you see, i still watch Seinfeld. and i’m not talking like i catch re-runs when they run on TBS or any of that bullshit. i’m talking, i have the full DVD collection and rotate through seasons as i see fit. each week, i pop one disc into my laptop and lazily keep it in there for weeks on end, re-watching the same episodes over and over. sometimes i’m actually paying attention and giggling, other times i’m letting the “Notes About Nothing” run and learning major-fan insight to that particular episode; but, most times, i’m just using it as white noise to lull me to sleep.
yes, i use Seinfeld as my nightly lullaby. DEAL WITH IT.
i’m not ashamed. why should i be? if that’s the weirdest thing i do, i’ll take it (side note: watching Seinfeld every night before bed is definitely not the weirdest thing i do by a long shot). however, i do have moments where i realize i’m watching an episode from 1993 and laughing and enjoying and RELATING and that’s when i think “i can’t believe that, almost 20 years later, this stuff is still completely applicable to everyday life.”
and here’s why:
— dating still sucks. that sure as shit hasn’t changed. it’s barely evolved, really. granted, the characters on Seinfeld seemed to have more dates in a few weeks than i have in a given year, but that’s because it was television. it’s still highly embarrassing to go out in public on a date and know that people know you’re on a date. “i don’t need people staring at us!” is definitely the overall singleton sentiment when on first or second dates. you feel watched and end up doing couple-like things in order to fake onlookers into believing you’ve been dating this person for a while, which then leads to that person thinking you’re into them when, really, all you wanna do is go home and be with your dog. for these reasons, i enjoy the casual hangout when first getting to know someone. the sitting on my couch, wine-drinking, screening process is much more appealing this day ‘n’ age.
— there’s still (and will always be) that one restaurant spot in your neighborhood that always fails. i know exactly where mine is in the area i grew up. i’ve seen at least 7 different establishments erect there – from mexican restaurants to italian eateries – and they all end up going out of business within the first six months. however, i never went in. i never once went into those four walls to dine or met any owner. but, at least Jerry had good intentions before he became a very bad man.
— every birthday, going away, pregnancy or promotion is celebrated within your office wherein cake is more or less force-fed to you. or, more present-day, cupcakes. no opportunity is missed within your workplace to gather in the break room or some sorry loser’s desk and eat a sweet something around 4 o’clock — homemade or store bought. it doesn’t matter, because you’ll eat it. even the driest of grocery store cakes taste decent at this point. and you’re addicted to that sugar rush, no matter how much you try and deny it. “get well, get well soon! we wish you to get well!”
— as long as humans roam this earth, we will all secretly yearn to experience the sex trifecta: sex, food and television. somehow combining these three actions in one, glorious movement will forever plague us. what’s better than watching the Wire or Justified? eating food. but what’s better than indulging in queso and chocolate cake? having really good sex. the closest i’ve ever come to creating the infamous trifecta is spending the day on the couch with a boyfriend, eating deliciously bad food, watching movies, and sexing each other up every 2 hours or so. yeah, strawberries and chocolate are good i guess, but that’s not what you crave during sex. you crave MORE sex and chipotle. or like pizza. can you imagine being able to reach over during sex and shove pizza crust in your face mid-thrust? I’LL HAVE WHAT THEY’RE HAVING. there’s just GOT to be a better way! but if there isn’t, i’ll take what i can get.
— trying to decipher if someone actually wants you at a party or not is still a relevant and anxiety-provoking ordeal. if you didn’t receive a direct invite from the host, but your friends are telling you to come, how can you ever REALLY be sure you’re wanted? what if your friend is lying and they never really asked the host if it’s okay for you to tag along? what if the host called you, asking for your friend’s number to invite them, but didn’t actually say the words “YOU’RE invited, of course!” you could risk going and the host wondering why the hell you’re there and maybe even questioning you about it. it’s safer to just stay home.
why would JERRY bring anything?
— mother f*$king friends with benefits is still a thing and people are still trying to figure out if there’s a way to accomplish it. in the very first season, Jerry and Elaine both admit their avid horniness to one another while watching TV one night at Jerry’s apartment. it’s been a while for both of them on the sexual front. they discuss how they could take this and add that but still be able to do this and for it to not be weird. they, like most of us, are trying so hard to outsmart their emotions and focus solely on their needy libido. and they, like most of us, discover that you just can’t. you can’t have this AND that and not want more. someone is bound to get attached or grow feelings – it’s only natural. AND IT ONLY SUCKS ASS. lines are blurred when things are inserted places and, suddenly, you’re questioning whether or not you get them a birthday present or if it’ll mean too much if you ask them to accompany you to a wedding or if you owe it to them to let them know they’re not the only person you’re currently boning. if Jerry and Elaine couldn’t figure it out, no one can.
— show me one person who wouldn’t want a built-in napping area under his/her desk and i’ll give you my entire Seinfeld collection for free. that’s not an antiquated idea – it’s a GENIUS idea that all professional institutes should consider.
and last, but obviously not least
— Kramerica. for always.
i could go on for days, and i would. but i know not many people are as obsessive as me. that being said, i’m gonna head out on a high note. I’M OUT, BABY!