How I Make Myself Presentable Each Day

Once I discovered then ordered this sassy, fun, appropriately crude makeup bag from girrlscout, I decided to do something I’ve never done before: a makeup post. I’ve never thought to do it before since no one’s really asked plus I’m not a makeup connoisseur by any means. I mean I love that it makes me prettier and hides my ever-present under-eye bags and occasional crater-sized blemishes, but I’m no expert. 

However, as someone with incredibly sensitive skin, I’ve worked hard to perfect my makeup routine and product usage and am proud of where I’ve landed. My method is simple yet effective and consists of only 6 main products, with a few optional ones sprinkled in. Check it out:

Step 1: Wonder Glow (skin care primer) by Charlotte Tilbury

Now let’s get one thing straight. Up until 6-8 months ago, primer was just an extra step I couldn’t be bothered with. I didn’t need no primer and the thought of suddenly integrating it into my minimalist makeup routine bugged me. However, once I decided to use Charlotte’s foundation (which I’ll cover in the next step), I realized the primer was sort of imperative for getting my face setup right. This stuff is lighter than air, has a small amount of SPF, and helps to even your tone before diving in full-force with your foundation. 

Step 2: Magic Foundation by Charlotte Tilbury

The “magic” claim isn’t overshooting — this shit is for real. You see, for years I used tinted moisturizer. It’s all my young, baby skin needed (or so I thought). Upon turning 29 doe, I decided it was time for a bit heavier coverage. Nothing crazy or cakey — just…more. It’s like I had been wearing a light jacket in 50º weather when what I really needed was a puffer coat, ya dig? In walks Charlotte with her magic tricks, and my life was forever changed. I consider this foundation the absolute perfect amount of coverage while still looking incredibly natural (“So you agree. You think you’re really pretty” is what I just heard in my head). It also comes in 12 shades, so there’s basically no way you won’t find your perfect match.

Step 3: Shiseido’s “Perfect” Foundation brush

I don’t know why Shiseido puts “perfect” in quotes here. Probably for legal reasons. But it literally is the perfect foundation brush. No quotes about it. Again, never in my life have I used or felt I required a foundation brush. Like wtf? But after seeing how smoothly and evenly my magic foundation went on when the makeup artist used a brush to apply it, I knew I had to commit. And lemme tell ya — world of difference. Truly. Just be sure to clean it every few days, you pig.

Step 4: Laura Mercier’s Translucent Loose Setting Powder

Take note: I use powder much more in the summer when my skin is sweaty as fuck, but still use a very light hand of it throughout other seasons. This stuff is just great. There’s not much to it and, because it’s “translucent,” works on just about any skin tone. I’ve used it for years and highly recommend. 

Step 5: NARS multiple/blush stick in ‘Portofino’

This. Shit. Right. Here. Y’all. I’ve been using this blush in this particular color for, oh IDK — a decade? Maybe a little less? I am a firm believer in that, once you go cream/stick blush, you never go back. I apply it with my fingers (index and middle) and call it a day. The Portofino shade is perfect for me, but I know ‘Orgasm’ is super popular, too (I guess the hue is supposed to give you that post-O glow, although mine would be more red with sweat, awe, and gratitude). I swear by this stuff. 

Step 6: Gimme Brow by Benefit

If you don’t know by now that eyebrows are the new everything, you might be living under a dumb, NOT on fleek rock. We’ve reached a point in fashion wherein having amazing eyebrows is the most coveted beauty objective. In fact, a lot of weekdays I forgo mascara and any other sort of eye makeup, wearing only face stuff, lipstick, and this incredible tinted volumizing gel from Benefit. It’s fantastic and promises on-point eyebrows, which subsequently produces on-point days and entire beings.

Step 7: Pro Longwear Fluidline eyeliner by MAC

So I’m not big on eye makeup at all. I only wear eyeshadow for very special occasions, and do it up with eyeliner maybe only a handful of times a week. That said though, I discovered a long time ago that my eyelids are not built to wear (and keep on) pencil eyeliner. I guess they’re too oily or some shit. I found this eyeliner from MAC years ago and will most likely use it forever. It’s the perfect consistency, goes on smoothly with no problem, and actually stays put. I just apply it with an angled eyeliner brush and call it good. I have a brown and black, but it comes in 17 colors for you crazy/beautiful folk.

Step 8: Guerlian Maxilash Intense Volumizing Mascara

AKA LITERALLY THE MOST AMAZING MASCARA I HAVE EVER KNOWN. Y’all like. I CAN’T. I have tried so many mascaras in my 29 years of life, ranging from drugstore shit to designer shit and this stuff is next level. It’s so high quality, I only need one coat during the week and two coats for a night out because it shows up that much. It’s perfectly thick, volumizing, and noticeable without getting clunky or whoreish. And you know how I know it’s worth the price? It doesn’t flake at all, and it stays the fuck on. You’ve gotta really scrub this shit to get it off your eyes because it’s the real deal. Can’t say enough about this perfect mascara.

