something. I think I wanted to be in the sun and whatever he’s like super pale and needs to be in the shade all the time. He was staying in the pool and I was standing up on his stairs in the sun and we’re like talking about moving in and I said to him, “I cannot believe that I’m having this conversation right now. Like literally never in my life have I even gotten sort of close to having this conversation with anyone and it feels so natural with you. We’re speaking of it as though… like this is going to happen. We’re not just talking to talk.” We’re not 20somethings who are like “oh and one day we’ll move in together and we’ll get married and have lots of kids.” Like there’s a different fucking weight when you are 33 and he is 38. There’s a different weight to talking about those things. Like you don’t talk about them lightly. But it didn’t scare me and it felt so right talking to him about it. Like “yeah, of course I’m going to move in. We’re going to be together.” And probably 20 minutes later, we told each other that we were in love with each other for the first time. So we’ve been talking about this since August, and I just can’t believe that it’s happening and the day is almost here and I’m going to living with this man? That I came into my life almost exactly a year ago. Like… it’s just so crazy! It’s so crazy.

And while a part of me is mourning the loss of ya know being this single, independent, I don’t need no man type of woman, living in a really cute place, decorating it exactly as I want…I’m not mourning it not nearly as much as I thought I would because I’m ready.

I cannot wait for this next chapter but I wouldn’t trade the last 11 years of living by myself for anything. Those 11 years, my story was created and I feel all grown up now. Like I’m about to freaking cohabitate with a serious boyfriend. Me? What? The fuck?!

So I just wanted to record this if not for you guys then at least for myself just to capture this moment in time because it’s a fleeting moment and even though I have my own worries and anxieties about living with someone full time and the little hiccups that may arise because I do have so many rules and like things a certain way and I don’t want to drive him insane and this and that, I also don’t want to forget how exicted I am.

So , I think I’ve said everything I want to say. I’ll leave you with some advice. If it’s meant to be yours, nothing you do or say will spoil it. And never settle. It’s all about timing. I remember my dad would say to me to enjoy living by myself because one day I’m not going to anymore forever and it’s gonna happen sooner than I think. Now, he was saying that when I was 27/28 and it still took another 5/6 years, but still. He’s right.

So anyway, here’s to new chapters and loving the old ones for what they are because they are your stories.”