I Can’t, Vol. 48

I wish I could churn out “I Can’ts” all the time, because I know you guys love them. However, sometimes the lag between them is necessary in order to give myself time to get really perturbed by various things before I realize, “OMG, all these annoyances would be perfect ‘I Can’ts’!” In short, I feel this latest batch were worth waiting for so enjoy.

I can’t…

when you have those days that are overrun by OCD and you end up purging as much excess as possible from your life and it’s pretty much the best feeling ever. That was yesterday for me. I spent MLK day ridding myself of shit I don’t need, which I feel is something he’d approve of. I started with my closet, wiping out so many cheap XXI dresses and shoes I haven’t let grace my feet since I can’t remember when and ended up filling five bags. I then made stops at two different second-hand stores, made enough money to cover lunch & a mustache wax and had an extra $50 leftover for my thirsty bank account. I then proceeded to empty out my car’s glove box and middle console, tearing up about 100 random receipts and bullshit. Next were my bar’s drawers, which were chockfull of toothpicks (???), dead batteries, greeting cards, and about 600 koozies. I changed the air filter via my attic (which I always hate doing), purged my desk drawer (also full of greeting cards and various notebooks I’ve never written in), and ended my day of OCD productivity by filing (literally filing) some things away. I feel alive, y’all. Alive and in order.

I can’t…

with how fucking accurate this is. It describes 3/4 of the men I’ve romantically encountered in my life. And Trump. Yes, the two share this description. SAD!

I can’t…

and I know some of you may hate me for this, but I CAN’T with Emma Stone right now. Maybe later, but not right now. Not with where she’s at or how she looks. I used to love this girl. Like, a lot. “Super Bad” Emma and “Crazy Stupid Love” Emma were the best Emmas. But, y’all — methinks she’s turning into my next Anne Hathaway and it’s really disconcerting. She’s becoming Hollywood’s sweetheart, theatre nerd who seems to be just a bit too affected. And I’m not trying to hate on my own gender, I’m really not. But have y’all seen “La La Land”? Did you see Emma? Probably not because she’s so thin, she completely evaporates if she turns to the side. I’m not saying that makes her a shitty person — it’s genuinely concerning and freaks me out. Truly, it distracted me for almost the entirety of “La La Land” (but not enough to notice that Ryan is perfect and the ultimate scene-stealer). I need someone to hook her up to a cheeseburger IV, feed her bottomless milkshakes, give her Kalteen bars, and call me in the morning (but not before 9. I can’t talk until I’ve had my coffee).

I can’t…

tell whether or not the amount of times I switch positions in my chair at work is normal. Has anyone taken note of how often they’re shifting around because I’m a little worried my count is abnormal. It feels like I’m moving from two feet on the ground to legs crossed to right leg tucked up under my left thigh to both legs criss-crossed to spread eagle 50x every hour. WHAT’S GOING ON? AM I OKAY?

I can’t…

say enough about this dish from Inspiralized. It’s a sweet potato noodle and brussel sprouts “bowl,” and it. is. DELICIOUS. It’s one of my weeknight go-tos because it’s incredibly fast and simple. Pseudo-chef’s notes: I add ground turkey along with the sweet potato noodles for protein, I have never used sesame seeds or pomegranates, and I realized while making it last night that I didn’t have maple syrup but the sauce was still SO GOOD. Maybe even better without? If you like super healthy dishes that tastes like Asian fusion in your mouth — this is the dish for you.

I can’t…

with this one grey hair that I just noticed sticking STRAIGHT UP, right in front of everything. Awesome.

I can’t…

productively work to anything but jazz and if you’re the same, my reco to you would be the Oscar Peterson station via Spotify radio. Lemme know if you dig it.

I can’t…

seem to stop rewatching The Office, and it’s beocming a problem. I think I’m on my third go-round now? I do this with shows. I find an older one I didn’t really watch when it was live and end up obsessing over it to the point of restarting it over and over and over. Don’t get me wrong — having Angela and Dwight and Jim and Pam and Michael and Andy and everyone in my life, in my living room at all times is a dream. I just don’t know what I’m going to do once I grow tired of it, and I need suggestions. HELP! Also this.

I can’t…

figure out if this little attachable aerator makes that much of a difference with my glass of wine, but it’s fun to pretend it does and it creates the illusion that I actually know what I’m doing re: wine. It’s cheap and works great and easy to use, so if you are into this sort of thing, here. P.S. That’s not my hand. 

I can’t…

and am not sure when I’ll able to stop singing Hamilton. Guys, it’s a problem. A big one. Because not only does it make me want to see it 100 more times, but it also makes me that annoying, white, theatre-loving girl who can’t stop talking about Hamilton. The good news is I don’t offer up that I got to see it unless it comes up naturally. I keep that humble brag to myself in conversation. The bad news is that, during the big game on Sunday when the entire bar was cheering, I took those moments as my chance to sing lyrics like “THOMAS JEFFERSON’S COMING HOMEEEEE” or “WHY DO YOU WRITE LIKE YOU’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME?” loudly because no one could hear me. To my fellow Hamilton-obsessed: when does it end? Does it ever end or is it… NON-STOP?

xox,

 

My 6 Takeaways From 2016

Typically, I try to write these Year in Review posts before the New Year, but collating my 2016 takeaways took more concentration than usual this go round. Blame it on being off work for a week and change or spending most of my downtime watching the last two seasons of The Office, but I just haven’t been able to find the focus necessary to mentally review my year piece-by-piece. Until now. 

