7 Things That Will Ruin Your Day

(originally posted on postgradproblems.com)

Our generation (that is, of the Gen Y persuasion) gets a lot of flack for being self-absorbed, entitled, and addicts of instant gratification. Fair enough. I’m not going to defend any of those stereotypes – not today, anyway. In fact, I’m going to expose our dark side even more with this list of things that can, will, and have ruined a lot of millennials’ days.

Instagram won’t refresh or fails to upload your new post.

You worked really hard on filtering the shit out of that picture – if you do how I do, you ran it through two photo apps, minimum. Not only that, but don’t even get you started on the astonishingly clever, one-liner caption you wrote to go along with it. When Instagram decides to act like a testy teenage girl who won’t reload or “fails” to upload your picture, you want to chuck your phone across the room and give up on life altogether. You can’t focus on anything else. Nothing is nearly as important. You won’t be able to function until Instagram stops torturing you. What is life without instantaneous likes and appreciation for great filtering?

Your Facebook status gets no likes.

Could there be anything more embarrassing? Here you are, an avid ‘booker, just doing your part to keep the interest and fun alive for your fellow ‘booker “friends,” and you get NO likes? Or worse, maybe TWO? Sure, you know it’s not your best work – nothing will ever surmount an “it’s official – moving to Chicago!” or “we’ve been married for a year and are already bored and got knocked up!” announcement, but your new status is FUNNY and INSIGHTFUL and you’ll be damned to see it go unappreciated. So, you do what any normal, egotistical and insecure person would do and delete it. Duh.

Gchat is down.

Oh. Holy. Jesus. This situation truly will send any stereotypical millennial into a deep state of depression, desperation, and helplessness. A day at the office without Gchat is what you’d imagine the isolation cell in a prison to feel like, or worse, forgetting your phone at home (THE HORROR!). So when Gmail fails us (which, to be fair, is so incredibly rare because they’re perfect), they fail everyone everywhere. Getting into work and signing into Gchat happens at the same time as or maybe even before you open your work email. And, sure, if you were to consolidate the actual minutes that you’re actually having an actual conversation with a Gchat buddy, it may be an hour of your day. Usually, it’s a broken up stream of consciousness that involves an equal amount of “brb, meeting” and “hang on” from both parties. But just knowing it’s there and your friends are instantly accessible makes life worth living M-F, 9-6 (I work in advertising).

Gchat isn’t an option.

Nope. This could almost be worse than Gchat just not working for the day. Because it’s right there – your iChat buddy list or minimized Gmail screen are fully active, beckoning to you. The iChat icon bops up and down 12 times, displaying 12 red notifications. The minimized Gmail screen flashes incessantly: “emmasthing says…” WHAT? WHAT DOES SHE SAY? I CAN’T CHECK BECAUSE MY BOSS IS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME IN THIS MEETING. This, my friends, is true agony. You try to slyly check it and type back, but your slow, methodic, awkward typing draws more attention. Plus, if you’re anything like me and have no control over your facial expressions, you’re bound to blow your cover by reacting to something your friend just wrote you. But if you don’t read their messages and write them back immediately, you’ve missed your chance to be in the “now” of their lives and will most likely never speak to them again. Ever.

Group texting.

When you’re in a great mood, you’ll read and respond to every single person’s thoughts and jokes via the group text. You’re engaged, you’re listening, and if it weren’t for this group text, your day would be meaningless and deafeningly quiet.

However, when you’re not in the mood, there’s never been a worse concept in the world than group texting. You are forced to put your phone on silent and even do away with the vibration alert. Between the never-ending parade of pointless and counter-productive meetings, you run back to your phone only to find you’ve missed 86 texts. 86. And worse than that? Not one is from anyone outside of that group text. All 86 came from your bored, terrible friends.

But, of course, being away from your precious phone baby for at least an hour and coming back to zero texts is just as painful. Thusly why, when the mood is right, you embrace the group text with loving thumbs.

Fresh groceries gone bad.

We’ve all done it. Go to the store having just been paid, and load up on an appealing and large amount of groceries. We stockpile fresh produce like we’re actually going to stay in every night that week and create dishes Ina Garten would approve of and maybe even consider making for Jeffrey. But, as the week progresses, we quickly conclude that we weren’t thorough in our thought-process, and are too busy to make use of any of the food items we invested in this week. So, come Sunday, we chuck lettuce with pinkish hues, soggy and slimy cucumbers, and full half-gallons of milk that we swore we’d use for cereal every morning this week.  We’ll always have enough pasta and other dry goods to feed a small city, but the chances of having fresh anything to pair with these are slim (note: week-old pesto is doable. You’ll just fart… a lot).

The Internet being down as a whole.

Forget it. Done. Worst nightmare come to life. Don’t expect much from us in this situation, other than panic and confusion. Just hold us and only talk to us to let us know it says “LTE” in the upper left corner of our phone.

God, we are so sad, aren’t we?