Step 9: Lipstick. All the lipstick.

I am not a hoarder but with one thing: lipstick. I have so many colors from so many brands in so many tubes that I’d have to do a separate blog post on just lipstick to cover it all. However, for this blog, I’m choosing to highlight the wonder of NARS Semi Matte lipstick in ‘Jungle Red.’ It’s become my go-to red over the past year, and I wear it more than other lipstick I own. I’m on my third tube of it, which in lipstick terms, is saying a lot. It’s just, sigh. Perfect.

That’s it. That’s my daily rundown. I hope you found this enlightening or, at the very least, entertaining. If you have any questions, feel free to leave a comment or shoot me an email! Much ‘preciated.

xox,

What Happens When You Holler Back (Or Why F*ckboys Will Always Be F*ckboys)

This past weekend provided me with yet another male-adventure to scoff at (“How much more can she take?!” They wondered out loud. Not a lot more, guys. Not a lot) and came in the form of a tried and true “holler.”

“What’s a holler?” you ask? Well. Allow me to allow Urban Dictionary to explain:

holla

1. A way for a brotha to say he wants to get in your pants
2. A pimp ass way of saying ‘what up’
3. May be used to end a conversation

In this particular story, I was getting holla’ed by way of #1’s definition. It came out of nowhere (that’s what she said) reasonably early Saturday night, around 9:30pm CST. The opening text was smirk-inducing enough that I took interest.

It almost instantly piqued my interest because a) he’s tried to holler within the last 6 months and I wasn’t feeling it, yet here he was, hollering again and b) I hadn’t seen him in a full calendar year and then some. Also, he caught me at a good (read: vulnerable) moment, which always helps a fuckboy’s cause. He must’ve smelled the vulnerability — them fuckboys got that next level hyperosmia when it comes to vulnerable bitches.

So, I bit. He told me where he was, what his next locale would be, if I wanted to meet there, and to text him when I was arriving. Easy enough. I was feeling good about this decision — a solid, no strings attached sesh with a been-there-done-that-but-would-def-do-it-again-tho.

He lets me know they’re arriving as I leave my current venue, park my car at home, and call an Uber. I let him know Nagib (yeah, idk either) is on his way and the bar is just a few minutes from my house. By the time I get in the Uber, he hasn’t replied. I text him that I’m approaching. No reply. I ask where he is inside as it’s a busy bar and I know it’s going to be crowded as all fuck. No reply. I get out of my Uber, walk up, get my ID checked, walk inside, and he still hasn’t texted back.

As a hollerree, I’m not about to go hunting for this guy in this packed beyond manageability scene. He’s the dehydrated one who hollered (AND I SAID YES), so why isn’t he at the ready with phone in hand? The bar is swarming with people, so I decide to stay put and wait to hear from him, standing at the front near the door in the corner, more or less.

2 minutes go by.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
7 minutes I’ve been there now, and a total of 20 minutes since I got in the Uber and texted him throughout my journey.
 
Why THE FUCK is this guy NOT checking his phone? I tried, too.

Nada. Nothing. Still no response. So I chucked deuces and left. Walked out, got yet another Uber (not Nagib though unfortunately), and went home. Like, yeah — I want it but not THAT bad. Not bad enough to be lured into a past fuckboy’s lair then fuckboyed before I even fuck the fuckboy. As Bey would say NAH NAH HELL NAH.

And the best part? He didn’t text me back for an additional 10 minutes after I left. So I would’ve been standing up there for 10 MORE GD MINUTES, MAKING THAT A TOTAL OF 20 GD MINUTES.

Hold up. This is 2017. Your phone’s on silent??? I mean SAME. It ALWAYS is. But it’s also always on my person, in my pocket, or in my hand. You hollered at my vagina, it’s here, and you’re not watching your phone like a hawk to receive me? Again, NAH. And sure, maybe he was super plastered and being an idiot. Those chances are high in these situations. But still. BUT👏🏻STILL👏🏻

He apologized a bit more then said we’d do something Sunday (the next day) and reiterated it twice. I was all “yeah sure I’m game!” but really I was like

🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄

And guess what? Never heard from him. Still haven’t. And this, ladies (and gents), is why YOU👏🏻DON’T👏🏻HOLLER👏🏻BACK👏🏻AT👏🏻FUCK👏🏻BOYS. Once a fuckboy, always a fuckboy. I knew this, and I’m better than this. But, like I said, your girl was jonesing and got hit up at the exact right moment. Lesson learned though. LES👏🏻SON👏🏻LEARNED👏🏻.

Chances are too that he’s reading this or has read it or will read it because back when I wrote about another incident involving him last year, he made sure to “like” it so I knew that he knew it was about him. So in that case, HI! And thank you for providing me with yet another entertaining fail to write about. I don’t doubt your intentions were kinda sorta in the right place, but I can’t be waiting on no D. You can respect that, right?

Tomorrow is Friday, so everyone have a great weekend and just say NAH to fuckyboys.

xox,