I don’t always get inspired by memes, but when I do, it’s by ones like this:
It gave me and my friends a hearty chuckle and had us riffing on all the different nonsense our own dogs would google if they had the know-how (Cece’s in computer training courses, so she’s getting there. She just passed keyboarding!). As a dog owner, chances are you’re disgustingly obsessed with your pooch. If you’re not… are you sure you have a dog? Check again just to be sure. No, really. Stop for a second and go check. Did you check? Ok now check your pulse because if you do have a dog and aren’t borderline uncomfortably obsessed with him or her, you might be dead? I’m concerned.
Normal dog owners hate leaving their son or daughter home every day, and it doesn’t really ever get easier. Day in and day out, we say good-bye to our perfect, innocent angels from 9-5 and think about them constantly throughout the day. Often, I throw out the idea of carrying Cece around in a baby bjorn just to see how my boss reacts. Typically, we all share a hearty laugh but inside? I’m crying. Knowing how much I miss my dog during the day when I have 100 other distractions in my life fills me with crippling guilt because of how FEW distractions she has since, remember — YOU’RE THEIR ENTIRE WORLD.
I’ve explored what it would be like to be able to text Cece during the day, but this new idea of her sitting at home Googling shit all day long is just as entertaining. I figure her search history would look something like this:
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. WTF would your dog be googling about you if they could?
I’m gonna need everyone to stop doing these things, like, yesterday.
Stop rubber necking in traffic. Like, IT’S JUST A CAR ON THE MEDIAN. IT’S JUST AN ACCIDENT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. IT’S FINE. STOP STARING AND KEEP MOVING, PLEASE. MAMA NEEDS TO GET HOME.
Stop using the term “adulting.” Just stop it. Ironically, saying it makes you sound 12. Do you want to sound 12 when you’re actually 30? I DIDN’T THINK SO. SO JUST STOP.
Stop facetuning yourself so heavy-handedly. It’s uncomfortable for all of us. A light touch should do the trick and, if it doesn’t, maybe you need to work on your overall self-esteem so you don’t feel the need to smooth out your face to the point of looking like a child’s rear?
Stop getting in the drive-thru line at Walgreens if you don’t KNOW FOR SURE that your drugs are ready. If you are going to cause ANY sort of delay or disruption for the rest of us, park your GD car, GTFO of it, and WALK INSIDE. I sat in the drive-thru for a half hour yesterday, and I’m blaming it on unprepared, unorganized FOOLS. STOP BEING AN IDIOT.
Stop walking so slow ALL THE TIME. LIKE, MOVE! SOME OF US ARE ON A MISSION AND HAVE PLACES TO BE — NOT AWKWARDLY STUCK BEHIND YOUR SLOW-MOVING, ALOOF ASS IN A GROCERY STORE AISLE OR AIRPORT TERMINAL.
Stop merging like a FUCKING IDIOT. It’s not hard!!! Just BE AGGRESSIVE. I can almost hear people in their cars: “Oh um. Sorry! Sorry. Excuse me? Could I just… Ok no no. You’re right. It’s ok, I’ll wait. Can I go now? Sorry sorry go ahead.” Just fucking GET IN THERE. Be like COMIN’ IN HOT, EVERYONE MOVE! Passive, unassertive, pussy mergers are making commutes 20x harder than they have to be. STOP IT.
Stop saying “lol” in texts to show disdain, annoyance, incredulity, or hatred. You AIN’T laughing, so don’t try to pretend you are. Just don’t say anything. HOW’S ABOUT THAT?
Stop like PLEASE STOPposting something to your Snapchat BUT ALSO sending it directly to (what seems like) EVERYONE ON YOUR FRIEND LIST. This is amateur hour Snapchat behavior. Like, we’ll see it! People will see it. We’ll check your story eventually. Unless it’s something you need someone to see RIGHT FUCKING NOW, just STOP IT.
Stop treating your office bathroom like a pay-to-pee toilet in a third world country. Like why THE FUCK are there toilet paper WADS on the bottom of stalls and paper towels strewn about the sink area in an established company’s office? Like NAH. WE ARE ALL ADULTS. PICK UP AFTER YOURSELF, YOU ANIMALS. STOP BEING RUDE!
Stop wearing these tops right THE FUCK now:
Yes, I took a picture of a complete stranger wearing one to prove my point. I’m sorry her mouth is wide open, I didn’t plan that. But the point is THESE LACED UP TOPS AREN’T CUTE. LIKE WHY? JUST WEAR A V-NECK OR REGULAR SHIRT. GET OUT OF HERE WITH YOUR SUBTLY TRASHY LACE FRONT.
Stop asking me if I want to save 5% today by signing up for a Target card. LIKE, NO. I DON’T. I’VE BEEN COMING HERE SINCE I HAD MONEY TO SPEND, SO DON’T YOU THINK I WOULD’VE SIGNED UP FOR ONE BY NOW? CLEARLY, I DON’T WANT IT. STOP PUSHING TARGET CARDS, TARGET. JUST STOP!
Stop hiding the Velveeta at grocery stores. Like WHERE IS IT? WHERE? OH. I SEE IT. AT THE VERY END OF THE STORE ON A FUCKING RANDOM ASS END CAP AT THE VERY BOTTOM TOWARD THE FLOOR. COOL. WHY ARE YOU MAKING IT SO HARD FOR ME TO MAKE AN IMPULSE BUY THAT WILL HINDER MY BOWELS BUT MAKE ME SO HAPPY? JUST STOP IT.
Stop pretending shower sex is awesome. IT’S NOT. It’s actually the WORST. A) WATER IS NOT A LUBRICANT. B) I’m cold. C) Seriously, I’m cold. D) I can’t feel much because E) again, WATER IS NOT A LUBRICANT. We can shower together and like hug and kiss under the water, but let’s save penetration for post-shower in a warm bed. This is the PERFECT depiction:
Stop asking if I want a box for my uneaten food. If I did, I would tell you. I’d ask. But since I haven’t, I don’t. I know you kinda sorta have to or just have nothing else to do or ask my table, but I’m letting you know NAH. I DON’T. I DON’T REALLY LIKE LEFTOVERS, AND I WOULD BE ALL OVER ASKING FOR A DOGGY BAG IF I NEEDED IT. SO JUST STOP.
Stop following people you’ve dated. Like WHY ARE YOU STILL FOLLOWING ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA AND CHECKING MY SHIT? THAT’S FUCKING WEIRD. YOU’RE WEIRD. Chances are I probably don’t like you, so it’s very strange to me that you have no qualms with me seeing you seeing me. I SEE YOU SEEING ME. WHY? The first thing I do after breaking it off with someone is unfollow their ass. I don’t wanna see that!!! Why do you? WHY? What’s wrong with you?! STOP IT!