What Girls Say When They Meet a New Girl Versus What They’re Actually Thinking

Girls can be, erm, not super friendly upon first meeting each other. There’s a lot of judgment, a lot of up-and-down looks, a lot of silent assumptions being made based off one handshake or a mere sideways glance. Most of us can’t help it – it’s built into our systems. We came out of the womb judging the nurse’s makeup – why else do you think we were crying like that? Without yet knowing how to say it, our cries were screaming “For the love of all that’s holy, BLEND IN YOUR CHIN LINE!” 

They say to never trust a girl who only has male friends, and this is true. It’s true because making friends as a female is trying enough as it is, so to not succeed at it at least twice raises some serious concern. Allow me to take you on a journey through a girl’s mind upon meeting a new girl for the first time.

What she says:

“Hi! So nice to meet you!”

What she’s thinking:

“Oh hello. You’re pretty, which makes me feel instantly vulnerable and prone to insecure thoughts and feelings. Your hand shake was sort of weak, which I try not to judge for because I’ve been told mine is surprisingly firm for a girl, but I’m judging. I must spot all your flaws immediately.”

What she says:

“So, how do you know the group?”

What she’s thinking:

“So, who here have you fucked?”

cher

What she says:

“Can I get you a drink? Vodka? Wine? Beer?”

What she’s thinking:

“Are you basic (vodka) or can you hang (beer)?”

What she says:

“I love your skirt a lot.”

What she’s thinking:

“I may or may not like it. Basically, I feel awkward and slightly obligated as a female to remark on the outfit I know you spent way too long of a time choosing for tonight. So, naturally, I did the most female thing ever and complimented your outfit because I guess I’m just that basic.”

What she says:

“Your shoes! Those are… intense.”

What she’s thinking:

“I can’t and not in a good way.”

loser

What she says:

“Want a tour of the house?”

What she’s thinking:

“Let me show you my collection of colorful books and perfectly made bed that normally looks like it belongs to an in-patient most days, but that I made especially well for tonight so everyone here believes I’m this put together all the time.”

What she says:

“I could never pull off that lip color.”

What she’s thinking:

“Fucking showoff.”

romy

What she says:

“So what do you do?”

What she’s thinking:

“I literally don’t care unless you’re a guy I’m dating, so whatever you answer, you’re safe from any sort of judgment. Unless you do what I do. Then it might get a little weird in here.” 

What she says:

“I love Dan so much. I honestly was nervous to move-in together, but it’s been going so well, we can’t believe we didn’t do it sooner!”

What she’s thinking:

“We had an explosive fight before everyone came over and will most likely rehash it once you all leave, but to you, MY RELATIONSHIP IS PICTURE-PERFECT.”

vodka

What she says:

“We have food! Cheese and crackers, chips and dips. Help yourself, seriously.”

What she’s thinking:

“Do you eat?”

What she says:

“Our dogs should totally have a play date some time!”

What she’s thinking:

“I need to see you in natural light to better assess your face and whether or not you bleach or wax your stache.”

What she says:

“So where do you like to go out?”

What she’s thinking:

“I will know exactly who you are and what you stand for by your answer.”

look

 What she says:

“Does anyone need to use the restroom?”

What she’s thinking:

“Who here is going to prove her loyalty to me and pointlessly accompany me to the bathroom?”

What she says:

“I want your hair.”

What she’s thinking:

“I wouldn’t kid about this. I really want your hair.”

pretty

What she says:

“Oh! You’ve tried that new fitness place? How was it?”

What she’s thinking:

“Skinny bitch. I love myself and I hate myself, but my diet starts tomorrow.”

What she says:

“I love pizza.”

What she’s thinking:

“If I can’t count on you to have fat nights with me, then this isn’t going anywhere.”

What she says:

“Wait. You don’t like her either??? You mean, we have a common enemy???”

