10 Things Most People Are Probably Thankful For This Season

Oh, the holidays. This week, they start off with a BANG! to a turkey’s head so that you and your family can drunkenly and begrudgingly sit around an overdone tablescape that could put Sandra Lee’s to shame, stuff your faces to the point of not having to speak to one another, and then pass out in a collective pile on the family couch. It’s a pretty picture, isn’t it?

Often, the real “reason” for Thanksgiving is forgotten or half-assedly (<– made that up) remembered with a quick roundtable discussion of what everyone is thankful for, pre-feast. But, this year, I’ve decided to take on the task of brainstorming relatable ideas, objects, people, and general “things” I think most of my peers are thankful for without even realizing it.

I’m thankful for…

Really long phone charging chords.

If you have yet to invest in like a 6-foot or 10-foot long phone charger, you have yet to make your smartphone addiction so much easier to succumb to. Fuck the standard length Apple provides you – it’s a joke. You can either plug your phone in while sitting actively on your laptop, or plug it in awkwardly on your nightstand, having to twist and fold your body in very painful ways in order to check a text. Get one that runs the width of your bed and be amazed at how much more involved you can be with just a few feet. AUTHOR’S NOTE: be sure the charger is “certified” or just straight up Amazon brand. Otherwise, it’s not going to work and you’re going to be mad.

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I’m thankful for…

Standing Kitchen Aid Mix Masters.

For a while, probably too long a while, I was stubborn in my baking ways and refused to upgrade from a handheld beater in the kitchen. I felt that true, hard work was the kind that justified the consumption of the brownies or cookies or overly ambitious donuts you were baking. To throw it all in a big, automatic mixer that did the work for you was cheating and also way too domestic and grown-up. Then, I caved. And now? I can’t imagine my life without it. 

I’m thankful for…

the Waze app.

I was completely unaware that this driving/traffic app existed up until about three weeks ago. At first, I was all – psh, whatevs. Google Maps FOR LYFE. But after using my tride and true Google maps for the first few nights on my unchartered commute home from the new job, I cracked. “THERE’S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY!” And there was. And is. And it’s Waze. I don’t know how they do it – I couldn’t even begin to understand the technology behind it, but it has become my everything. Back roads, secret short cuts, a different route home each night to keep it interesting – it’s perfect. If you haven’t discovered it yet, you’re literally wasting your precious time.

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I’m thankful for…

Loofahs.

Because wash cloths are just. How? They don’t lather. They get all cold and wet on one side. They’re all flat and shit. It’s weird. Word to the wise, though: I’m not talking about just any loofah. Cheap, store-brand loofahs from Wal-mart or Walgreens are a joke. They fall apart within weeks. Go Bath and Body Works loofahs or go home and get out of my shower. In that order. 

I’m thankful for…

Netflix.

I know. Such an unoriginal and #basic thing to be thankful for, but it’s true. After getting rid of my $120 cable bill, switching to just Apple TV and all the streaming television my mid-size heart desires was one of the better decisions I’ve made in my adult life. “Breaking Bad,” “The Wire,” “Gilmore girls,” “House,” “Family Guy,” “Footloose,” “The Mindy Project,” I COULD KEEP GOING. Yes, I’ve most likely wasted an obscene amount of my time binge-watching out-of-date television shows and movies, but I’d rather have every episode of Gilmore girls memorized and at my fingertips than be subjected to a paying an obscene amount of money to watch the Kardashians, like, just talk about, like, how hard it is sometimes to like, lose baby weight and, like, get rejected by homeless Thai children for adoption. Like.

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I’m thankful for…

Amazon Prime.

Well, I’m thankful that my mom signed up for it, really. But, nonetheless, getting stuff you order in TWO DAYS? I mean, it’s every online shopping fiend’s dream come true. Nothing beats that. Except for in one day or same day, but for free. Show me where I can get that, then you may have something. But until then, Amazon Prime is where it’s at. You have my heart and my extra funds, AP.

I’m thankful for…

Delivery people.

