I Can’t, Vol. 49

This volume needs no introduction. Let’s dive right in.

I can’t…

like fucking CANNOT with this Lady Gaga body shaming bullshit. Y’all, it has me seething. Irate. Outraged. Horrified. That woman is a tiny waif whose weight is more than likely double-digits, and we have the audacity to say ANYTHING ABOUT IT? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I’d like to see half the trolls who’ve dared spit critic and judgment at her to get on stage in a bodysuit and a two-piece ensemble in front of MILLIONS OF PEOPLE and sing (LIVE for that matter) and dance 1/8 as flawlessly as she did. To call out the ONE, ITTY BITTY, MICROSCOPIC PIECE OF “NORMAL” ON  HER BODY AND SHAME HER FOR NOT HIDING IT IS JUST. I’m having a really hard time finding the right words to rant about this because I’m so worked up. I mean, SOMEONE PHOTOSHOPPED HER TO SHAME HER NORMALCY:

SHIELD YOUR EYES, CHILDREN. A CENTIMETER OF STOMACH “FLAB” IS SACRILEGIOUS. I DON’T WANT YOU GROWING UP THINKING THIS IS OKAY. This is why. This is why girls are “insane” when it comes to body image and confidence. This is why we’re so fucked up in the head that even the tiniest, thinnest of us call ourselves “fat,” “gross,” and “disgusting.” This is why, most days, the progress I’ve made over the last 19 months of working out is not what I deem successful or worthy of praise since I don’t have a six-pack and still rock three substantial stomach rolls at all times, so I obviously am not allowed to constitute my progress as impressive or fruitful. This is why women kill themselves for not losing the baby weight after a week, indulging in dessert, or skipping the gym because they’re just too tired. If people (and my guess is most of these “people” are gluttonous pieces of shit) are offended that Lady FUCKING Gaga didn’t starve herself just a little bit more before shoving her disgusting, not perfect body in our faces, what hope is there for the rest of us? Guess I’ll go blow some water out of my blowhole and load up on krill since I and the rest of us are considered whales. Unconscionable.

I can’t…

(still on a Super Bowl theme it would seem) with Tom Brady and Gisele’s diet. I mean, shit. Kudos to being a “retired” supermodel and a 39-year-old Super Bowl-winning QB who’s considered the GOAT, but a quinoa dish with wilted greens, toasted almonds, cashew sauce, and just a little bit of lemongrass IS NOT A CHEAT MEAL. SO.

I can’t…

stress enough how great these blue light blocking specs are that I’ve been annoyingly plugging on my Snapchat since last week (DO YOU FOLLOW ME? YOU SHOULD @ icantemma). They are a game changer, y’all. In fact, I’ve tried a few times now to work without them and the difference is almost unreal. You may have a great desk setup wherein your screens and overhead lighting doesn’t bug you, but the light directly over my desk is not adjustable and murders my peepers. These glasses have saved me. For now. And don’t feel like you have to get my exact style — Amazon offers tons of different shapes and colors for all types of faces and personalities. Find what’s right for you and get ready to feel a lot better about sitting in a cubicle staring at screens all day (JK, you’ll never feel better about that because it’s fundamentally depressing AF).

I can’t…

with my new passport photo. I’m not sure how it got into my head that you’re not allowed to smile in it? And I’m not sure why I wouldn’t confirm that before taking it and sending it off to be scanned into a document that’s going to last for the next 10 years? Yet, here we are. It screams “Hello. I not from here, but would like very much to be. I have never known happiness or joy. Nicest to be meeting you.”

I can’t…

find the balance between drinking enough water throughout the day and not having to pee every hour on the hour. IT’S THE WORST. I want to be healthy and have clear skin and clear pee, but AT WHAT COST? Sure, it’s good to get up from your desk and move a bit every hour, but it’s also so hard sometimes. Sometimes, I just want to keep sitting here. I don’t want my body to force me to stand up and walk the 20 feet to the bathrooms. Sometimes my efforts to be healthy and my body’s reaction to it is just too damn much. What’s a girl gotta do (besides fall victim to some horrific accident) to get a urine bag around here?

I can’t…

with my new gym backpack. I’ve had a whatever Nike one forever then saw one of my BBG ladies (@carasfitcode) sporting a brand I’d never heard of and knew I had to look into it. Low and behold: VOORAY. I don’t say this often, but I’m pretty sure they made this particular design just for me. I mean, heather grey is my favorite color and I love anything with floral print. So. Also, at $20, this adorable backpack was 100% worth it. Can’t wait to wear it in, put it away for the duration of my workout, then wear it out. 

