explosive title, i know. but i mean it. when you’ve been a bit too serious and dramatic lately, this is a great mantra to live by – sort of like “serenity now!” but a bit more crass.

you like someone and they don’t like you back? FUCK IT –> they probably suck anyway. badly. and you would’ve found out a few months down the road and rationalized the situation so hard, you gave yourself hemorrhoids. no one should ever give you hemorrhoids. i bet they were a terrible kisser anyhow and probably had like random body hairs or a gross birthmark. thank your lucky stars you dodged THAT bullet.

better yet… you get broken up with? FUCK IT –> why would you EVER wanna be with someone who could do that to you? you should never have to convince someone to be with you. gross. then you’d be walking around knowing you were basically holding that person at emotional gunpoint – YOU’RE A CRIMINAL! grab your balls or vagina and SACK UP. have some dignity and know life goes on. it’s too short to waste on someone who isn’t even fully “there” with you. also, do the whole 500 days of summer thing and next time you’re reminicising, think about all the bad versus the good. yeah… different emotions now, huh?

you hear someone said something rude about you? FUCK IT –> 9 times out 10 when people are talking that much shit, they’re just bored. and, if it upset you that much, maybe ask yourself why? is what they said true? perhaps it’s something you’ve been in denial about and need to work on? or that person is just a straight up bitch slut douchebag and then i give you permission to talk just as much crap about them as well. assholes.

you spilled liquid or food on your white t-shirt? FUCK IT –> it makes you more human. yeah, it’s great to have a perfectly put together outfit, but life happens and by life i mean shit falls out of your mouth like an animal when you’re trying to look dainty with drinking and eating. grab a tide pen (THEY REALLY WORK!) or just realize it’s okay and it’s not like that one stain suddenly warped you into a homeless person from arkansas who had incestual relations when you were younger. or does it? it’s like: “ugh, michelle looks so pretty tod– WAIT. SHE HAS A STAIN. WHO IS THIS HOMELESS WENCH IN OUR OFFICE?! GET OUT!” no. come on. you’re only human.

your face is breaking out at the ripe age of 20-something… still?!!? FUCK IT –> everybody hurts and everybody has pimples. you know what it means? your skin is still young! my mom still gets pimples and she takes it as sign of youth (after she curses up a storm and refuses to leave the house). and, i’m sorry, but NOBODY – and i mean NOBODY – doesn’t love a good pimple to pop. don’t look at me like that. and if you are looking at me like that, FUCK  YOU. you’re not a human if you don’t get pleasure out of the simple joy of popping shit on your body. it’s only natural. like farting.

you slept like shit and are so tired you can’t function? FUCK IT –> this is one of the only instances where life being so short and moving so fast plays to your advantage. before you know it, the day is gonna be over. you will be able to go straight home and get in bed at 6p if you so please. just hang in there. drink some coffee or soda. maybe pinch yourself a couple of times. yawn as much as you need to. you’ll be back in bed soon. sleep is the ultimate opportunity for do-overs.

you got a little too drunk at the work happy hour and said some seriously inappropriate things and every other word out of your loud mouth was “fuck!”? FUCK IT –> yeah. i did this. i did all of this. but look! i’m still employed. i’m still able to rent my apartment and be sitting here typing on my computer. it’s all good. these people have to know that work happy hours are one of the only major highlights of a 20-something’s week and we’re gonna most likely treat it like we would if we were with friends in a normal social setting complete with a 34oz mug of beer. i’m an idiot.

you have no plans for the weekend and every attempt you’ve made to be social has failed miserably? FUCK IT –> be with yourself. watch a movie you’ve been meaning to see. order a pizza. buy a pint of ice cream. put on your nastiest lounge wear and sprawl out on the couch. get new batteries for your vibrator. entertain thyself. my dad said something really awesome to me one time that i try to live by now when i have no plans: “enjoy being alone, because before you know it, you won’t be ever again. you’ll have a family and kids and wish you could have a few days to yourself. so soak this time up, because it’s short-lived.”

you messed up at work and can tell your boss is pissed? FUCK IT –> and by fuck it i mean admit to your faults and correct that shit right away and NEVER EVER let it happen again.

you’re gonna be late for work because you spent your morning writing a blog post? FUCK IT –> i can get ready in 10 minutes. so here i go.

remember guys… when in doubt, fuck that shit.

