10 Daily Truths Most People Will Agree With

Everyone has opinions. That’s what makes us different (and you wrong). You’re more than entitled to march to the beat of your own drum, have your own views on certain topics, and not feel pressured to agree with anyone on anything ever (but don’t do that because you’ll end up very alone and very hard to be around for more than two minutes).

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All that being said, I live my daily life in true Seinfeldian fashion, observing every everything around me and having an almost impossible-to-keep-up-with stream of thoughts based off those observations. Sometimes I’m able to remember a handful of these thoughts, which then allows me to share them with willing readers like you! HOW LUCKY CAN ONE READER GET?!??!

Here are some hard-to-argue daily truths (and by “hard-to-argue,” I mean funny awesome people will agree and argumentative tightwads won’t probably):

Truth 1) The office bathroom is terrifying for a bevy of reasons.

A) Some people are scared clean – meaning, they are incapable of pooping in public spaces, so they somehow will their poop to disappear from 9-5. However, some people aren’t this way and get all up in an office bathroom like “::PFFFT:: ::GRUNT:: ::PFFFFFFFFTTTT::” and that’s awkward.

B) For others, not a day goes by wherein they don’t participate in an improvised bathroom stand-off. You go in to an empty bathroom, ready to do your deed and get gone, when someone just has to come in after you and then sits there in silence waiting for you to make a move first. UM, NO. I WAS HERE FIRST AND I’M NOT BUDGING. I WILL HOLD IT IN UNTIL YOU GIVE UP AND LEAVE.

C) I have an innate, paranoid, and probably totally irrational fear of accidentally eavesdropping on girls shit-talking me in the bathroom. Because if this were to happen, how would you exit your stall without making awkward and horrific eye contact with the girls talking about you/go on with your life in general?

Truth 2) People who drink Red Bull willingly and outside of a bar atmosphere are just. No.

Drinking Red Bull and vodka past the age of 22 is already pushing it, but drinking just plain ol’ Red Bull during the day because you actually enjoy the taste or feel the poison inside of it wakes you up or I don’t know what is NOT OKAY. Not to mention Monster or any of the other 42 “energy” drinks on the market. I don’t even know what else to say about this without going on a horrifically long rant. Bottom line: EW.

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Truth 3) When you live in a warmer climate state, the day you realize you’ve stopped sweating for the season is probably one of the best days of your entire year, every year.

Because Texas summers are so long and so brutal, I sometimes forget what it feels like to not sweat. Truly. I suffer all summer-long, trying to recall a time in my life when I wasn’t consistently covered in a thin layer of my own moisture. So the day you first take notice that “Hey! My armpits… they’re so dry. And my back… my back is, too!” is monumental. I’m not a religious person, but it makes me want to praise the good Lord and sing praises to the skies and the angels and the fairies and the wizards and witches.

Truth 4) All girls pretend to be over Forever 21 and claim they can’t wear it anymore, but we keep shopping there. 

I’ve made loud and defiant statements that XXI and I are done. Forever 21? More like Forever twentyDONE. But, guess what? I still shop there consistently. Online, yes. So it’s a bit different than shopping in-store. But regardless of how I do it, I do it. I order something from them at least once a month, if not more. Cute shit, too. And it looks nice. So I have to chalk my past rants up to having a bad week or PMSing real hard (same difference, right?). Yes, a lot of their clothing isn’t particularly made for or aimed toward the matured adult female, but if you look hard enough and believe in yourself, you can find at least one worthwhile something.

Truth 5) The car is the best place to pick your nose.

Don’t scoff. Don’t say “ew!” Don’t act better than me and everyone else ever. Because you know it’s true, you know you’ve done it, and you know you’ve been doing it while thinking, “Wow. I’m disgusting.”

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Truth 6) If you’re a light sleeper, you probably check your phone randomly at 3am when you can’t sleep.

It’s embarrassing, but it’s true. I mean, what the hell else are you gonna do at 3:21am? You just randomly awoke, it’s the middle of the very early morning, so why not fall deep down into a never-ending rabbit hole of meaningless tweets and a plethora of mindless “listicles” until your eyes grow heavy again? You know nothing monumental has happened between the time you feel asleep until now, but the one time it does, you can say you saw/read the news about it first. And, at the very least, you can find out the 17 Things Extroverts Struggle With Daily. 

Truth 7) “You can tell how smart someone is but what they laugh at.” – Tina Fey

Truer words? I don’t think so. This is probably my favorite quote of all time because it’s just so YES. However, I will add to it by saying this: I think when Tina is referring to “smart,” she means common sense-wise. Not book-wise. Because a lot of super scary intellectual brainiacs probably wouldn’t find “Parks and Rec” or Chris D’Elia impersonating drunk girls that funny, but that doesn’t mean they’re not smart. It just means they’re suffering from their sense of humor is all. This quote/observation by one of the greatest female writers of our time is pretty much everything – for me, anyway.

Truth 8) Until you live in a real house with real air circulation, your towels end up smelling like mildew.

Please tell me this isn’t just me and half the people I know. I’m a clean person. Like, really clean. But I live in a duplex from the 1940s or later with embarrassingly bad ventilation, so people think I’m lying about being clean when my towels smell a little musty but I can’t help it if I’ve got an older home and a wide set vagina. Sorry. That was just too easy and had to happen with the way that sentence was going. I’ve concluded that the reason my parent’s towels never smell is because they live in a newer home with up to date ventilation. I’ve used white vinegar, which works – but only temporarily. 

Truth 9) Mixed drinks with tequila bases are gross.

Truth 10) Humans who don’t have Internet at home exist and are not to be trusted or taken seriously, ever.

