Because emotionally cutting can be extremely cathartic, I decided to compile a master list of the worst things the male species has said to me. I know you’re going to be overwhelmed. I know it won’t all seem possible. But, if I could get through this, you can too. It’s like the saying goes: If you can’t laugh at shit, you’re going to be crying a lot more than you already do. Or something like that. Also, please feel free to comment (anonymously or not) at the end with the worst things a romantic interest has ever said to you. IT’LL BE FUN, I PROMISE!
“Are you gonna cry now?” said in a condescending way by a long-term, trusted boyfriend.
“She’s funny because she isn’t TRYING to be funny” said by the same long-term, trusted boyfriend when my insecurities asked him why he seems to laugh so hard at one girl and never at me.
“I’m not really into making out” said by a short man with a huge weiner and terrible attitude.
“I have a huge dick”/”See, I wasn’t lying” said by the same short man with, yes, a huge weiner but like? Come on.
“I think saggy boobs and big aerolas are so hot” said by a deranged boyfriend of a month as I was sitting topless in front of him with the exact opposite kind of boobs he was describing.
“You did sprints? That’s so hot”/”You did fasted walking? That’s so hot” said by a mentally off-balance ex-fitness model whose depth of disturbed neuroses I had no idea of yet.
“Did I say I love you? I didn’t mean to say that” said by a guy (when he was drunk, of course) who lived in a dump, smoked cigarettes, wore the same thing every day (and still does), and who’d only ejaculated twice in his entire sexual career.
“I wrote about you in my journal. Can I send you some excerpts?” said by a very short man who I had not even been out with yet.
“Want to exchange pictures?” said by a complete stranger on Instagram out of nowhere at 2am.
“I’m scared. I didn’t expect to meet someone like you” said by the ultimate FuckBoy trying to explain away his less than stellar behavior.
“Have you met you?” said by an unavailable, thin-lipped asshole who would soon thereafter leave town for two weeks, reaching out to me only once but like, have I met me though?
“Interest was never the issue; distance was” said by an always-traveling FuckBoy who stood me up the last time I ever attempted giving in.
“We had sex because I could tell you really wanted it” said by a once-trusted friend turned short-lived “lover” (quotes because you can hardly call it that).
“Just ::does ‘calm down’ motion with hands::” said by the above.
“Nah, the military didn’t affect me at all. I just purposely didn’t get close to anyone so I wouldn’t be affected by their deaths. It was fine” said by an ex-soldier who probably needs to be in therapy for sure.
“You walk around naked so much – I think it kills my sex drive? Like, I don’t have to work to decloth you, so I’m not as horny” said by a satanic narcissist whose worst was yet to come.
“I’m just really not in the mood, babe” said by an oral sex-hating boyfriend while his face was in-between my legs. Ever had rejection like that?
“All pussies smells and taste gross” said by the above not 3 minutes later (we broke up the next day, fret not).
“I want you to meet my family sooner than later” (two days later) “I never said that!” said by sexually-confused, saggy boob lover.
“If you defy me, I won’t pay the bill” said by satanic narcissist when I was taking care of his dog who hurt herself and needed to go to the vet but who was insistent that I would not take her. I took her, got her help, and we broke up before he was back from his trip. Oh, and he really never reimbursed me.
“I’m a nomad. I live out of my car and sometimes at my parents house when I’m in town” said on a first date after he lured me in by describing his living situation as “different.”
“I just don’t think we have the same goals. I need someone to keep me in line, not enable me” said by ex-fitness model after I said out loud I know what it would take to have crazy abs and whatnot, but I would never do it because I love food and life too much.
“It’s really hard, ok?!?!” said by another oral-hating boyfriend about the act.
“I’m not necessarily looking for a girlfriend, just so you know” said two months in by a very Jewish guy who, not a week earlier, had invited me to his family’s passover and asked if I was open to the idea of being “more Jewish.”
“Before we move any further, I wanted to tell you – I have a kid. Out of wedlock. With a very young girl I knocked up on accident. We used to work at a restaurant together. Also, she moved here for a few months in the spring so we could try and make it work for the kid, but it didn’t work and she’s pregnant again. By me. From the time she tried living here. Do you still want to date me or?” said by a bartender to whom I gave my number on a slip of paper and was infatuated with for two weeks.
“I don’t do oral on the third date”/”Do you like butt sex? Want to?” said within the same night by a dirtbag with fucked priorities.
“Want to buy me a burger?” said by above dickhole in front of his entire group of friends the first time I was meeting them when he had yet to take us out for a meal. No, he wasn’t kidding. I said no and he stepped in front of me, ordered his meal, and left me to my own devices.
“And that wasn’t enough, was it? Nothing will ever be enough” said by saggy boob lover boyfriend after he TEXTED me once on my 30th birthday.
“I can’t be faulted for saying things I felt in the moment! People say things, Emma. Like you haven’t said stuff within the first month of dating someone,” said, again, by saggy boob lover (he had a lot of material) as we were breaking up and I was reminding him of every romantic proclamation he had made out loud to me as recently as a few days earlier when he said we were in love. Oh, which reminds me…
“What’s the difference between extreme like and being in love? There’s no difference to me” who do you think said that?
“My friends just asked me ‘which one?’ when I told them I was going to bring a girl with me” said by always-traveling FuckBoy on our second or third “date.”
“I can’t believe this is happening. I’ve thought you were cute for forever. OMG I can’t believe this” said by (allegedly) a long-time admirer who I never heard from again afterwards.
“Have you been to Kona Grill in the mall? Let’s go there” said by the worst date I’ve ever had.
“Sorry I was a douchebag this weekend” said by FuckBoy on a Sunday after I challenged his priorities only slightly on Friday night (not even to cause a ‘thing’) and he went radio silent the rest of the weekend.
“You’re really intense” said by a watch salesman whom I invited to a free night of fun comedy and went out of his way to not mention food beforehand, so I stood in line and bought myself dinner while he made sure to load up on alcohol (’cause that was way more important) then immediately went for one of my fries and I literally said “NOPE.” He also lied about graduating college and listed on a dating site that he made a lot more money than he really did (since he had felt the need to tell me his salary).
“Aww, do you want a carrot/ginger juice?” said by saggy boob lover upon learning I was incredibly sick, but didn’t hear from him the rest of the day or night and found out he had spent the evening watching a movie at an older divorcee coworker’s house whom he had slept with months prior.
I have to stop there. I’m sure there’s more — in fact, I’m positive there is — but I know you’re already trying to digest all this, so let’s put a pin it for now. And remember — leave your own verbal atrocities in the comments if you need some community therapy.
AND SIGN UP FOR MY NEWSLETTER! New one sends this Friday.