There Are 56 Types Of People In The World

There are two types of people in the world…

Those who own an agenda or planner in which they write down EVERYTHING and those who depend entirely on their gmail/Outlook calendar to keep their appointments and get them through life.

Those who actually recycle and those who are convinced it doesn’t get sorted anyway, so just throw it all in the same container.

Those who think La Croix is a delicious break from just plain ol’ water and those who clearly don’t get it.

Those who feel awkwardly obligated to walk and talk with you to the parking garage after work if you both happen to be leaving at the same time and those who understand just because you’re exiting together doesn’t mean it has to become anything more than just that.

Those who get how ridiculously delicious little Babybel cheeses are and those who haven’t lived.

Those who freely and genuinely compliment someone expecting nothing in return and those who can’t give a compliment to save their lives. Even if it’s to a bride on her wedding day. Or, worse, they tell the bride she “looks so cute!”

Those who truly enjoy replacing heavy, carby pasta with veggie noodles and those who do it because they know it’s the smarter choice but say “I mean, it isn’t pasta!” through the entirety of the meal.

Those who know about and follow the greatness that is the Dogs Being Basic Instagram account and those who just got the biggest treat of their week. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Those who understand and subsequently utilize Reddit and those who literally are so overwhelmed by it and just cannot (me).

Those who are #INTOIT when a Southern man on a dating app mentions “two-stepping” in his profile and those who are like HARD PASS TO THE LEFT BYEEEE.

Those who could sit and watch BuzzFeed Food videos all day and those who I guess have better shit to do but, like, what tho?

Those who shower diligently and those who find joy in discovering new ways to make it seem like you’re cleaner than you really are 😉

Those who bitmoji and those who want to but always forget about it and every time they try to, it doesn’t really deliver like they wanted it to.

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Those who will wait an obscene amount of time for someone to pull out of a prime parking spot and those who just say “fuck it” and count the walk from the car to the destination as extra exercise.

Those who cherish the crust of every piece of pizza and those who are most likely mentally unstable (but also kinda awesome because I get to eat their unloved, discarded crust, so it’s kinda of a lose-win situation).

Those who are harmlessly nosey (more so curious than anything) and those who are maliciously nosey and dangerous with information.

Those who turn off every single light and lamp when they leave home for the day and those who leave just one small one on because, IDK, it just feels better that way.

Those who think spending $30+ on a candle is obscene and those who are aware of the high quality and overall delight expensive candles bring to the table or nightstand or coffee table or side table or bathroom or kitchen or…

Those who have best friends who will inspect oddities on your body that you can’t quite reach and those who have no real best friends and that’s sad.

Those who binge on a new show every few weeks/month and those who have lives and the means to live outside the boundary of their couch (wonder what that’s like…).

Those who bleach their upper lip hair and those who just go for it and get that shit waxed/threaded on the reg. Or those who do neither and need to be told to do one prolly.

Those who think Grimes’ voice is a combination of nails on a chalkboard/baby sobs/dying animals and those who love it (surprisingly, I’m the latter).

Those who decorate their cubes at work and those who refuse to share any part of their happiness or private life with outsiders.

Those who totally get it when I say “my eyes are stuck” and those who have no idea what I’m talking about.

Those who would choose something like mind reading or flying or telekinesis as a super power and those who would choose something like “being calm” or “not having anxiety.”

Those who consider a trip to Walgreens fun and those who don’t find endless rows of lotions and potions and things you don’t need super fun to browse and buy for no good reason.

Those who use the term “docket” whenever they can and those who should try it.

Those who love the 2 Girls, 1 Closet podcast and those who are dumb.

Bye!

xox,

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Airing My Grievances With The Male Population

Guys, we need to talk. 

Well, I need to talk and I need you to listen.

More than that, I need you to either set me straight that the woes I’m about to lament are normal and to be expected OR that I am having a never-ending stream of terrible, very bad, no good luck.

I have three main gripes I need to express with the male breed. I’ve stayed semi-silent, only mysteriously alluding to some of the atrocities I’ve faced with dating, not just in the past few months since my breakup but way before I spent 10 months with my last boyfriend. He was a nice break from the everyday horrors of trying to wade through the steaming piles of shitty trash out there in the dating world, but he had his hang-ups, too.

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So here are my three grievances I have to air publicly before I implode. I need answers. I need sympathy. I need to believe I just have terrible dating karma that will turn around some day.

Grievance 1: Do most guys truly believe that most girls orgasm from penetration ONLY? 

Where the fuck did this LIE begin and how we do make it end? Was it porn? Was it your parents explaining the logistics of sex to you at a very young age, unable to get into the nitty gritty of all the other crazy shit that must happen to achieve female orgasm because, well, that would’ve been super awkward? Was it the infinite number of girls you’ve slept with that faked it? The percentage of women who get their rocks off JUST from a penis going into their vagina is lower than the amount of people who don’t find Ryan Gosling or Blake Lively attractive (like LOW). Don’t get me wrong — I know some girls do. And good for them. In fact, GREAT for them. But also, fuck them because they’re making the rest of the us look bad who CAN’T do that. Or maybe I’m just continuously running into dudes who have a knack for making you feel abnormal or atypical if you don’t have movie-esque orgasms during the act of intercourse.