What she’s thinking:

friends

xox,

emma

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18 Shameless Behaviors Every Oversharer Is Guilty Of Doing At Least Once A Day

*originally posted on thoughtcatalog.com*

Overshare

In a world where writing public blogs and posting all over social media about your life for the world to see is the norm, oversharing isn’t as uncommon as it once was. Way back when, in the olden days of snail mail and rotary phones, people were naturally more private because they didn’t know how else to be. But today’s technology and overall encouragement to publicize your life is every oversharer’s wet dream come true. How do you know where you rank on the oversharing scale, you ask? Well…

1. When you have big or small news to share, no matter if it’s as silly as finding the last pair of the earrings you’ve been coveting for a few weeks (which, sidenote, is always big news), you have a set list of friends in which you mass text. And not in a group either, because you want each friend to feel special and have her own reaction. You write the text out to the first friend and copy/paste that bitch to your other four go-tos.

2. You have to physically restrict yourself from posting too many status updates on Facebook, because those are something you still believe in and do. You’ve set limits for yourself, and have to make a conscious effort to stick to them.

3. So, instead, you litter all over your Twitter feed. Because who actually checks Twitter anymore? No one you know personally, so you’re safe there. All your oversharing thoughts are safe in that blue bird’s beak.

4. You see it as a red flag if someone legitimately only updates their Facebook status once a month. “Well, clearly, he’s emotionally unavailable.”

5. You are no stranger to texting about your, ahem, bathroom situations. In fact, you find it hilarious, interesting, and aren’t sure why anyone wouldn’t? We all do it, so it’s funnier when you talk about it.

6. In fact, you take offense if your friends don’t share their horrific bathroom events with you as they’re happening.

7. Or what they’re having for lunch.

8. Or what they’re doing right now.

9. Because, you see, over-communication comes with the territory. Being an oversharer, you completely unrealistically expect your closest friends (and complete strangers) to overshare, too. Reminding yourself that not everyone is like you in this respect is a daily struggle.

10. All that said, your friends have had to ask you multiple times to please rein it in with graphic details of your sexual encounters. Again, you forget that not everyone wants to hear about exactly what went where and how it felt and the noises you or him made. Oops.

11. You never miss a #MCM, #WCW, #TBT or #FBF. Also, you strongly believe in the #OOTD. Any chance you have to share your opinion or small life moments with the world, you’ll take.

12. Speaking of Instagram, you obviously post once a day, but usually twice. And if you’re at an event or you’re having an uncharacteristically eventful Saturday afternoon, up to five times. PEOPLE NEED TO SEE EVERYTHING YOU’RE DOING. IT’S IMPORTANT.

13. Unlike most normal humans who answer “Fine!” when a salesperson or cashier asks how they’re doing today, you answer honestly. You figure why not be sincere? How many times has this person heard “Fine!” or “I’m good, how are you?” today? And, sure, usually the salesperson or cashier has no idea what to do with the truthful answer you just gave them (e.g. “Eh, okay. I didn’t get much sleep because I was texting this new guy until midnight, which is totally past my bedtime since I’m a looooser. But it was worth it! I’m just so sleepy. I’m gonna go home after this and nap, I hope.”), but you feel better having not given them a lame, one-word answer.

14. At least once a day, a friend or colleague asks you to “Please stop” or just outright screams “TMI!”

15. You have no issue announcing you’re PMSing, even when people flinch about it. Which is weird to you because, like, it’s natural. It’s not something to flinch about. You’re just explaining why you are eating so much this week and are more moody than usual. It’s openness, and they should appreciate that.

16. Unless you’re under extremely dangerous conditions or in the absolute biggest rush of your entire life, you wouldn’t dare send a one-word text. Ever. The minimum is a full sentence and, as far as you’re concerned, there is no maximum. If your friend is busy and can’t talk on the phone or see you in person, then they know they better buckle up because they’re about to get a screen and a half-long text with your life updates.

17. You have a terrible habit of asking “What are you thinking?” to romantic prospects. Not once, not twice, but like multiple times in one sitting. And if they scoff at you, you’re like WTF because you are ready and willing to tell them what you’re thinking if they asked. What’s the big deal? JUST TELL ME. I WOULD TELL YOU.

18. If your friends haven’t heard about your day in detail, they know it’s one of three things: 1) You’re mad at them, 2) You’re waiting for them to ask because they know you can be a little insecure about your oversharing sometimes, 3) You’re dead.

xox,

emma

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