Y’all, hey! It’s been a hot minute. I was on a roll there for a while (a hot, buttery, flaky, crispy croissant if you will), but seeing as though I fell ill with a monster cold a few weeks ago, I lost steam. Being that sick brought to light something I’ve always known but easily forget because I rarely get commonly ill (i.e. it’s not often that I get sick with a cold or the flu. I’m more of a random eye infection/sudden body rash/literal gut-wrenching stomach bacteria type of gal): I’m a fucking baby when I’m sick. When my throat and nose stop functioning properly, and I’m chained to a couch or bed with only tissues and cold medicine to call my friends, I am a child.
That being said, it made me think “there are two types of people in the world…” Therefore, here we go:
There are two types of people in the world…
Those who are children when they’re sick and those who are mature, self-sufficient, rational people.
Those who blow their nose at their desk openly and loudly and those who are much better people than the latter and have self-awareness and self-respect (but like, honestly, if I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to blow my nose the last week or so, I basically would’ve lived in there and had to work from a stall, surrounded by pee and shit. So.).
Those who’ve discovered and realized the sheer beauty and majesty of The Great British Baking Show and those who need to get on it because you are missing some of the most relaxing and joyful television this side of the Thames.
Those who say “Ugh, my hair is SO frizzy” and those with legitimately frizzy/curly/wavy hair (👋🏼) who look at them like this:
Those who stand at their desks all day and those who have the option to but realize they actually fucking hate standing at their desk.
Those who recognize how great ASOS is (especially for affordable swimsuits) and those who need to get their heads out of their dirty butt holes.
Those who hit snooze no less than 12 times yesterday morning due to the time change and robot monsters.
Those who say “Hi” to others in the morning and those who will never say it back to you and just want you to leave them alone and stop acting so chipper until at least 11am (me).
Those who can go into Target and leave with exactly what they went in for in the first place and the other 99% of the population (I went in for an onion last night and left with $100 worth of pillows, but COTDAMN my living room looks cute):
Those who get Frappuccinos or something like it from Starbucks and consider themselves “coffee drinkers” and not idiots.
Those who give out more likes when they’re in a good mood and more stable people who don’t let their mood affect their ability to double-tap a photo (not me).
Those who still like Matt Bellassai (“Whine About It” dude from Buzzfeed) and those who saw him perform stand-up and lost all respect, interest, and capability to laugh with him (this was last summer, but I never wrote about it. It was the most obnoxious show I’ve ever seen, and I haven’t been able to follow him since).
Those who love tacos and fucking weirdos who think they’re just okay and not really a staple go-to and who have no place in the world. Go away.
Those who are faced with a table of leftover, free food at work and will eat some of it regardless of when and what they just ate and those who have unshakeable self-control when it comes to free cold pizza and sad but delicious looking free bread rolls.
Those who eat lunch every day at noon on the dot and those who save it for later because they know it makes the afternoon seem shorter.
Those who react to every dog they ever see like it’s an miracle angel child of love and happiness and soulless ingrates.
Those who hate CVS and everything it stands for and those who I guess love unorganized, ugly, confusing, aesthetically displeasing chaos.
WHICH PERSON ARE YOU?