I can get there — do I get there often? No. Maybe a handful of times in my life. Is it my fault or the guy’s? Neither. It’s no one’s fault. It’s just my body and how it reacts to certain things. Does sex still feel incredible? Of course. I don’t enjoy it any less because there’s no big, explosive end result for me. In fact, it makes YOU getting there even better for me and exciting to witness. I get my end result from other stuff. In fact, from almost any other stuff. So I think it’s rotten and fucked up for any guy to question out loud or scoff out loud re: the fact that his dick can’t make you see Jesus. Oh, I’m so sorry — is it that you don’t wanna have to do work? Is that what it is? You’re all like “Ughhh, I can’t just thrust into you endlessly? That’s not gonna do it?” IT’S NOT ABNORMAL FOR A GIRL. IN FACT, IT’S MORE THE NORM. You know what’s fucking abnormal? When YOU can’t get off. THAT’S fucking weird as shit (This is a real thing. Adding to my terrible dating karma, I have encountered two men in my life who have had serious issues with “getting there.” One of them openly admitted he had only ever ejaculated from anything sexual twice in his entire life. The other took about 5 separate physical encounters with a LOT OF ACTIVITY INVOLVED for anything to happen. BUT I’M THE WEIRD ONE?).

In conclusion, get your heads our of your asses and get to work, you lazy fucks.

Grievance 2: When did guys stop being obsessed with going downtown on a girl?

So what you’re saying is I can blow you right off the bat if I wanted and for a solid 20 minutes, but you’re just not the oral-giving type? When did guys stop loving vaginas? Because, I’m sorry, being a truly sexual person who loves vagina like you claim you do means being willing and excited to put your face into it. My college boyfriend spoiled me, I guess. He did that the first night we ever kissed and it never once faltered or went away for three years. I’ve been with plenty of men who would do that for breakfast if it was a viable option, but have encountered an equal amount of men who either “just don’t do that,” “do it but only sparingly and when they really like someone,” or are just really terrible at it all together — WHICH, I would GLADLY take and mold into something amazing. I just sat here for a solid 2 minutes shaking my head. These guys act like it’s something we have to earn or just the most special sexual act that they’re reserving for their future wife. I just fucking can’t. Look, I get it. Oral is intimate. Some people take it more seriously than sex. Personally, I’ve never understood that — it doesn’t seem to flow with the natural progression of getting to know someone sexually. You do all the other stuff before you get to P in V. That’s how I was raised (gross sorry that joke wasn’t funny). But seriously. Please someone tell me it’s just the stream of guys I’ve been running into for the past however long and not a new movement amongst men in general. I’m about to just start sitting on faces and taking names, whether they like it or not. 

Grievance 3: Dating and dates and money and who pays for what and what the fuck is going on.

This I barely can, but I will for the sake of using my blog as a cathartic instrument. If I had a dollar for every time dollars became a point of contention with the men I’ve fraternized with, I would have a few hundred more dollars in my savings, which would be really nice just to know I have that cushion, ya know?

It’s hard for me to eloquently articulate my thoughts and feelings on this subject without coming off as an entitled bitch, but here’s the deal: courting = being paid for. That’s the bottom line. I know it’s 2015, I know feminism is rampant, I know Hillary is trying to christen the oval office chair with its first vajean, but if we’re newly “dating,” “hanging out,” or whatever the fuck you wanna call it, I want to feel treated. I want to feel like you’re honored I accepted a date with you; that you’re relieved I’m not just another nobody, boring girl you’re taking out. I want to feel like you view me as a classy lady who you want to treat to a real date. I have no problem picking things up or splitting in the future, but in the FUTURE. When we’ve been dating, we’re established, and I know you’re not manipulatively attempting to have me pay my way. That you’re not so casual about me, you just want to fuck and then ask me to buy you a burger or, when we go to “dinner” for the first time (dinner is in quotes since I’m alluding to 9pm on a Sunday night at a bar that happened to serve food) you don’t have the gall to say “You’re getting this one” when the check is dropped off. OH AM I? BECAUSE WHY? YOU’VE TAKEN ME ON TWO DRINK DATES? AND I OWE THIS TO YOU? WHO ARE THESE MEN.

Or, what about just the other night on a lovely sushi date with a seemingly normal, lovely guy who, when we got outside and I offered cash for the valet, responded with “No, I got this. You can take me to dinner next time.” I’ve never gone flaccid so fast. I just stood there, in shock. Is this really happening again? Am I a magnet for douchebags? Does my face scream “I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO KEEP TABS AND MAKE THIS UP TO YOU SOON!”? Literally, I just stood there and half-laughed. He wasn’t kidding since he followed up with “No? That’s a no, then?” 

Am I being too expectant? Do guys not happily pay anymore unless they’re sure y’all are “equals”? Did they all recently read a handbook about how girls don’t deserve old school courting and how to get them to pay their dues in order to get your attention? Am I not 2015 enough? Like I said, I will HAPPILY split/pay/whatever once I’m in an established relationship. I’ve done so in every single relationship in which I’ve partaken. But to ask me 2-3 dates in to cough it up or essentially pay you back… fuck off the hardest anyone’s ever fucked off. And thank you for ruining a great date by creating an air of this not being legitimate whatsoever and making any future “dates” awkward when it comes time to pay. Thank you SOOOO much for that.

I realize this is the most graphic, TMI, over-the-top, revealing post I’ve ever written. I also realize I have opened the gates to haters and trolls to say awful things to me or about me, but that’s the risk I’m willing to take. Otherwise, I honestly believe I would’ve imploded this week and gone rogue and no one would be able to find me until years later, when I was discovered under a bridge in Minneapolis, covered in filth with a shopping cart full of treasure trash, and muttering things like “‘wanna buy me a burger?’ ‘take me to dinner’ pusssssyyyyy PUSSSSSAAAAYYYYY.” So.

xox,

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