Over the past seven years, I’ve dated… a lot. I’ve met a plethora of gentlemen, assholes, fuck boys, man-children, nice guys, bad boys, and dude bros (to name a few) and each of them left with me some invaluable insight (good or bad, mostly bad) in regards to the world of dating.
I learned that love really isn’t enough sometimes, that it should be a bleeding red flag when he’s more keen to try butt stuff over providing oral, that a high sex drive doesn’t always mean a high level of physical affection, that if he invites you to spend the day with him and meet all his best friends but refuses to treat you to dinner in front of them and asks if YOU want to buy HIM dinner then he’s a royal prick, that yelling “NO!” at you like a dog during the throes of passion when maybe you got a little too excited and bite-y is completely not OK, that if he tells you your dog weirds him out because she has an expressionless face (HAVE YOU MET CECE???), he’s a dick. The list is offensively impressive and never-ending. But amongst all of these almost unfathomable acts and reasons to second-guess WTF you’re doing dating this person, one particular thing stands out more than others, and it’s the “I’m scared” excuse.
Thankfully, this copout has been used on me sparingly, but it’s shown its ugly, dumb, lame face enough times to compel me to call it out on a public forum right now.
You’re not scared. You’re immature.
You’re not scared. You’re dishonest.
You’re not scared. You just don’t like me that much.
You’re not scared. You lied about being ready to “find someone.”
You’re not scared. You’re full of shit.
You’re not scared. You’re a child.
You’re not scared. You’re a fuckboy who is in no place to settle on one vagina right now.
You’re not scared. You’re a prick.
You’re not scared. You’re non-committal.
You’re not scared. You’re just a douche.
If you’re under the age of, say, 30 (maybe 28/29) — OK. I get it. Maybe you are a little scared. You’re still young, figuring your shit out, “sowing your oats” as they say. I mean, committing to one person for the rest of your life is terrifying for everyone, but when you have a penis and animalistic tendencies, I can’t imagine how much more terrifying it might be. However, if you’re 30+, you’re still young but you’re not scared — you’re just not keen on the idea of commitment but very learned on the art of luring innocent, well-intentioned ladies into your man-lair to fawn over then fuck over. You know all the right things to say to convince them you are, in fact, “ready” and have “been ready” and “just haven’t found her yet.” You’re a master at liking someone enough to remain just interested enough so she’s in a constant state of are we or aren’t we until she pushes you for an answer. That’s when you hit this girl — whom you’ve led on with actions and behaviors of an almost-boyfriend for the past few weeks/months — with what you apparently consider to be the perfect out:
You just didn’t expect to meet her, nor for her to be as amazing as she is. You weren’t ready to like someone this much, and it scares you. Your recent shitty and shady behavior can only be explained off by being really, really scared. Wittle baby fuck boy is scarewud! Scarewud of feelings, responsibility, respect, accountability, communication, and connection. Scarewud that this vagina might get old fast, that what if there’s another, better vagina out there waiting for him? Scarewud of actually having to care about someone else who might question their behavior and actions when no one else has dared to do such a thing (or has but was promptly and quietly ghosted). Scarewud of scarwuing girls off at the front-end by being another really scary word: honest.
We know you’re not scared, so stop feeding us that line. Instead, just be straight with us. Tell us what you’re actually looking for, what you expect out of dating or by being on dating apps, where you’re really at right now in terms of “meeting someone,” or that you dig us but just aren’t feeling the kind of vibe you’re going for. Whatever it is, we can handle it. We’re big girls who have been through the ringer more than once — you surely won’t be the one who does us in for good. We’re stronger than that, trust us. There are enough “scared” assholes in the world, so do us women a solid by putting on your big boy britches and rising to whatever the occasion may be — even if it’s rising up to let us down. We know we’re hot and a good lay and it’d be a shame to part for those reasons, but if we’re not on the same page and it’s evident, why be a terrible person by playing along?
Stop being scared shitless about being bravely honest, and we’ll stop walking around wondering what we did and why this always happens. That would be really tight.
Thank you and goodnight.