I can’t…

sleep without my white noise machine (which I’m pretty sure I’ve written about before), but on epic sleep-struggle nights, I double up with this amazing rain playlist on Spotify. If you’re open to the idea of sleep soundtracks, try it out. It’s quite lovely. My personal favorites are “Drought No More” and “Wet & Thorough.” 😉

Next time, it’ll be my 50th “I Can’t.” I’ll be sure to make it epic.

xox,

Into It, Vol. 5

🚨🚨🚨 ¡NEW OBSESSIONS ALERT! 🚨🚨🚨

I just realized my “Into It” posts are basically me enabling your futile spending, but I’m not sorry because if I’m going to spend money on things I don’t need but just want, so will you. We’re in this together, guys. Don’t forget that.

So, what am I a one-woman advertisement for this week?

Into It: Senita workout clothes

I have no shame in that new workout clothes serve as a YUGE motivation for my gym habits. Like, yeah gaining muscle and sweating is tight and seeing results is tighter. But you know what’s the tightest? NEW PANTS. OR SHOES. OR FUN SPORTS BRAS NO ONE BUT ME WILL EVER SEE. One of the #BBGgirls I follow posted the other week about Senita, so I looked into it and almost immediately bought a pair of capris. Not only are they high-waisted but ALSO👏🏻HAVE👏🏻POCKETS👏🏻. Do you know how much pockets on workout pants change the game? SO MUCH. Oh, and they’re so affordable. So basically, the perfect fucking workout bottoms. I got them last week, wore them Monday, and want 13 more pairs. GET SUM.

👆🏼not me👆🏼

INTO IT: OAT MILK

Not goat, oat. Oat milk. Now I’m sure you’re wondering “WTF? How?” I’ll let Bon Appétit tell you how: “It’s what happens when you soak steel cut oats or whole groats in water, blend the mixture, and then strain it. The resulting milk-water tastes just like that warm, thin layer of cream that sits atop a bowl of porridge. It’s basically the cashmere sweater of winter drinks.”

That said, I got a vanilla latte with oat milk this past weekend in Chicago at Intelligentsia and it was the best latte I’ve ever had in my mouth or life. It had a hint of oatmeal flavoring, thusly making it taste like an oatmeal cookie latte. Moreover, upon further research, I found that oat milk is super good for you. It’s a bit more caloric than almond milk, clocking in at 130 calories/cup, BUT it’s packed with Potassium, Iron, Protein, Calcium and tons of other amazing nutrients. I found it at Whole Foods yesterday and will be subbing it into my smoothies ASAP. Again, GET SUM. Or TRY SUM.

INTO IT: This song

This popped up on one of my Discover Weekly Spotify playlists, and I couldn’t decide if it was terrible or dope. I landed on dope, but you tell me.

INTO IT: THIS TARGET PURSE

I wanted this bag from Everlane because everything Everlane does is perfect and beautiful (like me), but it was a bit out of my responsible price-range so I started looking for more affordable surrogates. Enter Target and this bag. Sadly, it looks like black is sold out/gone forever, but they still have some nice brown shades? This “Into It” is a bust because I didn’t know the black was no longer available, so now I feel like a failure. But here’s a pic of me this morning with the bag.

Which leads me to my next thing…

INTO IT: TRF jeans by ZARA

My bean pole fashion blogging friend who is super famous, Fashion Jackson, tipped me off to this wonderful line of denim (I’m wearing the jeans up there 👆🏼). It’s affordable as all hell, fits great, and is super cute. The entire TRF line is actually. It’s like a way cooler, tiny bit nicer XXI situation, if you will. And you should.

INTO IT: Bluetooth Earbuds

Bro. There’s nothing worse than earbuds that can’t handle you and are constantly popping out while you’re crushing it at the gym, AMIRITE? But seriously, it’s super annoying. I’ve dealt with mine for a while, but decided to finally switch them out for a pair that do what their told like any good woman should. I was referred to these ones by my fit AF, triathlete coworker, so I knew they’d be legit and they are. I highly recommend if you’re in the market for simple yet effective earbuddies.

INTO IT: Revlon Matte Balm

Two colors of this lipstick were handed to me for free, so I took them. And used them. And love them. Shine is fine, but matte is where it’s at™ But really, matte does get dry from time to time so lay on some chapstick before or after application. I have “Passionate” and “Standout” and both are really rich and pretty colors. Plus, it’s shaped like a crayon which is always fun and lends itself to even easier administration. P.S. If you care about this sort of stuff (i.e. makeup), did you catch Tuesday’s blog where I walked through my daily beauty regime? Do that.

That’s it for this week’s list of things I’m into right now. If you’ve had any experience with any of it, hit the comment section and share!

xox,