In thinking about it, I realized my year wasn’t half bad. Sure, I met a BEVY of horrible gentleman who brought me closer to the edge of the ledge than I’ve ever been, I got gum graft surgery which wasn’t terrible but mostly just super inconvenient (and expensive), my precious savings took a big hit upon finding out I owed a lot of money to the IRS because of unreported freelance earnings all the way back in 2014, and the election set me back emotionally in a way I hadn’t predicted it would. But putting all that aside, it was what most would probably consider a fine year with some solid takeaways. 

Takeaway 1: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again because most everyone deserves a second chance. Fool me three-four times, I’m an idiot but you’re a terrible human.

My romantic year started with being jerked around by, well, a jerk. I was blind to the fact that he was in no way wanting to commit to anything more than hooking up and split meals, but that may be because he drunkenly said “I love you” three dates in so I reasonably figured there was something more there that maybe he was just too scared to let out. But nah. Just an asshole douche. It took me a solid four months and four chances given to finally see it for what it was, which makes me want to kick early 2016 Emma in the cooter, but you live and you learn. Whether you choose to take those learnings and apply them as you move forward in life is what matters, but I’ll tell you this much — if someone fucks up a third chance, stop being dumb. Just stop it.

Takeaway 2: I love oysters.

It only took me 29 years to figure that one out. You see, my very worrisome and alarmist mother warned me against trying them since one bad oyster will supposedly either kill you or ruin your life forever. And since I’m such an obedient daughter (and intensely neurotic), I heeded her words and steered clear. However, this year I was presented with the mollusk on a few occasions and decided FUCK IT. TRUMP IS GONNA BE PRESIDENT SO WHY NOT. And, surprise surprise — I loved them. Thanks for nothing, Mom (JK, if you’re reading this. Thank you for [mostly] everything).

Takeaway 3: Sometimes, the uncomfortable choice is the better choice.

We are a people who love convenience. We take pleasure in playing it safe and sticking to what we know. Who can blame us? The unknown is debilitatingly terrifying. However, at the risk of sounding corny and cliche, sometimes the road less traveled is the smarter one to take. I learned this back in March when I started talking to Match.com about maybe coming on as their copywriter. I was happy where I was. In fact, I had just made the statement out loud and to myself that, as long as I was in Dallas, I would stay with the company I was with. Then I got a phone call that presented an opportunity I hadn’t seen coming nor was prepared to consider. It was a scary decision to make. I had grown so comfortable where I was, had just started feeling like an integral part of the company, and had met so many stellar humans I had no desire to leave. However, I knew not taking this position could possibly be the dumbest move to make. So I did. I left what I knew for something I had no idea about and it turned out to be a very good decision. Not to say it always works out like that, but when it does, it’s a validating feeling. All this coming from a person who isn’t super fond of change, too. So. Take that for what it’s worth.

Takeaway 4: Sticking to your non-negotiables is harder than it looks.

I’ve preached before about having a zero-tolerance list of non-negotiables when it comes to dating. In all reality, making lists is easy and fun to do. It’s actually sticking to those lists that’s hard. Rationalizations and excuses are my bread and butter, so when my steadfast list of non-negotiables was put to the test this summer within a relationship I was very happy about, it SUCKED. It was one of those moments you just want to scream “REALLY?! REALLY.” Everything’s going great. Everything is checking out so far. You’re pacing along well. Then BAM! You get hit with an irrefutable strike against one of your non-negotiables and it’s devastating. This was the first year after many years of dating around that I decided to actually be a stickler, and y’all — it was hard. You have countless moments of self-combat: “Am I really going to end it over this one thing?” “Sure, it seems ridiculous but it’s not. You know it’s not. Your friends have told you it’s not.” “But what if it can change?” “It definitely can’t. And won’t. He’s made that much clear.” “Can I learn to live with it?” “Are you high?” “Nah, I don’t smoke.” “You probably should start.” I’ll say this though – breaking up with someone because you have the foresight and ability to know they’re not going to make you as happy as you want and deserve to be is somewhat empowering. Even when they handle it like an asshole. No worries, though — I got the oft sought-after but rarely received repentant texts MONTHS later, which took the sting down just a bit. Anyway, stick to your non-negotiables. That’s what I’m saying.

Takeaway 5: Don’t be such a narcissist.

Yeah, the girl who posts OOTDs, selfies, and other self-indulgent junk on the daily is telling you to not be so egocentric. But hear me out. This may be my most important takeaway from last year. I am a paranoid person. Mix that with also being incredibly sensitive, and you get someone who worries way too much about others and why they are or aren’t behaving toward you in a certain way. But guess THE FUCK what? 9 times out of 10, it’s not about you because most things aren’t. You may be the center of your own world, but people are complicated and just as much in their own little worlds as you are in yours. To be honest, they most likely don’t give a shit about you (or they do but not enough to be thinking about you constantly). You have no real affect on them. They most likely didn’t even think twice about whatever it is you’re worrying about. I know I’m writing this with conviction, but don’t be fooled — I’m still working on this every day of my life. That is, learning to understand that just because someone isn’t talking to you or is but isn’t as talkative as usual or that one coworker looked at you weird or your boss is acting a bit more resigned today, IT PROBABLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. And if you think it does, ASK. Don’t just sit there convincing yourself otherwise, you narcissistic idiot (I’m saying this to myself as much as I’m saying it to y’all). 

Takeaway 6: These are the two best GIFs ever.

You’re welcome. And Happy New Year. May you survive the first year of the Trump House, seek comfort in discomfort, eat some oysters, stand strong with your non-negotiables, stop being so self-involved, and don’t get fooled again.

xox,