I don’t know what brought you to this point – a point wherein you drive your car to me, carrying hot food I ordered to my house out of total and complete laziness in most cases unless I’m legitimately ill or just way too ugly to even attempt to make myself presentable for the public eye – but I love you for it. I think you’re all really nice, even when you’re kind of creepy. Thanks for enabling my poor financial decisions and general passive eating habits.

I’m thankful for…

Baby wipes.

… Enough said.

I’m thankful for…

Podcasts.

Again, up until about three weeks ago (when I began my new job), I wasn’t super keen on Podcasts. No reason really besides when do I have time to sit around and listen to anything (all the time)? However, to pass the collective hour+ I spend driving to and from work, I needed something more than music and elongated phone calls. Cue: Podcasts. Of all shapes and sizes, too. And yes – I know all about Serial and it’s next on my list, I promise. But for right now, I can’t get enough of This American Life (duh), WTF with Marc Maron (the Alec Sulkin interview is killing me), and the best of them all, With Special Guest Lauren Lapkus. Lauren is the mousey, reserved prison guard from Netflix’s “Orange Is The New Black.” She’s so… unassuming. Until you take a peek at her Instagram account and realize she’s not only a comedian, but a fucking hilarious one who is an integral part of the LA improv scene. Her podcast is genius. She’s the host, but makes her chosen guest act as the host and she acts as the guest, portraying a different character every episode. And the best part? It’s all improvised. 

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And, lastly, I’m thankful for…

Retailmenot.com

Because you can almost always find a promo code or coupon and for someone who does the majority of her unnecessary spending online, in dark, shameful corners of her house, not ever buying something full price is the only way to fuel the fire and also be able to pay rent. 

xox,

emma

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10 Daily Truths Most People Will Agree With

Everyone has opinions. That’s what makes us different (and you wrong). You’re more than entitled to march to the beat of your own drum, have your own views on certain topics, and not feel pressured to agree with anyone on anything ever (but don’t do that because you’ll end up very alone and very hard to be around for more than two minutes).

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All that being said, I live my daily life in true Seinfeldian fashion, observing every everything around me and having an almost impossible-to-keep-up-with stream of thoughts based off those observations. Sometimes I’m able to remember a handful of these thoughts, which then allows me to share them with willing readers like you! HOW LUCKY CAN ONE READER GET?!??!

Here are some hard-to-argue daily truths (and by “hard-to-argue,” I mean funny awesome people will agree and argumentative tightwads won’t probably):

Truth 1) The office bathroom is terrifying for a bevy of reasons.

A) Some people are scared clean – meaning, they are incapable of pooping in public spaces, so they somehow will their poop to disappear from 9-5. However, some people aren’t this way and get all up in an office bathroom like “::PFFFT:: ::GRUNT:: ::PFFFFFFFFTTTT::” and that’s awkward.

B) For others, not a day goes by wherein they don’t participate in an improvised bathroom stand-off. You go in to an empty bathroom, ready to do your deed and get gone, when someone just has to come in after you and then sits there in silence waiting for you to make a move first. UM, NO. I WAS HERE FIRST AND I’M NOT BUDGING. I WILL HOLD IT IN UNTIL YOU GIVE UP AND LEAVE.

C) I have an innate, paranoid, and probably totally irrational fear of accidentally eavesdropping on girls shit-talking me in the bathroom. Because if this were to happen, how would you exit your stall without making awkward and horrific eye contact with the girls talking about you/go on with your life in general?

Truth 2) People who drink Red Bull willingly and outside of a bar atmosphere are just. No.

Drinking Red Bull and vodka past the age of 22 is already pushing it, but drinking just plain ol’ Red Bull during the day because you actually enjoy the taste or feel the poison inside of it wakes you up or I don’t know what is NOT OKAY. Not to mention Monster or any of the other 42 “energy” drinks on the market. I don’t even know what else to say about this without going on a horrifically long rant. Bottom line: EW.

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Truth 3) When you live in a warmer climate state, the day you realize you’ve stopped sweating for the season is probably one of the best days of your entire year, every year.