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26 Things I Learned Being 26

With my birthday only hours away now (it’s tomorrow) (as in, Friday the 4th) (pen it in), I decided to take a few moments out of my life to sit and think about things I learned in the last year of my life. It was a good one, truly. Sure – I had my super ups and super downs like every overly-emotional, overly-analytical, over-thinking 20something gal does. But, all in, I’ve had worse.

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1. I learned that if a guy wears a $650 David Yurman Star of David necklace, he’s probably a no.

2. I also learned that with the perfect diet plan and work environment, you can gain 10 pounds in a year – easily.

3. I also learned that making completely new friends is really hard and terrible. Dating is a joke compared to friend finding.

4. I learned that, no matter how uncomfortable the confrontation, it’s always better to call or text them rather than email them.

5. I learned the difference between every day and everyday. Every day means literally every single day. Everyday is an adjective, i.e. “everyday jeans.” Sure, I write for a living but that doesn’t mean I’m an editor.

6. I learned to control my online shopping problem. I went from six boxes waiting for me in front of my door on a weekly basis to zero (okay, maybe one).

7. In direct relation to the just-written statement, I learned that Nasty Gal is almost always ill-fitting and not okay, which subsequently fueled my weaning off internet shopping.

8. You can still enjoy cinnamon cereal without devouring an entire box of sugary crack cocaine that destroys your innards (Cinnamon Toast Crunch). The name of said substitute? Cinnamon Chex.

9. If a guy has only ever ejaculated twice in his entire sexual history… it’s NOT you.

10. I learned how to peel a banana the right way – yes, from the bottom. Don’t question me on this. It’s the true way whether or not you want to conform.

11. Dating a man in uniform isn’t all it’s cracked up to be – especially if that uniform is a flannel, a baseball cap, and glasses.

12. As much as I absolutely hate doing it, storing salad in a specified salad container does keep it fresher longer. So annoying and responsible, though.

13.  I realized, even though it’s still very hard for me to remember in times of desperation and upset, that 9 out of 10 times… everything works out. It really does. So many minutes and hours of my days have been (and will probably continue to be) wasted on agonizing over the smallest, stupidest shit that amounts to nothing in the end. If I had a dime from every time I got stress zits over deadlines that ended up being pushed back a week, I’d have enough money to buy top-of-the-line zit cream and also maybe not have to work a full-time job.

14. Kimonos with fringe at the bottom look really cool, but if you’re under 5’8″, they will simultaneously attempt to murder you by way of tripping throughout of the course of the day.

15. Not that I didn’t already know this, but you can literally learn whatever it is you need to know in mere nano seconds via Google. The internet truly is amazing (still and always). If I couldn’t Google things like “how do I insert transitions between every slide on iMovie,” I wouldn’t have been able to create one of my greatest masterpieces this past year.

16. I learned that I actually enjoy encountering stand-offish humans because it dares me to be even more uncomfortably open and honest than usual. If I can tell this person is both awkward and disinterested, I like to keep on keepin’ on until they crack a smile or conclude I’m the worst.

17. Sober first dates are mutually exclusive and I won’t hear any differently.

18. I learned that, not only can Bluetooth allow me to make calls hands-free while in a moving vehicle, but it can also stream my music via Pandora, Spotify, what have you into my car speakers and out to my ears. Yes, I didn’t know that before this last year. And yes, I’ve had my same car with Bluetooth technology since 2010.

19. I learned that if someone in your life ever admits to you that they feel second fiddle in your company, run. Run as fast as you fucking can and don’t look back.

20. I started taking vitamins. This is probably the newest “learn” I have. Did you know that water is necessary after vitamin intake because your body has to use more H2O to digest the ‘mins? Well, now you do. #healthnut #healthnutwholovesanythingunhealthy

21. I learned this past year that your mood can change for the better, always. Even if you start the day on the completely wrong side of the bed – I’m talking you wake up like UNDER the bed, naked and confused – your day totally has the ability to turn around. I’ve marveled a few times in the past handful of months at how a bad day or bad attitude I’ve had has transformed into a good one. But the trick is, don’t consciously try to make it happen. Just let it run its course.

22. I just don’t think I was born to be a loyal retainer-wearer.

23. There are many nights where you’re just not going to get drunk. Stop trying to make drunk happen – it’s not going to happen. Realize your body isn’t responding and just call it quits. Close your tab, take your last pee, and go home.

24. I learned that nothing is anything unless the DTR talk happens. There’s no two-ways around it. Either put your big girl panties on and DTR, or be prepared to feel fucked then dumped no matter the circumstances.

25. I heard for the first time and will now find daily ways to use the term “conscious uncoupling.” Some examples: “Chipotle and I are consciously uncoupling for a month. #swimsuitseason.” “GAP thongs and I have decided to consciously uncouple. They finally realized they’re a poor excuse for a substitute Hanky Panky.” “I’ve been trying to consciously uncouple from my love of craft beer for years now, but it keeps pulling me back in.”

26. I think the big idea I’m taking away from this last year and into every year hereafter is the best really is yet to come… and I truly believe that.

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