As I’ve made my way through the real world the last several years, I’ve come across a few individuals who straight up don’t have an Internet connection at home. They claimed it was an effort to avoid having to ever do work from home, but I call bullshit because that’s complete bullshit. You’re just weird as hell. You don’t surf the web on your couch or in bed? You legitimately use all your smartphone data and forgo the option of a personal WiFi hotspot? You don’t watch Netflix or Hulu Plus or even free stuff on Crackle? What do you do then? Churn butter? Milk your goats? Make your way around your house with kerosene lamps? BATHE YOURSELF IN AN ALUMINUM TUB WITH A BUCKET OF HOT WATER YOU GATHERED FROM THE RIVER? GTFO of here.

xox,

emma

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I Can’t, Vol. 20

Volume 20… maybe. Because honestly, at this point, I have no idea how many things I’ve stated that “I Can’t.” 

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I can’t…

with turtlenecks in general, but ESPECIALLY 90s-looking turtlenecks. And EVEN MORE especially with 90s-looking turtlenecks layered with leather jackets. Just stop.

I can’t…

if anyone still owns and sports True Religion jeans.

I can’t…

with how fucking snotty my last two “I Can’ts” just sounded.

I can’t…

but I can.

I can’t…

get enough of White Russians during the winter months, and I’m not just saying that to be all #thedude. People who don’t enjoy a finely made White Russian must not know what true happiness tastes like.

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I can’t…

believe i’m saying this, but since I’m back in the cubicle grind, I’m back on morning oatmeal. I know. Gross. However, the new Chex brand oatmeal isn’t so bad. Sprinkle some sliced almonds in that hoe and you got yerself a balanced, hearty pile of hot mush.

I can’t…

quiet my walking. It’s sort of why I don’t wear heels too often, but that’s also because I actually enjoy being shorter and choose to embrace it rather than create an illusion to mask it.

I can’t…

believe I’m gonna say this but, a week into my new gig, I’m getting used to waking up early. GASP. I know. I feel like someone should make a celebratory sprinkle cake or something.

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I can’t…

handle that cake. If I don’t have it in front of me in real life before I die, I will die way too early and so unhappy.

I can’t…

learn to love Nutella. No, I’m not a psycho. I’m just a girl who doesn’t particularly enjoy creamy hazelnut stuff the way other girls do. Anyway, I feel like the Nutella craze is over, no? I haven’t seen or heard much about it lately. I think people have worked their way out of the overly rich jar of goop and onto bigger and most likely better things. Like donuts. Or kale. Or some other current, annoying food craze. Maybe.

I can’t…

help but mutter “Oh I see. Well fuck you, too then” whenever I see my Instagram follower number drop.

I can’t…

and will probably never be able to with sports, but I can tell you this much: call me sexist, call me annoying, call me Emily, but I’d rather a man I’m with be obsessively into sports than be indifferent to/dislike them. The latter is creepy as hell. Like, serial killer/pedophile creepy. What do you mean you don’t like sports? You have a penis, right? Wait, let me feel… Yep. Yes, you do. Figure it out.

I can’t…

help it that I like having a bevy of desk snacks on-hand. What is a job without being stocked up on hidden nourishment? Don’t be jealous of my preparedness.

(^ real life desk snacks ^)

(^ real life desk snacks ^)

I can’t…

stress enough how sad it makes me that I didn’t study harder in school. After subjecting myself to the entire series of “Gilmore girls,” the main ideal I walked away with is your social life is more or less worthless and will only provide you with a minimal collection of memories, wherein your education WILL MAKE YOU SMART AND AMBITIOUS AND MORE HIREABLE AND CREATE YOUR CAREER. However, I also can’t help but wonder if studying harder/taking shit more seriously during my schooling really would’ve helped that much. At the end of the day, I believe there are two types of humans: those who understand standardizing testing and those who are basically like “You could’ve given me this test written in German and I wouldn’t’ve recognized the difference.” FUCK the SATs (I sound so intellectual right now).

I can’t…

with public burps. No, I don’t mean the sound of them (but that, too). I mean the smell. I know you know how bad burps can smell, and when someone doesn’t even try to cover that scent by burping in a different direction, I CAN’T. Let’s face it – when you’re drinking beer, you’re gonna burp. But I always make sure to turn my head away dramatically and hold my index finger up to pause the conversation so I can burp away from my immediate audience. People who just burp freely and openly and subject their peers to the smell are fucking assholes.

I can’t…

stress enough the importance of owning a Moleskine planner. It’s the only acceptable planner to use, IMNSHO (In My Not So Humble Opinion). Buy one, touch it, then thank me. 

I can’t…

that my shower pipes get cold during the winter and so the usually incredibly delicious warmth of my shower is effected and ultimately destroyed. Is it my shower pipes? Or, like, my actual gas heater thing in the attic? I’m so good at household knowledge and life. Call me for any “fix-it” issues.

I can’t…

pretend to believe Kim Kardashian’s body because it’s lying and it’s rude.

I can’t…

with “Gilmore girls” scarves. I started this entry with scarves, so let’s end it with scarves. I know it was the “thing” in the early 2000s to not only wear thinner scarves, but to also wear those thinner scarves so tightly around your neck because, clearly, doing so kept you so warm. I just can’t with it, but I can because it’s Lorelei and Rory and, in my eyes, they can do no wrong. Unless it’s losing your virginity to a married ex-boyfriend or breaking off an engagement with your soul mate followed almost immediately by sleeping with your baby’s daddy who’s an immature, whiney, dumbass prick. 

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Ugh, love you girls so much. You keep me young and enable me to escape to a made-up, quaint, perfect Northeastern small town as to not have to deal with my own life and solely focus on yours.

xox,

emma

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