Because Texas summers are so long and so brutal, I sometimes forget what it feels like to not sweat. Truly. I suffer all summer-long, trying to recall a time in my life when I wasn’t consistently covered in a thin layer of my own moisture. So the day you first take notice that “Hey! My armpits… they’re so dry. And my back… my back is, too!” is monumental. I’m not a religious person, but it makes me want to praise the good Lord and sing praises to the skies and the angels and the fairies and the wizards and witches.

Truth 4) All girls pretend to be over Forever 21 and claim they can’t wear it anymore, but we keep shopping there. 

I’ve made loud and defiant statements that XXI and I are done. Forever 21? More like Forever twentyDONE. But, guess what? I still shop there consistently. Online, yes. So it’s a bit different than shopping in-store. But regardless of how I do it, I do it. I order something from them at least once a month, if not more. Cute shit, too. And it looks nice. So I have to chalk my past rants up to having a bad week or PMSing real hard (same difference, right?). Yes, a lot of their clothing isn’t particularly made for or aimed toward the matured adult female, but if you look hard enough and believe in yourself, you can find at least one worthwhile something.

Truth 5) The car is the best place to pick your nose.

Don’t scoff. Don’t say “ew!” Don’t act better than me and everyone else ever. Because you know it’s true, you know you’ve done it, and you know you’ve been doing it while thinking, “Wow. I’m disgusting.”

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Truth 6) If you’re a light sleeper, you probably check your phone randomly at 3am when you can’t sleep.

It’s embarrassing, but it’s true. I mean, what the hell else are you gonna do at 3:21am? You just randomly awoke, it’s the middle of the very early morning, so why not fall deep down into a never-ending rabbit hole of meaningless tweets and a plethora of mindless “listicles” until your eyes grow heavy again? You know nothing monumental has happened between the time you feel asleep until now, but the one time it does, you can say you saw/read the news about it first. And, at the very least, you can find out the 17 Things Extroverts Struggle With Daily. 

Truth 7) “You can tell how smart someone is but what they laugh at.” – Tina Fey

Truer words? I don’t think so. This is probably my favorite quote of all time because it’s just so YES. However, I will add to it by saying this: I think when Tina is referring to “smart,” she means common sense-wise. Not book-wise. Because a lot of super scary intellectual brainiacs probably wouldn’t find “Parks and Rec” or Chris D’Elia impersonating drunk girls that funny, but that doesn’t mean they’re not smart. It just means they’re suffering from their sense of humor is all. This quote/observation by one of the greatest female writers of our time is pretty much everything – for me, anyway.

Truth 8) Until you live in a real house with real air circulation, your towels end up smelling like mildew.

Please tell me this isn’t just me and half the people I know. I’m a clean person. Like, really clean. But I live in a duplex from the 1940s or later with embarrassingly bad ventilation, so people think I’m lying about being clean when my towels smell a little musty but I can’t help it if I’ve got an older home and a wide set vagina. Sorry. That was just too easy and had to happen with the way that sentence was going. I’ve concluded that the reason my parent’s towels never smell is because they live in a newer home with up to date ventilation. I’ve used white vinegar, which works – but only temporarily. 

Truth 9) Mixed drinks with tequila bases are gross.

Truth 10) Humans who don’t have Internet at home exist and are not to be trusted or taken seriously, ever.

As I’ve made my way through the real world the last several years, I’ve come across a few individuals who straight up don’t have an Internet connection at home. They claimed it was an effort to avoid having to ever do work from home, but I call bullshit because that’s complete bullshit. You’re just weird as hell. You don’t surf the web on your couch or in bed? You legitimately use all your smartphone data and forgo the option of a personal WiFi hotspot? You don’t watch Netflix or Hulu Plus or even free stuff on Crackle? What do you do then? Churn butter? Milk your goats? Make your way around your house with kerosene lamps? BATHE YOURSELF IN AN ALUMINUM TUB WITH A BUCKET OF HOT WATER YOU GATHERED FROM THE RIVER? GTFO of here.

xox,

emma

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