explosive title, i know. but i mean it. when you’ve been a bit too serious and dramatic lately, this is a great mantra to live by – sort of like “serenity now!” but a bit more crass.
you like someone and they don’t like you back? FUCK IT –> they probably suck anyway. badly. and you would’ve found out a few months down the road and rationalized the situation so hard, you gave yourself hemorrhoids. no one should ever give you hemorrhoids. i bet they were a terrible kisser anyhow and probably had like random body hairs or a gross birthmark. thank your lucky stars you dodged THAT bullet.
better yet… you get broken up with? FUCK IT –> why would you EVER wanna be with someone who could do that to you? you should never have to convince someone to be with you. gross. then you’d be walking around knowing you were basically holding that person at emotional gunpoint – YOU’RE A CRIMINAL! grab your balls or vagina and SACK UP. have some dignity and know life goes on. it’s too short to waste on someone who isn’t even fully “there” with you. also, do the whole 500 days of summer thing and next time you’re reminicising, think about all the bad versus the good. yeah… different emotions now, huh?
you hear someone said something rude about you? FUCK IT –> 9 times out 10 when people are talking that much shit, they’re just bored. and, if it upset you that much, maybe ask yourself why? is what they said true? perhaps it’s something you’ve been in denial about and need to work on? or that person is just a straight up bitch slut douchebag and then i give you permission to talk just as much crap about them as well. assholes.
you spilled liquid or food on your white t-shirt? FUCK IT –> it makes you more human. yeah, it’s great to have a perfectly put together outfit, but life happens and by life i mean shit falls out of your mouth like an animal when you’re trying to look dainty with drinking and eating. grab a tide pen (THEY REALLY WORK!) or just realize it’s okay and it’s not like that one stain suddenly warped you into a homeless person from arkansas who had incestual relations when you were younger. or does it? it’s like: “ugh, michelle looks so pretty tod– WAIT. SHE HAS A STAIN. WHO IS THIS HOMELESS WENCH IN OUR OFFICE?! GET OUT!” no. come on. you’re only human.
your face is breaking out at the ripe age of 20-something… still?!!? FUCK IT –> everybody hurts and everybody has pimples. you know what it means? your skin is still young! my mom still gets pimples and she takes it as sign of youth (after she curses up a storm and refuses to leave the house). and, i’m sorry, but NOBODY – and i mean NOBODY – doesn’t love a good pimple to pop. don’t look at me like that. and if you are looking at me like that, FUCK YOU. you’re not a human if you don’t get pleasure out of the simple joy of popping shit on your body. it’s only natural. like farting.
you slept like shit and are so tired you can’t function? FUCK IT –> this is one of the only instances where life being so short and moving so fast plays to your advantage. before you know it, the day is gonna be over. you will be able to go straight home and get in bed at 6p if you so please. just hang in there. drink some coffee or soda. maybe pinch yourself a couple of times. yawn as much as you need to. you’ll be back in bed soon. sleep is the ultimate opportunity for do-overs.
you got a little too drunk at the work happy hour and said some seriously inappropriate things and every other word out of your loud mouth was “fuck!”? FUCK IT –> yeah. i did this. i did all of this. but look! i’m still employed. i’m still able to rent my apartment and be sitting here typing on my computer. it’s all good. these people have to know that work happy hours are one of the only major highlights of a 20-something’s week and we’re gonna most likely treat it like we would if we were with friends in a normal social setting complete with a 34oz mug of beer. i’m an idiot.
you have no plans for the weekend and every attempt you’ve made to be social has failed miserably? FUCK IT –> be with yourself. watch a movie you’ve been meaning to see. order a pizza. buy a pint of ice cream. put on your nastiest lounge wear and sprawl out on the couch. get new batteries for your vibrator. entertain thyself. my dad said something really awesome to me one time that i try to live by now when i have no plans: “enjoy being alone, because before you know it, you won’t be ever again. you’ll have a family and kids and wish you could have a few days to yourself. so soak this time up, because it’s short-lived.”
you messed up at work and can tell your boss is pissed? FUCK IT –> and by fuck it i mean admit to your faults and correct that shit right away and NEVER EVER let it happen again.
you’re gonna be late for work because you spent your morning writing a blog post? FUCK IT –> i can get ready in 10 minutes. so here i go.
remember guys… when in doubt, fuck that shit.