– emma

happiness is WHATEVS

as i sit here about to write, i have “happiness is a warm gun” stuck in my head. the across the universe version, too. not even the real deal version. i know – lame.

with this entry, i feel like i need to remind you all that this is my blog where i purely word vomit. a place for me to get my thoughts out and share with all of you, if you’re interested. this is a tricky line of conversation, but i wanted to get serious today (which is rare) and write about happiness.

to a degree, YES – happiness is a choice. it’s a way of life, something that you practice and make the conscious effort to “do” when you get up in the morning. we know ourselves better than anyone else ever in the entire world, and we know what we’re capable of emotionally. some of us are more in-sync with our inner-workings than others, which is unfortunate because for those who aren’t as in-tune with their bodies, emotions, thoughts, feelings, etc…. well. let’s just say they don’t have it easy when it comes to anything. except for maybe sitting on a couch and staring or watching reality TV without feeling anything but numbness.

happiness, to me (key words: TO ME), is fleeting. it’s not something tangible and it’s not something anyone i know goes around FEELING 24/7, rain or shine, pretty or unpretty, skinny or fat, hungry or not. happiness is moments. short-lived, very intense moments. allow me to give you some examples:

– the beginning of a new relationship with the butterflies and the nervousness and that first moment when you’re laying in bed next to the person and realize how truly happy you are feeling

– eating a flawlessly delicious meal while drinking a glass of really delicious wine with really awesome people

– mid-orgasm, anytime

– for the OCD impaired (i am one): when your apartment is so clean, everything in its right place and your favorite candle is lit

– getting a sincere compliment from someone unexpected and you’re floating on air the rest of the day

– finding the last of something you were on the hunt to buy

– your boss giving you serious praise for something you did, so you feel validated and like you’re actually at this job for a reason

– being in the crowd of one your favorite bands, soaking in their music and having nothing else on your mind but that

see what i’m doing here? what i’m trying to say is… i’m not sure i believe in happiness as a general way of life. i believe in contentment and balance. being content as opposed to happy. happy is big – it’s a massive goal and you could stress yourself out trying to reach it.

i aim for feeling “right.” right to me equals balanced. happiness are those fleeting moments that create such a burst of HAPPY in you, you feel like you could do anything. but it fades, just like anything else does. no one walks around feeling THAT great all the time. that’s why when those moments do happen, they’re so special and you can recount them when you’re having a low day and remember that you know what it feels like to be that elated and it’ll happen again soon… probably within the next couple of days. it’s like dating someone who isn’t overly affectionate, so the times he/she touches you in that loving way when you’re out in public or gives you that heart-melting compliment are like the best moments in the entire world because they don’t do it all the time, every second of the day.



personal example of fleeting happiness: this past sunday, i woke up and decided it was going to be a really productive morning. i backed up my computer on my external drive, went to the grocery store, did all my laundry and showered all before noon and had the rest of the day to do whatever i wanted. and i was HAPPY. i was so pumped up that day that it felt like nothing could bring me down. then, on monday (probably because it was monday), i had a down day. who knows why, but i felt off. and sad. and just sort of blah. but that’s what i’m saying – there’s too much shit in the world (i.e. stress, work, dramatic situations) to skip around everyday singing “i feel witty! oh so witty! i feel witty and pretty and gayyyy!”



life is hard. it’s messy. it’s confusing. it’s stress and upset and things not going your way all the time. and it’s people – dealing with people who don’t get it or you or anything and you want to punch them in the face. BUT! it’s also interesting. and exciting. and nerve-racking in a good way. it’s your choice whether you’re going to let the crappy parts of it tear you down or if you’re going to strive to create those fleeting moments and really soak them in when they happen, while remaining balanced the rest of the time.

that’s my tirade for today. i try not to be preachy, but sometimes i want to be serious and i  DID grow up in a super religious episcopalian household, so it’s sort of innate (i’m Jewish. 100%)

– emma